John Allan Whitacre Archives

EMDR, Managing emotions, Somatic Exercises

How EMDR Helps: Healing Trauma Through the Body

If you’ve been exploring different types of therapy—especially for healing trauma—you may have come across EMDR, or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It’s often described as a technique that helps you “reprocess” difficult memories, especially from past trauma. EMDR isn’t just about changing your memories; it’s a somatic therapy that helps your body release stored tensions.

That’s what makes EMDR a type of somatic therapy—a therapy that works with the body, not just the mind. As a trained EMDR therapist, I have been able to see firsthand how EMDR helps people understand their trauma in a new way and then, through EMDR techniques, learn how to train their bodies to let go of the trauma locked in their mind and body.

What Is Somatic Therapy?

“Somatic” simply means “relating to the body.” Somatic therapy is based on the idea that we carry stress, anxiety, and trauma not just in our thoughts, but also in our bodies.

You might notice this as:

Muscle tension
A tight chest or upset stomach
Fluttering in your chest or trembling
Feeling constantly on edge
Chronic fatigue
Difficulty relaxing, even when things are “fine”

Somatic therapy focuses on bringing attention to these sensations so they can be understood, processed, and released—allowing your nervous system to reset and heal.

How Is EMDR a Somatic Therapy?

EMDR is widely recognized for its use of eye movements, tapping, or sounds. However, the true effectiveness of EMDR lies in its ability to work with your entire system—both mind and body. The primary goal of EMDR is to help desensitize your overly activated nervous system and reintegrate your memory network, leading to more balanced and cohesive responses.

Break Free from Trauma with EMDR

Work with expert EMDR therapists in Los Angeles and start your healing journey today—safe, effective, and personalized care.

Here’s how EMDR helps your body heal:

1. It Helps You Tune In to Your Body

In an EMDR session, your therapist might ask questions like: “Where do you feel that in your body?” or “What sensations are you noticing right now?” These check-ins aren’t just small talk—they’re invitations to notice how your body is reacting, which is often where trauma still lives.

2. It Uses Gentle, Rhythmic Stimulation

The back-and-forth movement in EMDR (called bilateral stimulation) doesn’t just help with memory processing—it can also calm your nervous system, similar to how rhythmic movement soothes a crying baby. Many people describe feeling more grounded, relaxed, or “unstuck” during or after EMDR.

3. It Works With How Trauma Is Stored

Trauma doesn’t just get “remembered”—it gets stored in your body. That’s why sometimes, even when you logically know you’re safe, your body might still feel panicked, frozen, or on edge. EMDR helps unlock and move through those stuck responses, so your body can finally exhale.

4. It Can Release Built-Up Physical Tension

As you process during EMDR, it’s common to experience physical shifts: a deep breath, a sudden yawn, a shiver, or tears. These are signs that your body is releasing stored energy and stress—a very good thing. It’s part of how healing happens.

Healing Isn’t Just in Your Head

If you’ve tried talk therapy before and felt like something was still missing—EMDR might be the missing piece. Because it doesn’t just help you understand your pain, it helps your body let go of it.

You don’t have to force anything. It’s gentle, structured, and honors your pace. Most importantly, it helps you heal not just in your thoughts, but in your nervous system, your body, and your sense of safety in the world.

JOHN ALLAN WHITACRE, AMFT

EMDR Therapy in Pasadena

Learn about therapy with John Allan

Managing emotions, Podcast

[VIDEO] How to Escape the Pursue-Withdraw Trap in Your Relationship

Written by herecounseling

You’re in a relationship where every argument feels like you’re on a treadmill to nowhere. One of you chases for connection, while the other retreats into silence. This is the pursue-withdraw pattern, and it’s not just frustrating; it’s emotionally exhausting.

What is the Pursue-Withdraw Pattern?

The pursue-withdraw pattern is a common dynamic in relationships where one partner (the pursuer) seeks more interaction, validation, or resolution during conflicts, while the other (the withdrawer) feels overwhelmed and tends to retreat or disengage.

John Allan Whitacre, AMFT, describes this vividly: “One person is going to stop at a rock and basically sit there and say, ‘Let’s just stop entirely. Let’s act like it didn’t happen.'” Here, the withdrawer might feel they’re not good enough or fear being criticized, leading to a retreat from interaction.

On the other hand, the pursuer, feeling neglected or anxious, might push for engagement, as Whitacre explains, “Another person may have been waiting all day at work to basically attend to their internal to-do list,” indicating a desire for resolution or closeness.

Pursue-Withdraw Pattern Causes Couples to Fight

The Emotional Toll: When one partner withdraws, seeking solitude or disengagement from the conflict, the other often feels abandoned or unloved, leading to a cycle of blame and retreat that can deepen the rift between you. This pattern becomes a repetitive dance where neither feels truly heard or understood.

Heightened Anxiety: This pattern isn’t just about disagreement; it’s about survival mode in your relationship. “We need to be able to fall back when life gets hard,” says Dr. Connor McClenahan, highlighting how this dynamic can turn a partner into a source of stress rather than support, escalating anxiety for both. The pursuer might feel desperate for reassurance, while the withdrawer feels overwhelmed by the demand for closeness, creating a vicious cycle of increasing tension.

Connection and Identity is at Stake

Loss of Connection: Every cycle of pursue and withdraw chips away at the trust and intimacy you’ve built. “They’re both longing for safety,” Whitacre notes, but instead of finding it in each other, partners can feel increasingly isolated, even when they’re together. This lack of connection can lead to a profound sense of loneliness within the relationship.

Identity and Self-Worth: “I’m not good enough, so I need to retreat,” Whitacre describes the internal narrative of the withdrawer. Meanwhile, the pursuer might feel, “I need you. Where are you?” This dynamic can leave both questioning their value in the relationship and to each other. Over time, this can erode self-esteem and the belief in the relationship’s potential for happiness and fulfillment.

Awareness Breaks the Pursue-Withdraw Pattern

Awareness is Key: “Especially on the front end. A lot of my work with couples is just helping them notice when they are coping,” Whitacre shares. Recognizing these roles you play can be the first step to breaking free from them. It’s about seeing the pattern for what it is—a defense mechanism rather than a personal attack or disinterest.

Communication Over Reaction: Instead of reacting out of hurt or fear, Whitacre pushes for understanding underlying needs. “What are you really trying to say to them?” he asks, encouraging couples to speak to their true feelings rather than their immediate frustrations. This shift can transform heated arguments into moments of vulnerability and connection.

The Healing Power of Therapy: “There actually is an opportunity to choose to either react to your feelings or respond to them,” Whitacre suggests. Couples therapy can provide a safe space to explore these dynamics, learn new communication skills, and rebuild the connection. It’s about slowing down the interaction, allowing each partner to express what’s beneath the surface—fears, desires, and hopes.

