Managing emotions

Am I Too Stressed? 3 Indicators Men Don’t Notice!

Written by Here Counseling
Stressed man worried about his relationships

Stress hits every individual differently, regardless of gender orientation or expression. But men struggling with too much stress often adopt negative coping skills that may not always be obvious. These negative coping skills, such as irritation, escape, unhealthy eating, and maladaptive digestion to name only a few, can effect way more than just your mental health. 

Stress is sometimes good. It can keep you motivated to get your work done, stay social, and maintain a healthy lifestyle. But chronic stress results in health complications that can limit your quality of life.

Here are the physical, mental, and emotional signs that indicate you’re at risk of developing chronic stress.

What are Physical Indicators of Stress in Men?

We often think of stress as worry or fear of that upcoming deadline or of checking off enough items on the to-do list. But often we fail to realize that stress comes with many physical symptoms as well.

Chronic stress is evidence of an overactive fight or flight response which, by nature, draws your body’s attention away from important functions like digestion and immunity, and instead increases your heart rate, muscle energy, and breathing. Chronic stress can therefore increase infection risk and slow healing, and cause problems in your gut and nutrition absorption. 

Physical indicators of stress:

  • Chest pain
  • Irregular heartbeats
  • Elevated blood pressure
  • Body weakness or fatigue
  • Shortness of breath
  • Muscle spasms
  • Neck or lower back pain
  • Vertigo or Dizziness
  • Tension Headaches

In addition, you may also experience:

  • Tightness in the throat
  • Increased thirst or mouth dryness
  • Teeth grinding or locked jaw
  • Frequent sweating
  • Abdominal cramps
  • Digestive issues such as constipation, diarrhea, or indigestion
  • Skin problems such as acne or blemishes
  • Weight gain or loss

If you’re experiencing any physical signs of stress, do not ignore them. Find the right therapist and visit your doctor to make sure you’re not suffering from any underlying medical issues.

What are the Psychological Indicators of Stress in Men?

When your body is under the influence of stress, it produces hormones like cortisol, affecting your thinking pattern.

Stress also blocks the release of happy hormones from your brain, such as serotonin and dopamine.

Psychological indicators of stress include:

  • Lack of sleep or insomnia
  • Social withdrawal
  • Inconsistent sex drive or libido
  • Constant mood swings
  • Fidgeting or irritability
  • Frequent hunger pangs or starvation
  • Escape to alcohol or other substances
  • Diminished productivity or creativity

If you find yourself checking off items from these lists, check out Kristi’s recent post on 3 tried-tested ways to clear your mind. It’s pure gold! And if you find yourself craving extra guidance, reach out to us for a free consult. 

What are the Emotional Indicators of Stress in Men?

Whenever stressed, your brain tends to entertain irrational beliefs. These unhelpful thoughts can cause incredibly painful emotions, and sometimes harmful choices that can lead you down a direction contrary to what you imagined for yourself. 

Emotional indicators of stress:

  • Regular crying spells
  • Staying at home more than usual
  • Avoiding friends or family
  • Saying “no” to activities you usually enjoy
  • Frequent nightmares
  • Obsessive or compulsive behaviors 
  • Escape to alcohol or substance use

Find ways to bring oxygen to your difficult emotions by opening up with safe individuals. By releasing tough feelings from your body, you free your body to return to its baseline, peaceful functioning. 

Does Stress Make You Sick?

With your fight or flight system calling the shots, your body’s ability to maintain your physical health is hijacked. This can put you at risk of cardiac disorders, gastrointestinal disorders, increased virus risk, sexual dysfunction, or other physical difficulties. 

Here’s the bottom line:

Stress disrupts every phase of your life and snatches your independence by putting you at a higher risk of developing multiple mental and physical disorders. If you’re experiencing a majority of the above-mentioned physical, mental, or emotional factors, you might be at risk of chronic stress. 

You owe it to yourself to seek help. Visit your doctor to insure you aren’t suffering from a medical condition. Feel free to reach out to me or the other therapists at Here Counseling if you’d like an experienced guide on your side as you navigate your way out of chronic stress. 

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Anxiety, Managing emotions

Navigating stress as a college student

Written by Here Counseling

This week, a 12am deadline came on the same day a super cute someone invited you to the event with the film club after class. And last week, hours of YouTube searches didn’t help you narrow down between your 3 top potential majors. You know you need to navigate between sleep and deadlines and family and dating and maintaining friends, but it all seems too much. 

Being a college student comes with a fair amount of stress. Trying to balance these never ending elements can make us feel like we aren’t measuring up. What’s worse is that during such periods of stress, our brains are primed to adopt a negative self-monologue. 

Turn down the stress voice

Underneath these negative monologues is an unhelpful belief about the self. See if any of these messages fit with your experience, or if perhaps you can come up with one not listed:

“I’m alone.” 