A New Beginning as a Couple

The pursue-withdraw pattern doesn’t have to define your relationship. By confronting this cycle head-on, you can transform your partnership from one of survival and stress to one of mutual support and understanding. This podcast episode isn’t just about identifying a problem; it’s about offering a lifeline to couples caught in this loop, giving them the tools to reconnect, re-engage, and rediscover each other in healthier, more loving ways.

Imagine replacing those moments of withdrawal with gentle requests for space or understanding, and those moments of pursuit with compassionate invitations for closeness. By learning to communicate your needs without the baggage of past patterns, you can begin to build a relationship based on mutual respect, empathy, and love. If you’re ready to step off that treadmill, it’s time to start rewriting your relationship story, one conversation at a time.

Schedule a Consultation with John Allan

Healthy Relationships

Does Couples Therapy Really Work? How to Make the Best Decision Together

Written by John Allan Whitacre

Every couple, no matter how strong their bond, will encounter stress at some point. It can be hard to know when to seek support, and even harder to take that first step. If you and your partner are struggling—whether it’s with constant disagreements, emotional distance, or a rupture that feels impossible to repair—you’re not alone in wondering,

“Do we need to go to couples therapy?”

and

“Does couples therapy actually work?”

In this article we’re going to answer these two essential questions about couples therapy. After reading, my hope is that you’re equipped to have a productive conversation with your partner about whether couples therapy is right for you. So first…

What Is Couples Therapy?

Couples therapy is a guided process where partners work with a trained therapist to navigate relationship challenges. It provides a safe, nonjudgmental space where both people can express their feelings, gain clarity, and develop new ways of relating to one another. No two couples experience therapy the same way because no two relationships are the same. Here are some simple examples of how couples therapy can be different.

For some, couples therapy involves skill building and targeted issues

Some couples come in with what feels like a “check engine light” flashing in their relationship—they can sense that something is off, but they’re not sure what it is or how to fix it. Maybe small arguments are becoming more frequent, communication feels strained, or the connection that once felt effortless now feels harder to maintain. Therapy in this case can help identify the underlying issues and give couples the tools they need to reconnect before things escalate.

As a couple’s therapist, I’ve noticed that couples who seek therapy during periods of moderate stress often experience significant relief from the process. These sessions create a valuable opportunity to discuss essential topics like relationship priorities and communication boundaries. Engaging in therapy when stress is present but the relationship has a solid foundation can help prevent more severe or costly issues from developing in the future.

For others, couples therapy is an essential next step

Other couples enter therapy feeling like they’ve just been in a major car crash—something painful has happened that has shaken the very foundation of their relationship. This could be a betrayal, years of unspoken resentment, or a crisis that makes them question whether their relationship is even repairable. In these moments, therapy provides a structured space to process the hurt, understand each other’s pain, and determine the best path forward—whether that means healing together or finding a way to part with clarity and respect.

In my experience as a couples therapist, it often feels like years of accumulated baggage need to be addressed before real progress can be made. This can be discouraging for couples and may lead to a lack of motivation to engage in the therapeutic process or return to therapy. However, I have observed that the relief these couples experience when they begin to see progress in their relationship is significant. Although it can be challenging for couples to unlearn established patterns of behavior, creating new ways of relating in therapy can lead to a substantial increase in relationship satisfaction and a decrease in stress when facing daily challenges together.

Does Couples Therapy Really Work?

The idea of therapy can feel daunting, especially if you’re already feeling overwhelmed in your relationship. Maybe you’re wondering, Will this help us? Therapy isn’t a quick fix. However, it can be incredibly effective if both partners are willing to engage in the process. My role as a therapist is not to fix or save the relationship. Rather, it is to facilitate new opportunities for connection through insight and empathy.

The effectiveness of couples therapy depends on several factors, including the willingness of both partners to engage in the process, the skill of the therapist, and the approach used. Research shows that evidence-based approaches for couples help improve communication, rebuild trust, and deepen emotional connection. A skilled therapist will not take sides or assign blame. Instead, they will help you and your partner understand each other’s perspectives, break negative cycles, and create healthier patterns of interaction.

I use Restoration Therapy, a method created by Terry and Sharon Hargrave, to help people understand their relationship patterns. This approach focuses on identifying issues from childhood that affect current behaviors in relationships. By bringing awareness to these attachment wounds and teaching new self-regulation skills, we can foster positive changes in how you connect with your partner.

That being said, therapy doesn’t guarantee that every couple will stay together. Sometimes, the healthiest outcome is gaining clarity about what you both need, even if that means making the difficult decision to part ways. But whether therapy leads to reconciliation or a conscious uncoupling, the process can bring healing, understanding, and a stronger sense of self.

When does couples therapy NOT work?

Couples therapy is most effective when both partners are committed to healing and are willing to take responsibility for their actions in the relationship. It can be challenging for couples who struggle with ownership. While therapy can help partners learn to take ownership, progress may feel slow for both the clients and the therapist. This happens if one or both partners have difficulty acknowledging how their behaviors impact the other.

Finding success in therapy can be challenging when one partner is not fully invested in the process. This lack of investment can stem from various reasons, such as being preoccupied with work, feeling skeptical about therapy, or lacking hope in the relationship. In some cases, attending a session just to explore the connection with the therapist can be beneficial. However, there are times when a client’s motivation for therapy may inadvertently hinder progress which can confirm someone’s hesitation for therapy in general.

How do we know if it’s the right time to start couples therapy?

Starting your search for the right couple’s therapist is an important step, even if you feel hesitant about therapy. A quick 15-minute consultation with a skilled professional can help you determine if it’s the right time to begin.

Make sure to discuss your intentions with your partner openly. Emphasize the positive outcomes therapy can bring, such as better communication and a stronger connection, rather than just focusing on the problems that led you to consider therapy. This approach may encourage a more open and willing mindset for both of you.

Is Couples Therapy Right for You?

If you’re feeling disconnected from your partner, overwhelmed by conflict, or unsure of how to move forward together, therapy could be a helpful next step. There is no “right” or “wrong” reason to seek support. What matters is whether you and your partner are open to exploring your challenges with honesty and curiosity.

Relationships require care, just like anything else in life that we value. And just because you’re struggling now doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. With the right guidance, patience, and willingness to grow, healing is possible. No matter where you are in your journey, you don’t have to navigate it alone.

Schedule a consult call with me today.

Learn about Couples Therapy with John Allan

couple fights can stop with restoration therapy

Healthy Relationships

Is Couples Therapy Covered by Insurance? How to Leverage your Insurance for a Healthy Relationship

Written by herecounseling

In the journey of a relationship, couples therapy can be a lighthouse, guiding partners back to calm waters. However, one of the most common concerns is whether this potentially life-changing investment is financially viable, specifically, whether insurance will cover some or all of the costs. Let’s explore the nuances of insurance coverage for couples therapy, how to make the most of your insurance plan, and why investing in couples therapy might just be worth every penny.

Understanding Insurance Coverage for Couples Therapy

Traditional Health Insurance: Couples therapy is often not covered by standard health insurance plans because “relationship issues” are not classified as a medical condition. Insurance typically covers treatments for diagnosed mental health disorders, not preventive or relational counseling unless there’s a specific diagnosis at play.
Employee Assistance Programs (EAPs): Some employers offer EAPs, which might include short-term counseling sessions, including couples therapy. This is often limited to a few sessions but can be a starting point for addressing relationship issues.
Medicare: Medicare Part B can cover family counseling, which includes couples therapy, but there are stipulations. The counseling must be provided by a behavioral health care provider, and one partner must have a qualifying mental health condition.
Affordable Care Act (ACA): While the ACA mandates mental health coverage as an essential benefit, couples therapy isn’t usually included unless tied to a mental health diagnosis.

In-Network vs. Out-of-Network:

In-Network: If your therapist is in-network, you’ll generally pay less out-of-pocket. Coverage might include copayments or coinsurance after meeting your deductible.
Out-of-Network with PPO Plans: Preferred Provider Organization (PPO) plans offer more flexibility. You can see therapists outside your insurance network but might pay more:
- Out-of-Network Benefits: Check your policy for any coverage for out-of-network providers. You might be eligible for partial reimbursement if you submit claims yourself.
- Superbills: Some therapists provide a “superbill” which you can submit to your insurer for reimbursement. This document outlines the services rendered, which can be used to claim part of your expenses.

Understanding Deductibles and Coinsurance:

Deductibles: This is the amount you pay out-of-pocket before your insurance begins to cover costs. If your plan has a $1,000 deductible, you’ll need to spend this amount before insurance kicks in.
Coinsurance: After your deductible, coinsurance is the percentage of costs you’re responsible for. For example, with 20% coinsurance, if a session costs $200, you’d pay $40, and insurance would cover $160.

How to find your insurance information

Review Your Policy: Your insurance policy’s documentation should outline what mental health services are covered, including therapy. Look for sections on mental health or behavioral services.
Contact Your Insurer: Direct questions to your insurance provider. Ask about:
- Coverage for marriage or couples counseling specifically.
- CPT codes related to therapy (e.g., 90847 for family psychotherapy).
- Deductibles, copayments, coinsurance, and any session limits.
Therapist’s Role: Discuss coverage with your potential therapist. They might have insights or can help with billing or providing superbills for reimbursement.

The Cost of NOT Investing in Couples Therapy

When couples stand at the crossroads of deciding whether to invest in therapy, the financial aspect can feel like a heavy burden. The cost of sessions can loom large, especially when finances are already stretched thin between household expenses, children’s needs, or personal debts. It’s a moment of vulnerability where the fear of spending on something that might not yield immediate results can be paralyzing. Yet, this decision is not just about the immediate outlay; it’s about investing in the future of your relationship, your emotional health, and the well-being of your family.

Consider the cost of not investing in couples therapy. Without intervention, small issues can fester into significant conflicts, potentially leading to separation or divorce. The financial implications of divorce are enormous, not just in legal fees which can run into tens of thousands of dollars, but also in the indirect costs like splitting assets, alimony, child support, and the adjustment to single-income living. Beyond the financial aspect, the emotional toll on both partners and any children involved can be immeasurable, leading to years of therapy or other healing mechanisms that might have been mitigated or avoided with timely intervention.

Moreover, the absence of professional guidance might mean enduring a strained or unhappy relationship for years, which affects not only your mental health but also your productivity at work, physical health due to stress, and the overall quality of life. The cost of living with unresolved issues can manifest in numerous ways, from missed career opportunities due to personal turmoil to health care expenses from stress-related ailments. In this light, the cost of couples therapy might seem like a drop in the ocean compared to the potential long-term expenses of not addressing relationship issues. Here’s why investing in therapy could be one of the best financial decisions you make:

Relationship Longevity: Therapy can address issues before they lead to separation or divorce, which are far more costly both emotionally and financially.
Improved Communication: Learning to communicate effectively can save countless hours of conflict and misunderstanding in the future.
Mental Health Benefits: By resolving relationship stress, individual mental health can improve, potentially reducing other healthcare costs.
Preventive Care: Like any preventive health measure, investing in relationship health can prevent more severe issues down the line.
Quality of Life: A healthier relationship contributes to better overall life satisfaction, which is priceless.

Financial Considerations:

Sliding Scale Fees: Many therapists offer a sliding scale based on income, making therapy more accessible.
Short-Term vs. Long-Term: While the upfront cost might seem high, think in terms of long-term savings from avoiding divorce, legal fees, or the cost of ongoing individual therapy due to unresolved relationship issues.
Insurance Utilization: Even partial coverage can significantly reduce the financial burden, making therapy more viable.

In conclusion, while couples therapy might not always be directly covered by insurance, understanding your policy, exploring all available benefits, and considering the long-term value can make this investment worthwhile. Remember, the goal isn’t just to save money but to enrich your life through a healthier, more fulfilling relationship. If you’re considering couples therapy, take the time to explore your insurance options thoroughly, and don’t hesitate to ask for help in navigating these waters. Your relationship’s health might just be the most significant investment you make.

View our Couples Therapists

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Managing emotions

LA Fires make us ask: Who Do You Have? What Do You Need? How to Cope After the LA Wildfires

Written by John Allan Whitacre

The recent wildfires in Los Angeles have left deep scars on our community, both physically and emotionally. Entire neighborhoods have been displaced, families have lost their homes, and the landscape we love has been transformed. But beyond the visible damage, there is an invisible toll—one that lingers in our hearts and minds long after the flames have been extinguished.

As a therapist based in LA, I have witnessed firsthand the devastation these disasters bring. I have sat with individuals in the aftermath of displacement, listened to stories of loss, and even navigated my own experiences with evacuation and uncertainty.

In times of crisis, we are often forced to ask ourselves difficult questions. As I listened to Armchair Expert, I thought Monica Padman summed these difficult questions up beautifully. “Who do I have? What do I need? And sometimes, the answer to those questions feels unbearably heavy.”

If you are struggling, please know this: You are not alone. Healing takes time, and there are compassionate resources available to help you process the emotional and psychological impact of this disaster. Whether you have been directly affected or are supporting someone who has, this guide offers support, understanding, and hope.