“I’m not good enough.” 

“I’m not safe.” 

“I’m not loved.” 

Take a moment to reflect and analyze what your recent train of thought has been. Asking yourself these questions, could help you narrow it all down: 

  • How has it made you feel? 
  • Do you have that constant trepidation that everything is going to get worse? 
  • Are you replaying all the ways certain people or events have made you feel like you’re not good enough? 
  • Do your dreams feel far from reach? 

Raise the volume on your empowerment voice

Slow down for a moment. Take a look at how far you’ve come. It’s easy to focus on how much you’ve not done or the mistakes you’ve made. 

You cooked dinner for yourself? That’s amazing. 

Came to class even though you were emotionally exhausted? You’re doing your best. 

Have you fought the onslaught of negative words? That’s bravery.

In taking the chance to celebrate your wins, you adopt a more empowering self belief. See if any of these empowering identity messages fit for you, or if perhaps you can come up with one not listed:

“I have plenty of support around me.”

“I’m good at many things.”

“I can be safe with healthy boundaries.”

“I know people who love me.”

Try spending the first 2-5 minutes of your day celebrating what’s right in your life and what that means about your empowering identity message. You can go on preparing for your day. Celebrate all the wins you can in this time. Clap for yourself; applaud your endeavors, high five your mirror reflection! 

Live in your newfound empowerment. 

Think of these identity volumes as operating frameworks. When you step into the day from the framework of “I’m not good enough”, you second guess decisions, taking a long time to make any choice. Perhaps you’ll avoid talking to someone you find attractive. And sitting to write that term paper feels like running a marathon. 

When you increase the volume on your positive identity beliefs such as “I’m good at many things”, you experience the confidence to step out of your comfort zone. You discover an empowerment to make good choices quickly. You find that the term paper doesn’t bring as much stress as before. 

Knowing when you need therapy

Choosing to alter your operating framework to a more empowering self belief is not so simple all the time. Very often, we need to pick apart our life stories and our present stresses in order to understand and even believe what is truly positive and strong about who we are. This journey of exploration can easily be facilitated in a therapy setting. In therapy, we’ll peer underneath the messages and events holding you back from the goals you’ve set for yourself, uncovering and dismantling their negative power on your progress. 

Fill out a contact form or call our office to set up a free 15-minute consultation if you’d like to discuss how therapy could help you navigate through the stresses of college life. 

Gavin Cross, LMFT
Gavin Cross, LMFT

Counseling for men and couples
I empower men and couples to embrace an authentic sense of self.

Website Link Here!
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LGBTQ emotion regulation
Managing emotions

LGBTQ Emotion Regulation: 4 Powerful and Simple Tips to Survive any Reaction to your Queerness

Written by Here Counseling

Being Queer is something that you’ve worked hard to embrace. You’ve accepted your identity as a fact that you can’t and don’t want to change, and this level of self-acceptance has come with some major benefits.

  • Your anxiety and depression have decreased. 
  • Your understanding of yourself, your dreams, and your likes and dislikes have all increased.
  • Your friendships are rich and complex because you are living as your authentic self.

But while you’ve bulleted forward on your path of understanding and self-acceptance, you’ve left others behind- family members and former friends that you wish would understand and accept you more than they do. When you’re confronted with the vast difference between how far you’ve come and where your loved one is, it can make you feel like the gains you’ve made don’t matter. However, this cannot be further from the truth! Emotion regulation can help when you’re in these situations.

Queer Empathy

You likely have a high sense of empathy due to the ways you now understand yourself. As an LGBTQ individual, you have likely spent upwards of hundreds or thousands of hours contemplating your identity, what it means, and how to exist in a world of heteronormativity and cisnormativity. 

Your family (unless they also identify as LGBTQ) has likely not spent nearly this many hours on the topic. This may mean that some of them are stuck in ways of thinking that have been dictated to them by broader heteronormative culture, and others may be deeply entrenched in an anti-queer bias that seems relentless. 

Emotion regulation to survive reactions to your Queerness.  

Whether a loved one makes an innocent but uneducated comment, or a hateful comment meant to degrade, your emotions can easily get hijacked. It’s important to take a step back and have a quick conversation with your thoughts and emotions to remain centered. 

4 CRUCIAL QUESTIONS TO REGAIN EMOTIONAL CENTEREDNESS

  1. WHAT DOES THIS INTERACTION MAKE ME BELIEVE ABOUT MYSELF?

Behind our anger, our sadness, our disappointment, is a negative self-belief in response to our loved one’s actions or words. The crucial first step in emotion regulation is to ask yourself- what is the negative self-belief message that you are getting from this interaction. Some of the messages that you might be receiving are:

  • Something’s wrong with me.
  • I’m not loved.
  • I don’t matter.
  • I’m not wanted.
  • I’m not safe.