Understanding the Psychological Impact of Wildfires

Natural disasters trigger a cascade of emotions, many of which can feel overwhelming and unpredictable. It is normal to experience any combination of the following:

Acute Stress: Feelings of shock, confusion, and an inability to focus immediately after the event.
Grief and Loss: Losing your home, your belongings, or your sense of security can feel deeply painful, bringing up feelings of sadness, mourning, and even anger.
Anxiety and Hypervigilance: The fear of another disaster can make it difficult to relax, trust, or feel safe.
Trauma and PTSD: Recurring nightmares, flashbacks, or avoidance behaviors may develop in response to the traumatic event.
Guilt: Many survivors struggle with survivor’s guilt, wondering why they were spared when others lost so much. Remember, grief is not a competition. Your pain is valid, no matter the extent of your losses.

Our brains are wired to protect us in moments of crisis, flooding us with stress hormones to help us survive. But when the danger passes, our nervous systems may struggle to recalibrate. The road to emotional recovery can be long, but acknowledging these feelings is the first step. Be gentle with yourself as your nervous system recovers from the stress.

Wildfires: Immediate Psychological First Aid

It’s difficult to know what to do in the immediate aftermath of a traumatic event. Here are some key ways to support yourself and others:

Ensure Safety First: If you are comforting someone affected, offer a calm, stable presence. Let them know they are safe.
Validate Feelings: Instead of offering solutions, listen. Sometimes, simply being heard is the most powerful form of support.
Offer Practical Help: Small gestures—helping someone find shelter, food, or reconnect with loved ones—can make an enormous difference.
Encourage Connection: Trauma thrives in isolation. Encourage people to reach out to family, friends, or local support groups.

It’s okay if you don’t have all the answers. Simply showing up with empathy and presence can provide immeasurable comfort.

Long-Term Coping Strategies & Local Resources

Once the immediate crisis has passed, it’s important to focus on long-term healing. Here are some local resources and techniques that may help:

1. Seeking Professional Support in Los Angeles

Trauma-Focused Therapy: Many LA-based therapists specialize in trauma recovery, offering therapies like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) or TF-CBT (Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy).
Community Counseling Centers: The Los Angeles County Department of Mental Health (LACDMH) provides free or low-cost therapy services. Call their 24/7 Help Line at 1-800-854-7771 for immediate assistance.
Local Support Groups: Organizations like the California Community Foundation and local faith-based groups offer emotional support and community gatherings for those in need.

2. Mind-Body Healing Techniques

Mindfulness & Meditation: Consider joining guided classes at InsightLA or The Mindfulness Center for relaxation and stress relief.
Yoga for Trauma Recovery: Studios like YogaWorks and Modo Yoga offer gentle, trauma-sensitive classes to help reconnect with the body.
Breathing Exercises: Deep breathing techniques can help regulate the nervous system and bring a sense of calm.

3. Rebuilding Resilience

Create a New Routine: Establishing even small daily rituals—morning tea, a walk, journaling—can provide a sense of normalcy.
Focus on Your Strengths: Reflect on past hardships you’ve overcome and remind yourself of your resilience.
Get Involved in Community Efforts: Rebuilding together fosters a sense of purpose. Consider volunteering with Habitat for Humanity Greater Los Angeles or local relief organizations.

4. Additional Crisis Support

Disaster Distress Helpline: 1-800-985-5990 (24/7 emotional support)
LACDMH Crisis Hotline: 1-800-854-7771 (Local LA-based mental health support)
California Fire Foundation’s SAVE Program: Provides emergency financial assistance to wildfire victims.
LA Family Housing: Offers shelter and resources for displaced families.

Supporting Children & Teens Through Trauma

Children and teens process disasters differently than adults. They might have different questions about wildfires and not know how to find answers. They may experience fear, withdrawal, behavioral changes, or even physical symptoms (such as stomach aches or trouble sleeping). To support them:

Provide Reassurance: Let them know they are safe and that you are there for them.
Maintain Structure: Routines help create a sense of security.
Encourage Expression: Play, art, and storytelling allow children to process their emotions in a safe way.
Watch for Signs of Distress: If a child exhibits prolonged sadness, aggression, or regression, consider reaching out to a child therapist. The Los Angeles Unified School District offers mental health support for affected students.

Caring for Caregivers & Supporters

If you’re supporting a loved one through these wildfires, don’t forget to take care of yourself as well. Compassion fatigue is real, and burnout can creep in if you don’t set boundaries.

Give yourself grace. It’s okay to feel exhausted or overwhelmed.
Seek your own support. Many LA therapists specialize in counseling for caregivers and first responders.
Engage in self-care. Whether it’s movement, creative expression, or simply rest—prioritize activities that restore you.

Final Thoughts: You Are Not Alone

Healing as a community amidst these wildfires will not be linear. There will be good days and bad days, moments of strength and moments of exhaustion. But you are not alone in this. Your pain is real, your grief is valid, and there are people who care about you.

If you need support, please don’t hesitate to reach out. Therapy, community connection, and small daily acts of self-care can make all the difference.

Together, as a community, we will rebuild—not just our homes, but our hearts as well.

Learn about therapy with John Allan

Anxiety, Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions

End People-Pleasing: How to Reclaim Your Voice and Relationships

Written by John Allan Whitacre

People-Pleasing is exhausting

Wrestling with the urge to please others can lead you to say yes when you often want to say no. Whether it’s a boss who overlooks your limits or a partner whose disappointment feels unbearable, many people feel pressured to prioritize others’ happiness over their own. This tendency is rooted in a desire for approval, fear of rejection, and conflict avoidance. While it may seem minor, people-pleasing can heighten anxiety, lead to burnout, and foster resentment in relationships.

As a therapist, I’ve seen how chronic people-pleasing can erode self-esteem, create burnout, and lead to resentment. The good news? You can break free from this cycle. Here’s a guide to understanding and overcoming people-pleasing, so you can reclaim your voice and live authentically.

People-Pleasing is a survival strategy

At its core, people-pleasing is a survival strategy. It often stems from childhood experiences where approval and compliance were necessary for safety, love, or acceptance. You may have learned that in stressful situations, your family needed you to be the rescuer/caretaker of the family. Over time, this behavior can solidify into a belief that your worth is tied to how much you can give or how well you can meet others’ expectations.

You may have received recognition or continue to receive praise for your people-pleasing tendencies. You might be known in your community as “a selfless giver” or as the friend who is available “day and night.” While these qualities may appear admirable, they often come at the expense of your well-being, personal boundaries, and authentic self.

People-pleasing can cause a painful cycle of over-accommodating people you are in relationships with. This can lead to resentment toward your partner and an inability to state your needs in the relationship.