There are many other potential negative self-belief messages that could be attacking you. Listen to your heart and mind, and name which one(s) plague you the most often. 

  1. WHEN I BELIEVE THIS WAY, HOW DO I NORMALLY RESPOND?

Negative self-beliefs are brutal. These messages really want you to self-sabotage. It’s important to know the behaviors and emotions these negative beliefs try to get you to adopt. Typically, a person tends to respond to these messages similarly each time these beliefs come up. The more you ask yourself these emotion regulation questions, the more solid your skills will become. Here are a few examples of unhelpful responses you may experience in response to negative self-beliefs:

  • Anger, retaliation
  • Self-medication (drugs, alcohol, sex, TV, video games, etc.)
  • Running away, escape
  • Self-hate, self-blame
  • Fatigue
  • Depression
  • Body symptoms  
  • Stress
  1. WHAT’S TRUE ABOUT ME?

Now it’s time to fight the negative self-belief. In this step, you want to search for evidence that the negative self-belief is untrue. As an LGBTQ individual, it’s also important in this step to ask yourself if the loved one is truly a safe person for you. Many heteronormative individuals have never had to confront their own thoughts, beliefs, and values about Queer identities. Because of this, they may need some time and education in order to change beliefs and decrease problematic comments or responses. For others, their anti-LGBTQ bias may be so entrenched that they may never be safe to be in a relationship with. You might find that this step of searching for truth looks different for the two following categories of truth statements.

With individuals who want to understand but aren’t there yet:

  • This person seems curious, and that curiosity makes me feel seen. 
  • This person is communicating that they love me and I feel loved. 
  • I have this person’s attention. I am important.
  • This person seems shocked, but maybe they just need time. They’ve shown me in the past that I really matter to them.

With individuals who show no interest in understanding or accepting me:

  • I’m loved. The people who love me are not in this room, and that’s okay.
  • This sucks but this will end and I can leave. I can choose to walk away at any point.
  • My journey matters. I won’t abandon it.
  • This is not a safe topic with this person, but I have others I can speak with openly.
  1. IN LIGHT OF THIS TRUTH, HOW DO I WANT TO RESPOND?

Having fought the negative self-belief with evidence of what is true about you, you are now empowered to take control from the negative self-belief and step into the confidence and peace you long for. Some affirmations to move forward are:

  • I will exercise patience and understanding with those putting in an effort to understand and love me. 
  • I will walk away from dehumanizing interactions when I need to, knowing that at the end of the day I still matter. 
  • I will spend extra time thinking of and appreciating those who truly care about me. 
  • I recognize that I know my body, soul, and experience better than someone who has never lived my story. 

How do I know when I need more than emotion regulation- do I need therapy?

Look, I get it. You’re a queer individual in a heteronormative and cisnormative world. You want to love yourself well and be free to love others authentically. Sometimes, we need a little help getting there. You can always ask a therapist for a free consultation to see if therapy could be a good fit for you. 

Stand in your strength!

Incorporate the 4 questions of emotion regulation into your routine when dealing with difficult conversations. 

  1. What does this interaction make me believe about myself? 
  2. When I believe this way, how do I normally respond?
  3. What’s true about me?
  4. In light of this truth, how do I want to respond?

Remember that you have so much value. Negative self-beliefs want you to ignore your value, but it’s always there. Tap into that truth and stand in the confidence and strength that you deserve.

Reference:
Hargrave, T. D., & Pfitzer, F. (2011). Restoration therapy: Understanding and guiding healing in marriage and family therapy. Routledge.

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Anxiety, Managing emotions

What to do when I’m Anxious? Four simple questions to put you back on track.

Written by Here Counseling

Anxiety is that pesky companion that wants to rob you of your control in life. 

  • It hijacks your thoughts during important moments.
  • It tenses your shoulders, your chest, and your digestive system. 
  • It over activates your “what if” fears.
  • It can affect your sleep, diet, and ability to stay present and attentive to life.

You want to take a deep breath, rest once in a while, to be assured that somehow everything will be okay, but Anxiety’s “what if” voice has your amygdala doing somersaults, taxing your nervous system with a constant, low-volume version of fight or flight. 

Anxiety’s Master Plan

Anxiety is most successful at taking over if it can convince you there’s something in your life that isn’t secure or loved. Your amygdala may automatically trigger your fight or flight response when you feel unsafe or unloved.

Fight or flight is beneficial when you are in present physical danger. Your digestive system shuts down, your logic and reasoning are dulled, blood rushes to contracted muscles, and your heart rate increases, so you can expend the energy where it matters when in danger: getting to safety.

Fight or flight is less helpful when you’re worried about a promotion, when you don’t know if you and your partner see eye-to-eye, when a difficult test is around the corner and you aren’t sure if you studied enough. 