Signs of people-pleasing:

Difficulty saying no – You feel guilty or anxious when setting boundaries.
Constantly seeking approval – Your self-worth depends on others’ validation.
Avoiding conflict at all costs – You prioritize peace over expressing your true feelings.
Overcommitting – You stretch yourself too thin to meet others’ needs.
Neglecting your needs – Your desires and well-being take a backseat.

The Cost of People-pleasing

While accommodating others may feel rewarding in the short term, the long-term impact can be detrimental. Chronic people-pleasing can lead to:

Emotional exhaustion and burnout
Suppressed anger or resentment
A weakened sense of self
Strained relationships due to unspoken needs and expectations

It is fascinating to me that the very thing we get external validation for is also the thing that leads to further hurt and strain in our relationships. In your need to accommodate other people’s needs and feelings, you end up missing one of the most powerful elements of relationships: reciprocity. Breaking free starts with recognizing these costs and making a conscious choice to prioritize your well-being.

Strategies to Overcome People-Pleasing

Understand Your Triggers Reflect on situations that prompt people-pleasing. Is it fear of rejection? A need for control? Awareness is the first step toward change.
Challenge Limiting Beliefs Replace thoughts like “I must make everyone happy” with affirmations such as “My needs are valid, too.”
Practice Saying No Start small. Politely decline requests that overextend you. For example, “I can’t take that on right now, but thank you for thinking of me.”
Set Clear Boundaries Identify your limits and communicate them assertively. Remember, boundaries are not about pushing others away but protecting your energy.
Embrace Discomfort Saying no or setting boundaries might feel uncomfortable initially. Lean into this discomfort as a sign of growth.
Reprioritize Yourself Regularly ask, “What do I need right now?” and honor the answer, even if it means disappointing others.
Seek Support Share your journey with trusted friends, a support group, or a therapist. External validation can reinforce your progress.

For Every Giver there is a Taker

A lot of people-pleasers experience a relationship in their childhood where they were asked to give up their needs in pursuit of meeting another person’s needs. This relationship creates an imbalance, leading you to suppress your needs because you believe they are burdensome to others.

In many relationships, especially those involving a people-pleaser, there can be an unhealthy dynamic where one party takes more than they give. Individuals who have unmet attachment needs might rely on others to fulfill them without recognizing the emotional labor or contributions of those they rely on. This can lead to a one-sided relationship where the people-pleaser feels compelled to constantly accommodate the other person’s desires, often at the expense of their own well-being.

This cycle becomes detrimental over time. The people-pleaser may feel overwhelmed and depleted, while the other individual remains unaware or indifferent to the imbalance. The people-pleaser must take a step back and evaluate this dynamic. Having an open and honest conversation about the relationship’s dynamics is vital. They should express their feelings and concerns, emphasizing the need for mutual recognition and support.

A helpful experiment to gauge the relationship’s strength is to begin asserting personal needs more clearly—especially by saying “no” when it’s necessary. Observing the response to this shift can provide insights into how the other person values the relationship. If they react positively and start to accommodate your needs as well, it might indicate a healthy foundation. Conversely, if they respond negatively or attempt to manipulate you back into your previous accommodating role, it can signal that the relationship may not be as balanced or sustainable as desired. Prioritizing one’s own needs is essential in any relationship, as it fosters mutual respect and emotional health for both individuals involved.

Strive for Reciprocal Relationships

One of the most beautiful aspects of relationships is reciprocity, where both partners are acknowledged for their needs. In a reciprocal relationship, each values the other’s feelings, thoughts, and desires, creating a balanced dynamic that fosters understanding and support. This mutual recognition not only strengthens the bond between partners but also enhances their ability to communicate effectively and resolve conflicts. Ultimately, reciprocity ensures that both individuals feel seen and appreciated, allowing the relationship to flourish in a nurturing environment.

Setting boundaries is another key aspect. Establishing limits on what one is willing to give can create space for both individuals to communicate their needs more effectively. It also fosters a healthier exchange of support and care.

These sorts of changes take time. Systems, habits, and relational patterns are hard to recorrect. If efforts to address the dynamic in your relationships don’t lead to any improvement, it might be necessary to reassess the relationship’s viability. Ending a relationship is never easy, but if it consistently undermines one’s self-worth and happiness, it might be the best course of action.

Breaking free from people-pleasing is not about becoming selfish; it’s about becoming self-aware and self-compassionate. As you practice prioritizing your needs, you’ll find that your relationships deepen and your sense of self strengthens. Over time, you’ll discover the freedom and joy of living authentically.

Your Worth is Measured by Reciprocity

Your worth is not measured by how much you do for others, it’s measured by your ability to honor yourself while building relationships rooted in mutual respect and reciprocity. Take small, consistent steps toward reclaiming your voice—you deserve it.

Are you feeling burnt out in your relationships, struggling with anger or resentment, or finding it hard to navigate strained connections due to people pleasing? Your needs are worth the time and space in therapy. Reach out now to schedule a call with me and start your journey toward healing.

Couples therapy in Pasadena with John Allan Whitacre, AMFT

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Managing emotions

Tools for Lasting Change: How to Craft Healthy New Year’s Resolutions

Written by John Allan Whitacre

Change is not easy to achieve. We are patterned humans, and it is more of a journey than a clear-cut path. As a therapist, one of the most rewarding aspects of my work is helping individuals navigate change. The new year offers a natural opportunity to reflect on where we’ve been and where we want to go. Resolutions can be a powerful tool for growth, but they require intentionality and a plan. Here are some insights and strategies to help you establish healthy patterns and make a meaningful New Year’s resolution this year.

Why New Year Resolutions Fail

Before diving into how to make effective resolutions, let’s examine why so many fall short.

Common pitfalls include:

Setting unrealistic goals: Ambitious resolutions like “I’ll lose 50 pounds in three months” often lead to burnout and disappointment.
Lack of clarity: Vague goals like “I want to be healthier” lack the structure necessary for success.
Neglecting habits: Change happens incrementally, yet many focus solely on results without addressing daily behaviors. If you are working through addiction or disordered behavior, more extensive treatment may be necessary.
All-or-nothing mindset: A single misstep can feel like a failure, leading to the abandonment of the goal.

Creating SMART Goals

To make your New Year’s Resolution stick, I recommend keeping your goals S.M.A.R.T. (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Time-bound). SMART goals provide a structured framework for setting and achieving objectives. By ensuring that your goals are SMART, you significantly increase your chances of success.