We want to turn down the volume on Anxiety’s voice of unsafety and insecurity. Turning down the volume will help you gain a little more control over when you need your amygdala’s essential function and when you don’t. The way to turn on the brain’s logic center is by asking ourselves four crucial questions.

4 Important questions to regain control from Anxiety

1) WHAT AM I FEELING IN REGARDS TO MY SECURITY AND SENSE OF BEING LOVED?

Anxiety’s power is in convincing you that things cannot be okay. Its voice is always found in an unhelpful statement about yourself:

  • Something’s wrong with me.
  • I’m not enough.
  • It’s hopeless.
  • I’m not wanted.
  • I should have known better.
  • I’m a failure.

This list is not exhaustive. There are many potential unhelpful messages that Anxiety may be trying to tell you about yourself.

For some, this first question will be the hardest of the four, but it’s essential to start here with Anxiety’s voice so you know how to speak to it. Behind your racing heart, behind your fear of calling that parent, behind your worry about what someone else is thinking, there is an unhelpful voice trying to convince you something negative about WHO YOU ARE. Try in this first step to name that message.

2) WHEN I FEEL THIS WAY, HOW DO I NORMALLY RESPOND?

Anxious symptoms and behaviors are a response to those unhelpful messages that Anxiety wants you to believe about yourself. If you’re convinced you are unwanted, you may struggle with sleeping or what you eat. When feeling hopeless, you may respond in outrage. If you feel like a failure, you may give up or spend hours thinking through a problem instead of experiencing peace, rest, and a solution.

You’ll win the battle against Anxiety when you can 1) name the negative message about your security and sense of being loved, and 2) when you can name how you are tempted to respond to the aforementioned negative message. Here is a small list of potential examples:

  • Excessive worry
  • Self-medication (drugs, alcohol, sex, TV, video games, etcetera)
  • Racing thoughts
  • Lashing out
  • Giving up
  • Fatigue
  • Body symptoms  
  • Feeling on edge
  • Changes in diet

3) WHAT’S POSITIVE AND TRUE ABOUT ME?

Here’s where you can consciously choose to divert your attention to evidence that contradicts Anxiety’s unhelpful voice, where you entertain thoughts that are more true about who you are. If this step is difficult, you can begin by journaling about times the negative message was untrue about you. Eventually, practice diverting to these more positive messages in the middle of Anxiety’s advances to lessen its power.

  • There are plenty of reasons to hope.
  • I have proven I can succeed.
  • I will get through it.
  • I did the best I could.
  • There’s reason to believe I am loved and cared for.

4) HOW WOULD I RATHER RESPOND?

Through knowing the truth of who you are and the strength and love inside of you, you have now turned down the volume on Anxiety’s unhelpful voice and can choose more helpful behaviors and fewer body symptoms.

  • Practice deep breathing and mindfulness.
  • Give attention to the people around you instead of to the problem.
  • Improve eating and sleeping habits.
  • Enjoy soothing behaviors like TV, alcohol, etc., in a healthier, non-excessive way.
  • Complete tasks efficiently with a more solution and strength-based mindset.

How do I know when I need therapy?

Anxiety can be a formidable adversary to fight. Maybe you want a coach to walk you through these four steps. Or perhaps you’d like a little help looking underneath the unhelpful messages, understanding the deeper unconscious drives that have led to some of the symptoms you experience.

There’s no harm in asking a therapist for a free consultation to see if you might be a good candidate for a little extra help. All therapists at Here Counseling offer free consultations, and if we’re not the right therapist for you, we can help you find someone who is.

You’ve got this!

Integrate these four questions into a regular routine. 

  1. What am I feeling in regards to my security and sense of being loved?
  2. When I feel this way, how do I normally respond?
  3. What’s positive and true about me?
  4. How would I rather respond?

Eventually, you’ll be able to quickly cycle through these four questions in the middle of a stressful experience, utilizing the empowerment of truth to turn down the volume on Anxiety’s unhelpful messages, and living in the peace and accomplish you long for. 

Questions to Respond to Anxiety Worksheet

Want these questions in an easy to use free downloadable worksheet? This worksheet will help you take steps forward in dealing with anxiety. You’ll also get access to all our worksheets in Here Counseling’s Resource Library!

Download Free Worksheet

Reference:

Hargrave, T. D., & Pfitzer, F. (2011). Restoration therapy: Understanding and guiding healing in marriage and family therapy. Routledge.

Gavin Cross, AMFT
Gavin Cross, AMFT

I empower young adults and couples to enjoy connection and embrace life transitions.

Learn about therapy with Gavin
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Managing emotions

What to do when I’m Depressed: 3 habits to incorporate for your mental health.

Written by Here Counseling

It can feel impossible to get ahead of what Depression tries to take from your life. 

  • You find it hard to do the things you once loved.
  • You wonder if your energy and drive will ever return. 
  • Your relationship with food, sleep, sex, and motivation no longer makes any sense.

You want to regain control of the peace you once felt, but the peace seems so far away you aren’t even sure you remember how peace felt. 

Depression’s Sneaky Goals

Depression often makes its entrance through a mix of difficult life experiences, misfiring chemicals in the brain, unhelpful interpretations of events or relational interactions, or even all of the above. But Depression flexes its malicious strength by working to convince you that there is nothing you can do to stop it. 

Depression’s Goals:

  • Convincing you to spend more time alone, away from loved ones or fun activities that can help diminish its power
  • Persuading you to overeat or undereat, affecting your glucose levels and subsequently keeping you in a foggy mindspace.
  • Assuring you that you don’t have the energy to get out of bed, thus keeping you in a lethargic state that encourages more tiredness.

Saying NO to Depression’s Power

1. REST

Many who suffer from Depression experience either hypersomnolence (too much sleep), or insomnolence (too little sleep). The result of too little or too much rest is a crushing lack of energy. Aim for 7-9 hours of sleep, keeping in mind that urges to oversleep or overrelax are Depression’s wants, not yours. Set an alarm and adhere to it with strict determination. You have the strength within you to say NO to Depression’s goals. 

If initiating sleep is difficult, cut caffeine earlier in the day, avoid screens for the final hours of the day, and ensure a relaxing bedroom environment as bedtime approaches. If these fixes don’t help, talk to your doctor about your difficulty sleeping.

Equally, remember that relaxing in waking hours is necessary. Allow yourself to lay on the couch and watch some comedies without guilt, but remember that getting off the couch after a reasonable amount of time is equally important. 

2. EXERCISE

Have you heard of a runner’s high? Or a weight-lifter’s euphoria? Feel-good chemicals released in your brain during exercise, chemicals like endorphins, endocannabinoids, dopamine, and serotonin can feel like pure magic if exercise is part of your regular health routine. 

Regular exercise can also regulate your body’s relationship with food and healthy sleep. Saying NO to Depression’s seduction toward lethargy by moving your body is one of the single greatest practices you can incorporate into your health routine. 

3. PLEASURE

Your friends want to spend time together, to participate in activities that used to bring joy, but now you can hardly imagine responding to their texts. Just saying YES to dinner and a movie can feel like the bravest three letters you’ve ever typed. But you ARE brave, so do it! Drag yourself to the car and get that chicken parm you love so much when your best friend wants to see you. Make sure to get a great hug. In bravely seeking out pleasure with others, you’ll release dopamine and oxytocin, more feel-good chemicals, into your body, and watch as Depression’s power begins to shrink. 

How do I know when I need therapy?

Perhaps you wonder if you need a little extra help. Are you finding yourself in the same patterns and nothing seems to help? Maybe you’ve reached out to friends, gone to the gym regularly, been strict about your sleep and rest, and you don’t feel better. 

Depression can be a complicated adversary, one we sometimes need a little help to tackle. In therapy, we’ll peer behind the unconscious motivators behind your stuck feelings and explore some helpful tools to increase your power against the malady that is Depression. 

There’s no harm in asking a therapist for a free consultation to see if you might be a good candidate for a little extra help. All therapists at Here Counseling offer free consultations, and if we’re not the right therapist for you, we can help you find someone who is. 

Be empowered to be you. 

You long for peace in your days, in your nights. You want to clear the fog in your brain and enjoy the things you used to love. Incorporate healthy levels of REST, EXERCISE, and PLEASURE into your life, and see how empowering it can be to lessen Depression’s power. 

Incorporate these 3 Habits when Depressed Worksheet

Want these questions in an easy to use free downloadable worksheet? This worksheet will help you take steps forward in dealing with anxiety. You’ll also get access to all our worksheets in Here Counseling’s Resource Library!

Download Free Worksheet
Gavin Cross, AMFT
Gavin Cross, AMFT

I empower young adults and couples to enjoy connection and embrace life transitions.

LEARN ABOUT GAVIN
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Managing emotions

Am I depressed? One Quick Tip to Tell if You Have Depression

Written by Here Counseling

You know something feels off, you don’t feel like yourself. People closest to you say you’re moving a bit slower or smiling a bit less. You don’t have the same energy, you feel more irritable, or concentration is hard. You want to regain control of your life, to feel like you’re getting somewhere, but an unwelcome cloud in your mind is holding you back. So you’ve found yourself wondering: 

“Am I depressed?”

“How will I know if I’m depressed?”

“And what should I do about depression?”

We’re going to explore one method you can use to test if you’re suffering from depression. My hope is to help you take the first step in naming your experience so you can be empowered to decide what to do about it. 