Specific: Clearly define your goal, leaving no room for ambiguity. Instead of a vague goal like “improve communication,” specify “have one coffee date a week to check in with each other and share our feelings about the previous week.”
Measurable: Quantify your goal to track progress and stay motivated. A measurable goal like “cut down soda drinking to 3 sodas per week” allows you to objectively assess your performance.
Achievable: Set realistic goals that challenge you without being overwhelming. While “increase exercise by going to the gym from 1x per week to 5x per week” might be achievable for some, others may need to start with a smaller increase.
Relevant: Align your goals with your values and long-term objectives. Ask yourself if a particular goal truly matters to you and supports your overall direction. Consider whether your personality aligns better with a structured regimen or a more flexible approach.
Time-bound: Set a deadline to create a sense of urgency and maintain focus. “Set a reminder on your calendar to check in on your goal in 2 months” ensures you regularly evaluate your progress and make necessary adjustments.

Remember that SMART goals are not set in stone. As you progress, you may need to modify your New Year’s Resolution to reflect new circumstances or insights. Regularly reviewing and adjusting your goals is essential for staying on track and achieving your desired outcomes.

By incorporating these SMART principles into your goal-setting process, you can transform your aspirations into concrete achievements. Remember to consider how they fit into your daily life. Sustainable change comes from integrating new behaviors into existing routines.

Examples of Healthy New Year Resolutions

Physical Health: Commit to one new nutritious recipe each week.
Mental Health: Dedicate 10 minutes daily to mindfulness or meditation.
Relationships: Schedule monthly coffee dates with a friend or loved one.
Personal Growth: Read one book per month on a topic that inspires you.

Give Yourself Grace

Change is hard, and perfection isn’t the goal. If you falter, remind yourself that growth is a process. Rather than giving up, reframe setbacks as learning opportunities. Compassion toward yourself fosters resilience.

The Power of Accountability

Sharing your resolutions with a trusted friend, therapist, or support group can make a significant difference. Having people, you trust in your corner can provide encouragement and perspective when the motivation for your New Year’s Resolution wanes.

A New New Year’s Resolution

The start of a new year is a chance to begin again, but meaningful change doesn’t happen overnight. By focusing on small, intentional steps, you can build patterns that support a healthier, happier version of yourself. This year let’s embrace progress over perfection and celebrate the journey toward becoming our best selves.

If you’re seeking a positive change in your life and want the support of a therapeutic relationship to navigate that journey, reach out today for a free consultation call. Let’s make progress together!

Learn about Therapy with John Allan Whitacre, AMFT

Managing emotions

Start Arguing the Right Way: How to Improve Your Most Frustrating Argument in 5 Minutes

Written by John Allan Whitacre

Your most common couple fight is likely causing you weekly or even daily stress. Arguing with your partner can feel repetitive… and they are. Every couple has a consistent pattern to their arguments. When you can understand your pattern, you’re well on your way to creating a new one. This post will help you understand your pattern – called a “pain cycle”: a way you relate to your partner that is unique to your experience.

What is the pattern behind your arguments?

Humans are very patterned creatures. A lot of the ways you interact with people are due to the thousands of interactions you have had before. As neuropsychiatrist, Dan Siegel says, “Neurons that fire together wire together”. Our brains create well-worn patterns whenever we argue with our partners. Our brain creates patterns when fighting with our partner, recalling feelings we have felt since early childhood. When these feelings trigger us, we tend to react in ways that can be harmful to us and our partners.

The Pain Cycle – understanding your pattern as a couple

The Pain Cycle is a therapeutic technique created by Terry and Sharon Hargrave as part of Restoration Therapy. This approach is based on the belief that the foundation of relationships is rooted in our trustworthiness and identity as human beings. At various points in our lives, our trust or sense of identity may have been harmed by others, affecting how we connect with those around us. As a result, we may react in ways that are not ideal when interacting with our loved ones.

Feelings are central to every argument

Reflect on a recent argument or a painful interaction you had with someone that tends to resurface in your mind. Consider how that experience made you feel, aiming to dig deeper than just the surface emotions. Try to explore deeper than the five core emotions—fear, sadness, anger, happiness, and disgust—and see what feelings might have been underneath the surface. Did you experience any of the following emotions?

Unworthy
Unloved
Unsafe
Alone

These feelings are believed to be at the core of the deep wounds we experienced in childhood. Take a moment to reflect on when you first felt these emotions. As a child, how did these feelings affect your actions?

This reflection leads us to our next section, where we will discuss coping strategies.

Understand your coping in an argument with your partner

Our coping behaviors are direct responses to our core feelings of pain. We can develop effective coping strategies, but we may also resort to reactive coping mechanisms that no longer benefit us. In this exercise, we will focus on the latter as it relates to understanding your pain cycle. Here are some common coping behaviors that people exhibit when they experience painful feelings:

Withdraw: do you tend to leave abruptly or “zone out” when you experience a painful feeling?
Pursue/Blame: Do you blame yourself for blame someone else when you are feeling hurt?
Numb: Do you use or abuse substances, devices, or people to experience a quick burst of positive feelings whenever you are experiencing feelings of pain?
Distract: Do you deflect your feelings elsewhere or try to change the subject so that it is less uncomfortable for you? Do you draw your attention elsewhere when someone says something that hurts you?

How does your partner respond in the argument

How do others respond when you are acting out your coping mechanisms? Many people do not realize that these behaviors are connected to their pain cycle. One thing that is universally true in my work with couples and individuals is that everything you do is relational. Your coping behaviors will affect your partners and friends. How do they typically respond to your coping? If you withdraw, do they simply move on with their lives, or do they try to pursue you to find out what’s wrong? If you blame others, do they hide or shrink away from you, prompting you to chase after them for reassurance?

One step you can take to improve arguments with your partner

Take some time to draw out your own personal pain cycle. Addressing these questions can help you break the cycle of pain you may be experiencing. It’s important to understand that our feelings, coping behaviors, and the responses we receive from others can lead us back to how we initially felt. This repetitive cycle is often why it seems like nothing is going well in your life or relationships.

To interrupt this cycle, you first need to acknowledge its existence. By naming your pain and recognizing the emotions that follow, you can learn to stop the pattern and develop healthier coping strategies. This is just one step in Restoration Therapy. If you’re intrigued and would like to explore this further for yourself or with your partner, call me today to schedule an appointment.

Managing emotions

Partner trust issues? How to rebuild trust after betrayal

Written by John Allan Whitacre

Trust is the foundation of all relationships. When partners trust each other, it builds safety in the relationship. Safety allows partners to express their emotions freely and allows each partner to know that they are not alone. When trust issues after betrayal arise, they affect intimacy and closeness.

Trust issues after betrayal can stem from past experiences with previous relationships, attachment styles developed in childhood, and communication issues from one or both partners. After exploring how trust issues after betrayal could show up in your relationships, we will discuss some ways you can rebuild trust with partner.