Young worried woman thinking of something while calculating her home budget.

Testing for Depressed Mood

I invite you to think of the next five minutes as an opportunity to engage in a conversation with yourself. Listen to the categories we’re going to cover, ask yourself not only if you relate, but also how you feel about relating. 

The American Psychological Association counts out 9 potential symptoms of a major depressive episode. 

I’m going to break down all 9 as you count how many apply to your experience: 

  1. Do you experience low mood most of the day on most days? This could feel like sadness, but it could also feel like emptiness or hopelessness. Some might feel numb or emotionless, others may burst into tears. In minors this can even look like irritation. 
  2. Do you experience a diminished interest or pleasure in things you feel you’d normally enjoy. Maybe the same pleasureful respites don’t cut it anymore, or maybe you’re finding yourself avoiding them altogether.
  3. Is your appetite more or less than it should be? This is one that can confuse people. Some experience an increase in appetite or weight gain during depressed mood. Others might experience a decrease in appetite or a decrease in weight.
  4. Are you sleeping less or more than you need? Similar to number 3, this is a time when either way isn’t helpful. Maybe you’re experiencing insomnia, which looks like either difficulty initiating sleep, difficulty sleeping in the middle of the night, or waking too early with an inability to go back to sleep. Or maybe you experience hypersomnia, defined as 10 hours or more of combined sleep in a 24 hr period. 
  5. Are your movements slower than usual? Or are they more restless and agitated than usual? What do your friends notice? 
  6. Do you experience fatigue or a loss of energy most days?
  7. Do you feel a sense of worthlessness or inappropriate guilt? 
  8. Is your concentration or decisiveness slowed?
  9. Do you find yourself thinking often of death or experiencing a wish to not be alive anymore?

If you have 5 or more symptoms, you may be experiencing a major depressive episode. For many, this is a hard truth to realize, but there’s no reason for you have to wrestle through this by yourself. And while no questionnaire or test is the same as a diagnosis, my hope for you is that you feel you have a starting point as you begin speaking with a therapist. 

But whether or not you came up with 5 depression symptoms, I’d invite you to ask yourself what this exercise brought up for you.

There’s no harm in asking a therapist for a free consultation to see if you might be a good candidate for a little extra help. All therapists at Here Counseling offer free consultations, and if we’re not the right therapist for you, we can help you find someone who is. 

Wherever you are, whatever your experience, take hold of the reins of your life once more, and watch the days get a little bit brighter. 

Am I Depressed? Worksheet

Want these questions in an easy to use free downloadable worksheet? This worksheet will help you take steps forward in dealing with anxiety. You’ll also get access to all our worksheets in Here Counseling’s Resource Library!

Download Free Worksheet
Gavin Cross
Gavin Cross

I help people make sense of their present to find hope for their future.

LEARN MORE ABOUT GAVIN
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Anxiety, COVID, Managing emotions, Neurology

Setting a Centering Affirmation: How 1 Minute in the Morning Can Set You up for Success All Day.

Written by Here Counseling

Stress is everywhere these days. 

  • You’re trying to stay afloat economically. 
  • You’re concerned for the safety of your loved ones. 
  • Some days just seem doomed from the start no matter the effort. 

This toll on your body and mind diminishes your sense of hope and peace, until you find yourself grasping to the idea that the best you can hope for is to find rest some day in the future, because it sure doesn’t seem reachable today.

What’s happening in your brain and body?

Thankfully, this is a pattern you can break. Our brains are wired to fall into the same paths each day. If those paths gravitate towards stressful or depressive thoughts, then those are the directions our minds want to keep taking. 

Imagine sledding in the snow. The first few times you take a path down a hill, it’s a little slow, a little difficult. But the more you take the same path, the snow gets worn down, solid, and lightning fast. This is what’s happening in your brain every time stress or depression try to have their way. This then has greater implications for your health.

  • Muscle tension.
  • Gastrointestinal issues.
  • Fatigue.
  • Insomnia.
  • Weight gain.
  • Extreme weight loss.

None of these things contribute to an experience of peace in your life. 

What can you do about it?

Stress and depression are usually accompanied by a small nagging voice that threatens your identity or safety. This lie about yourself can be identified with a negative “I am” statement. 

  • I’m unloved. 
  • I’m a failure. 
  • I’m not safe.

You get the point.

So FIRST I want you to take just a moment to quiet your mind, and ask your stress what negative message it’s trying to communicate to you today about yourself. 

NEXT, ask yourself what positive message you’d rather believe about yourself instead. What centering affirmation do you need to set to feel empowered for the rest of the day? These affirmations are meant to answer the negative message from above. Here are some examples.

  • I am loved.
  • I’m important. 
  • I do the best I can.

Choose the positive voice that speaks to that part of you that needs hope today. 

LASTLY, and this is key, remind yourself why this centering affirmation is true. When you say “I’m loved”, whose face comes to mind? When you say “I’m a success,” allow your mind to venture to the times you made something happen, instead of dwelling on the times you didn’t. When you tell yourself “I matter,” picture the reason you matter.

Why should you set a centering affirmation each morning?

These three steps: 1) asking what negative message stress or depression are trying to share, 2) asking what centering affirmation combats that negative message, and 3) reminding yourself why your centering affirmation is true, will take you about a minute once you get used to the practice. 

Returning to the sledding metaphor, your mind will continue to prefer its old paths for a while. As you practice this new preferred path, the path that leads to peace, what you’ll experience at first is a lot like dragging a sled down the stubborn fresh snow. The more days you choose the better path, the more solid it will become, the faster your brain will naturally make more positive connections. And before you know it, that old path won’t be so well-worn, and your brain will prefer to operate out of your centering affirmation.

Now that you’ve set your centering affirmation, you’ll want to come back to it occasionally throughout your day when the normal stresses of life show up, as they always do. Just a simple deep breath will do, inhale the centering affirmation, exhale the stress, and move on with your day. 

Taking the next step

Sometimes, you’ll find stress seems beyond what you can manage. Maybe you poured your heart out to a trusted companion and you still feel awful. Or maybe the negative thoughts seem too numerous to count. If you need to discuss therapy as a potential option for you, contact us for a free consultation to discuss your best options. We’re more than happy to help you get set up with the right person. I help with anxiety, healing from trauma, and connectedness in relationships. And together with my colleagues we can help you make sense of any number of other concerns. 

Be free to live again.

Now go and walk in your centering affirmation for the rest of the day. Let this be the voice that sets the background music of your life. And send a clear message to your stress and depression that they don’t get to call the shots anymore. 

Setting a Centering Affirmation Worksheet

Want these questions in an easy to use free downloadable worksheet? This worksheet will help you take steps forward in dealing with anxiety. You’ll also get access to all our worksheets in Here Counseling’s Resource Library!

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Gavin Cross, AMFT
Gavin Cross, AMFT

I help people make sense of their past to find hope for their future.

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Anxiety, EMDR, Managing emotions

EMDR Tapping at Home: How to Do Self-Administered EMDR Tapping for Stress Relief and Relationships

Written by Here Counseling

Feeling overwhelmed by your emotions or the people in your life? EMDR tapping is a simple technique you can do at home to calm your nervous system and feel more emotionally grounded. Whether it’s a parent with different views, a frustrating coworker, or a partner’s quirky habits, EMDR tapping can help you create new connections in your brain for greater emotional peace.

It’s easy to get stressed out by the people around us. That’s where EMDR tapping comes in—a simple technique you can do at home to reduce stress and manage negative emotions. EMDR tapping, also known as self-administered EMDR or tapping EMDR, can be done easily at home to manage triggers from relationships. Whether it’s a parent with different views, a frustrating coworker, or a partner’s quirky habits, EMDR tapping helps you create new connections in your brain for better emotional peace.

  • You have a parent with a different political or religious perspective than you.
  • Your coworker consistently finds ways to push your buttons.
  • Your partner can’t seem to understand how to squeeze the toothpaste correctly.

Whatever it is, you’re a living, breathing unique individual in a world full of living, breathing unique individuals, and all of that interaction is hard. That’s where EMDR tapping comes in: a way to create new connections in your brain to help you navigate emotions well.

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What is EMDR Tapping? Understanding Bilateral Stimulation and Tapping EMDR Techniques

The negative experiences in your past create a code in your brain, coaxing you to feel stressed, depressed, or angry in response to certain triggers. EMDR tapping is a therapeutic process that helps you re-access these memories to change the code, helping you discover the peace you long for. This is achieved through stimulating the left and right sides of the brain rhythmically, something you can do with simple actions like tapping your knees in an alternating pattern.

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) mimics REM sleep’s left-right eye movements through tapping, helping reprocess memories. Studies show it reduces PTSD symptoms effectively.

Memories are likely stored in the brain during left-right eye movements that occur while we sleep, and EMDR appears to mimic this process in order to heal the effects of negative memories, whether we are conscious of those memories or not.

Remember that situation that was stressing you out? You can practice the bilateral stimulation from EMDR at home to turn down the negative volume of this trigger in your life.

Benefits of EMDR Tapping at Home for Trauma and Relationships

EMDR tapping at home offers several advantages for managing everyday stress and deeper emotional issues:

  • Reduces anxiety quickly by reprocessing negative triggers.
  • Builds positive neural pathways for healthier responses to relationships.
  • Provides a self-empowering tool for mild trauma symptoms without needing immediate professional help.
  • Improves emotional regulation, helping you stay calm during conflicts.
  • Supports overall mental well-being, similar to how full EMDR therapy aids in trauma recovery.