Past Betrayal Erodes Trust in Couples

Our painful past experiences in relationships can affect our current trust in the person with which we now find ourselves in a relationship. Take, for example, infidelity in the relationship. If you have been a victim of infidelity, it can be extremely difficult to turn off the “infidelity radar.” You may feel as though you are constantly on the verge of catching your new partner cheating.

Our brains hold onto harmful experiences as a means of self-preservation. Our body remembers experiences–especially painful ones–and sets up safety measures to keep things secure and prevent future hurt. While our brain can protect us from people with red flags, it can also foster a fear of rejection, making it difficult to be vulnerable and connect in a new relationship. In trying to protect us, our brain can sometimes create the very cycle we fear the most in our relationships, one that starts exciting but is superficial, and ultimately lonely. Rebuilding trust with partner after such betrayal requires addressing these protective mechanisms.

Trust and Your Attachment Style

Our childhood impacts the way we show up in our current relationships. How we relate to others in relationship is often referred to as an attachment style. There are four types of attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized (anxious/avoidant). In a relationship, both partner’s attachment styles affect the other. Knowing your attachment style can help you understand how you relate to others in relationship, especially when dealing with trust issues after betrayal.

Attachment Styles

Attachment Style	Description
Secure attachment	If you have a secure attachment, you find a lot of safety in comfort in your relationships. You seek out help and share feelings with those you have a close bond with. We all can securely relate to our partners. However, we also -even those who are securely attached- can relate insecurely with our partners in moments of stress.
Anxious attachment	Most people with an anxious attachment relate to others with a fear of abandonment from those close to them. With an anxious attachment, you might feel the need to get assurance from them regularly that you are safe in the relationship. It can be hard for you to trust that you will not be rejected by them.
Avoidant attachment	It can be hard for a person with an avoidant attachment style to trust in the intimacy and closeness of others. Naturally, people with this type of attachment may distance themselves when someone draws near to them. It is not uncommon for an anxious person to find and relate to someone who has an avoidant attachment. This creates a cycle of pursuing and avoiding that can feel stressful for both partners and affect their trust.
Anxious/avoidant (Disorganized)	People with anxious-avoidant or disorganized attachment can have multiple, usually inconsistent patterns of attaining love from others. People with this type of attachment are usually craving intimacy. Interestingly, they can be fearful of rejection, but also fearful of closeness at the same time.

Understanding your partner’s attachment style will lead to greater communication about how each person can have their attachment needs met. Curious exploration of a partner’s attachment style can help prevent miscommunication and frustration between partners, especially when rebuilding trust with partner after betrayal.

5 Signs of Trust Issues After Betrayal

At this time, If you are still unsure about whether you or your partner have trust issues after betrayal, here are some examples of how trust issues show up in the relationship:

Trust Issue	Description
Constant need for reassurance	Feeling the need to constantly seek reassurance from your partner about their feelings or intentions.
Possessiveness and jealousy	Feeling excessively possessive of your partner or experiencing intense jealousy.
Difficulty forgiving	Holding grudges and finding it difficult to forgive your partner for past mistakes.
Secrecy and lack of transparency	Keeping secrets from your partner or feeling hesitant to share personal information.
Constant monitoring	Feeling the need to constantly monitor your partner’s whereabouts or activities.

How to Rebuild Trust with Partner After Betrayal

One of the most powerful techniques to rebuild trust with partner after betrayal is to practice emotional honesty. Nevertheless, honest communication about your feelings can feel uncomfortable at first, almost like you are swimming upstream or opening up your heart for attack. This practice, however, in a safe emotional space with our partners, can lead to a boost in empathy and connection.

3 Benefits of Rebuilding Trust with Partner

Working to rebuild trust with partner after betrayal brings lasting rewards. Here are three key benefits:

Restored Safety: Honest sharing rebuilds emotional security, reducing fear and fostering vulnerability.
Deeper Connection: Addressing trust issues after betrayal strengthens intimacy through mutual understanding.
Greater Resilience: Overcoming betrayal equips couples for future challenges, promoting growth and stability.

Step-by-Step: Practices to Rebuild Trust with Partner

To start rebuilding:

Acknowledge Hurt: Openly discuss betrayal impacts without blame—name emotions to validate experiences.
Commit to Transparency: Share daily thoughts and actions honestly to counter secrecy from trust issues after betrayal.
Seek Support: Engage therapy for guided tools, rebuilding trust with partner through structured empathy exercises.

Embracing Healing: Therapy Guides Trust Rebuilding

Trust issues after betrayal don’t define your relationship—intentional steps can rebuild trust with partner for deeper bonds. At Here Counseling in Pasadena, we support couples through this with tailored tools.

Ready to heal? Contact Here Counseling today—stronger connections await.

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FAQ: Trust Issues After Betrayal

What are trust issues after betrayal?

Trust issues after betrayal include constant reassurance needs, jealousy, difficulty forgiving, secrecy, and monitoring; they stem from pain disrupting relational safety.

How to rebuild trust with partner?

Rebuild trust with partner by practicing emotional honesty, acknowledging hurt, committing to transparency, and seeking therapy for guided empathy and growth.

Signs of trust issues in relationships?

Signs include possessiveness, grudges, lack of transparency, and constant monitoring; addressing them early prevents deeper disconnection after betrayal.

How to overcome trust issues after betrayal?

Overcome trust issues after betrayal through open communication, understanding attachment styles, and professional support to restore safety and intimacy.

Can trust be rebuilt after betrayal?

Yes, trust can be rebuilt after betrayal with consistent honesty, empathy, and time; couples often emerge stronger through intentional healing efforts.

What causes trust issues in relationships?

Trust issues arise from past betrayal, insecure attachment styles, or communication gaps; early experiences shape fears of abandonment or rejection.

How long to rebuild trust after betrayal?

Rebuilding trust after betrayal varies but often takes months to years with consistent effort; patience and therapy accelerate the process.

Therapy for trust issues after betrayal?

Therapy for trust issues after betrayal focuses on attachment exploration, emotional honesty, and rebuilding safety through guided exercises.

Rebuilding trust after infidelity?

Rebuilding trust after infidelity involves transparency, forgiveness work, and therapy to address pain and prevent future breaches.

Partner trust issues?

Partner trust issues manifest as jealousy or withdrawal; rebuild by validating feelings and committing to consistent, honest actions together.

Learn more about Couple’s Therapy with John Allan

Healthy Relationships

Communication 101 for Couples: How to communicate better

Written by John Allan Whitacre

Effective communication is vital for couples to feel connected and understood. Yet, many partners struggle with this, especially when life gets busy or the relationship feels stuck in a rut. This article shares essential communication skills, practical steps, and common pitfalls to help you and your partner communicate better. By fostering curiosity and using these strategies, you can strengthen your bond and create a deeper, more meaningful connection.