How to Do EMDR Tapping at Home: Step-by-Step Guide for Self-Tapping

Step 1: Imagine your distress.

Who’s that person you want to get along with better? What’s the emotion you feel when you bring their face to mind? Try to really feel it. Make their face vivid in your mind until the pain becomes present. Now take a distress measurement, where 0 is no distress and 10 is the most distress you can possibly imagine. Write this down.

Step 2: Find your mental safe place.

Close your eyes and wander. Perhaps you’re walking along the ocean. Maybe you’ve found a hidden temple in the forest. As we distract your fight, flight, or freeze response with this safe place, choose a positive intention that combats the negative emotion in the previous step. Perhaps it’s “I’m worth it,” “I’m a hard worker,” or “I am loved.”

Step 3: Tap your knees.

Begin tapping your knees, alternating between left and right. Keep this slow, about 1 tap per second, keeping in mind both your safe place and your positive intention. Stay in this moment, relaxing if you can, for the next 5 minutes. Now take a deep breath, take another distress score from 0-10, and stand in power knowing you’ve taken a small step towards bettering the relationships in your life.

For EMDR self tapping, try the butterfly hug if knee tapping feels awkward—cross your arms and alternate taps on your shoulders.

Person demonstrating EMDR tapping points on knees

EMDR Tapping Points: Where and How to Tap for Effective Results

EMDR tapping points focus on bilateral alternation rather than specific meridians, unlike EFT. Common EMDR bilateral spots include knees or thighs for easy access, the butterfly hug (crossing arms and tapping shoulders), or hand taps on alternating sides. Tap at 1 per second for calming or faster for processing. Unlike EFT, which taps on acupoints like the forehead or under the eye, EMDR tapping points are chosen for their ability to create rhythmic stimulation across the body’s sides.

[Image: Illustration of EMDR tapping points including butterfly hug with alt text “Step-by-step guide to EMDR tapping points at home”]

Quick Guide to EMDR Tapping at Home:

  • Tap your knees alternately for 5 minutes while focusing on your safe place and intention, then re-rate your distress.
  • Identify a stressful situation or person and rate your distress (0-10).
  • Visualize a safe, calming place and choose a positive intention (e.g., “I am loved”).

EMDR Therapy vs. At-Home Tapping: When to Seek Professional Help

Perhaps you wonder if you should take the next step into therapy. Are you stuck in the same thought patterns and nothing seems to help? Maybe you’ve spoken with a friend and don’t feel much better. Maybe you took a day to pamper yourself but find you’re still depressed. Or maybe you feel engulfed by the same relational patterns that seem to get you nowhere.

While EMDR tapping at home is great for mild stress, full EMDR therapy with a professional is recommended for deep trauma. It could be time to look into EMDR therapy. I help people make sense of their past to find hope for their future. Click on my information below for more information. For more on certified EMDR practices, visit emdria.org.

EMDR Therapy makes a difference where it matters most

You long for peace in your relationships. You hope to be less fazed when your parent doesn’t understand. You want to focus on yourself and your efficiency when your coworker says something ridiculous. Remember these three steps. Take them with you on your bathroom break. Use them in bed to help you sleep after a difficult argument. See how empowering changing the code of your brain can be.

When NOT to Use EMDR Tapping Alone 

While self-administered EMDR tapping can be helpful, there are times when it’s best avoided without the support of a professional:

  • You’re dealing with intense trauma or PTSD
  • You experience flashbacks or panic attacks
  • You feel emotionally “numb” or dissociated
  • Your emotional response becomes too intense to handle

In these cases, self-administered tapping could stir up unresolved pain without a way to fully process it. This is when the support of a licensed EMDR therapist is essential.

Recover from past trauma through EMDR Therapy

In therapy we partner together to help you achieve your goals. We start by identifying the core issue you’d like to work on. Then we approach the issue using EMDR techniques, helping to resolve the traumatic experience. I’m confident that the issue you’re facing can be overcome. Take the first step by clicking below and learning more about our therapists who practice EMDR:

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FAQ: Common Questions About EMDR Tapping

What is EMDR tapping?

EMDR tapping is a technique using bilateral stimulation to reprocess negative memories and reduce stress, mimicking REM sleep processes.

How to do EMDR tapping points?

Focus on alternating taps on knees, shoulders (via butterfly hug), or hands. Tap rhythmically at about 1 per second while holding a safe place in mind.

Can I do EMDR at home safely?

Yes, for mild issues like daily stress, but for severe trauma, consult a professional to avoid re-traumatization.

What’s the difference between tapping EMDR and EFT?

EFT involves tapping on specific meridian acupoints with affirmations, while EMDR uses bilateral taps to stimulate brain sides for memory reprocessing.

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