Why Communication Skills Matter in Relationships

Communication skills is one of the main issues that prevent partners from feeling an overall connection to one another. Many couples want to communicate better but find it difficult when they are managing busy lives or not having time to ask each other the questions they used to while dating. When you are feeling disconnected from your partner, it can be really difficult to maintain a level of curiosity about their lives.

How the two of you are interacting in a relationship can feel like an endless pattern that makes you feel trapped. We know that this can’t be the only way to relate, but partners often feel helpless about where to begin when they have gone months or even years feeling disconnected.

Top Communication Skills for Couples

To build a strong foundation, couples need to master a few key communication skills. These skills help you understand each other better and navigate challenges with empathy and respect. Here are five essential skills every couple should practice:

Active Listening: Listen without interrupting. Show you’re engaged by nodding or restating what your partner says (e.g., “It sounds like you’re feeling overwhelmed”).
Expressing Emotions Clearly: Use “I” statements to share your feelings (e.g., “I feel stressed”) instead of blaming (e.g., “You always ignore me”).
Asking Curious Questions: Spark deeper conversations with open-ended questions like “What are you feeling right now?” or “What’s something you’ve always wanted to try?”
Reading Nonverbal Cues: Pay attention to body language, tone, and facial expressions to understand unspoken emotions.
Making Time to Connect: Set aside intentional time each week—like a walk or coffee date—to talk without distractions.

Yet today we’re going to explore one larger communication skill for couples that underlies these 5 communication skills: curiosity. The saying goes, “curiosity killed the cat” but today we will explore how simple curiosity can be the fuel for connection in your marriage.

After reading an article from the New York Times titled: The Midlife Marriage Tuneup I felt inspired to write about three questions that can help you communicate better with your partner. My hope is that this can be especially helpful if it has been hard for you or your partner to be curious about each other.

How can curiosity help you communicate better with your partner?

When life feels really difficult and stressful, it can be hard to slow down and hear about your partner in a deeper way. Curious questions can spark deep conversations that can lead to a deeper connection and appreciation for your partner. This curiosity helps each partner communicate better by allowing each person to feel heard and seen.

I would highly recommend carving out an intentional space in your week to discuss these questions with your partner. Ask your partner if they would like to get coffee, or dinner, or go on a walk. This space can offer each of you the opportunity to find connection in an intimate way, without the demands of life knocking at your door.

3 Questions to Build Curiosity and Foster Communication Skills

1. What is your “current location?”: Communicate better by asking how your partner feels in the moment

First off, no this does not mean asking your partner to share their location on their phone. I know this sounds confusing already and you may even be asking yourself how this question makes sense in a relationship. However, just like it is important to know someone’s address when you are traveling to their house, it is essential to know what your partner is feeling when you go into a conversation with them.

My mentors in couples therapy, Nick and Renee Fouts, developed this question to help couples locate each other’s emotions like they are looking at each other with a map. The idea being that once you know where each partner is located, you are better able to meet them where they are at. This sort of curious questioning leads to a deeper understanding of what our partner is going through, and can help us know what our partner may need in the moment. If this question doesn’t land, it might be easier to ask “what are you feeling in this moment?” or “what are the good and bad parts of your day that you would like to share?”

2. What’s one thing you’ve always wanted to try but haven’t, and why?

It can be very difficult to talk about dreams with your partner when you are feeling surrounded by the demands of life. Once the honeymoon phase fades, talking about dreams can feel daunting or even wasteful, as the demands of life increase.

Sharing each other’s dreams can be a great way for couples to see where they may align in shared interests or goals. This sort of connection can lead to a renewed sense of optimism, and it also allows space for couples to see where they are different as well. You can even take time to ask how each of you can support one another better in their goals.

3. What are your needs right now?

Finding alignment in how your partnership can improve is always difficult. It is very difficult to strike a balance between being emotionally honest and pushing a partner away. If both of you feel like you are giving each other the opportunity to share however, this question can lead to a lot of understanding between how each partner shows up in the relationship. It can also help both of you see the difference between the needs a partner has control over and a need that a partner does not have control over.

Take this need for example: “I just need my work to be less stressful.” As a partner, you have very little control over whether work is more or less stressful, but now you have a look into what struggles they are thinking about on a daily basis, and it can help lead to further connection when you seem them stressed or feel like they are being distant.

An example of a need a partner could say that another partner might have control over is “I just need more support around the home.” This need can be expressed in a variety of ways. It is important to remember that as the partner who is hearing this it is typically coming from the other person being overwhelmed by the demands of life. You do have control over this scenario, but their feelings are informing their need. Use this space as an opportunity to hear more about their feelings, do not try to quickly defend yourself or come up with quick solutions.

Common Communication Mistakes Couples Make (and How to Fix Them)

Even with the best intentions, couples often fall into communication traps that create distance. Here are five common mistakes and how to avoid them:

Mistake: Interrupting during conversations.
Solution: Wait for your partner to finish, showing respect for their thoughts.
Mistake: Assuming their feelings or thoughts.
Solution: Ask questions like “What’s your current location?” to confirm where they’re at emotionally.
Mistake: Avoiding tough topics.
Solution: Address issues directly but gently, using curiosity to guide the talk.
Mistake: Trying to “win” disagreements.
Solution: Focus on understanding each other, not proving a point.
Mistake: Ignoring nonverbal signals.
Solution: Watch for tone or body language to catch unspoken emotions.

By recognizing and addressing these mistakes, you can prevent misunderstandings and keep your communication healthy.

FAQ: Communication Skills for Couples

Here are quick answers to common questions about improving communication in relationships:

How can couples improve their communication?
Couples can improve by asking curious questions, listening actively, and setting aside distraction-free time to talk, like during a walk or coffee date.
What are effective communication skills for couples?
Effective skills include using “I” statements, asking questions like “What are your needs right now?”, and paying attention to nonverbal cues.
Why does curiosity matter in couple communication?
Curiosity helps partners understand each other deeply, fostering connection by encouraging honest, judgment-free conversations.

Ask with curiosity for deeper connection: Communicate better today.

Remember to ask these questions with genuine curiosity and an open mind, creating a safe and non-judgmental space for your partner to share their thoughts and feelings. Through these conversations, couples can strengthen their bond and cultivate a deeper level of intimacy. By actively listening to each other’s responses, couples can deepen their understanding and empathy, leading to a stronger and more connected relationship. I believe that each couple is capable of deeper curiosity about their partner, schedule a consultation call with me today if you would like to uncover what deeper connection can look like in couples therapy.

Learn about couples therapy with John Allan Whitacre