In today’s culture, “boundaries” has become a go-to phrase for navigating relationships, often hailed as the ultimate self-care tool. But what if this popular take is missing the mark, turning boundaries into toxic barriers rather than bridges?

In this post, we’ll dive into how social media and pop psychology frame boundaries, explore the toxic pitfalls of this view with real examples, and propose a healthier approach rooted in self-awareness and differentiation. Drawing from psychoanalytic insights, we’ll uncover how true boundaries foster connection without defense, leading to less conflict and more authentic relating. Healing begins with rethinking what we’ve been taught—and it can transform your partnerships in Pasadena and beyond.

“Set them or suffer”

How Boundaries Evolved into Toxic Defensiveness

In our fast-paced, self-help-saturated world, “boundaries” dominates conversations on mental health and relationships. Social media amplifies this with empowering memes, threads, and reels urging people to “set boundaries or be walked over.” The tone is often triumphant and no-nonsense, positioning boundaries as a shield against toxicity. For instance, viral posts declare, “Boundaries are for you. ‘I feel uncomfortable when you continue to do ‘x’ action for ‘y’ reason.’ It’s about telling people what your own limits are,” emphasizing self-protection in a world of demands.

Yet, this narrative frequently veers into accusatory territory. Quotes from popular X threads highlight the shift: “Abusers learned the word ‘boundary’ and started making *rules*, trying to justify their abusive behaviour. Boundaries are to protect *yourself*… They’re not about dictating the behaviour of others.” Another user notes, “‘Boundaries’ are things like ‘sometimes when we have hard conversations, I might ask for 5 minutes alone’… They aren’t ‘don’t post bathing suit pictures or hang out with people I don’t pre-approve.’” High-profile examples, like Jonah Hill’s texts, fuel debates where “boundaries” justify control, with critics calling it “weaponizing therapy language.”

The cultural vibe? Boundaries as bold declarations against “energy vampires” or “narcissists,” often in black-and-white terms: “Set them or suffer.” This resonates in LA’s wellness scene, where therapy-speak goes viral, but it risks oversimplifying complex dynamics, turning nuance into ultimatums.

What’s behind this whole boundary thing?

Boundary Obsession Comes From Social Anxiety

The overuse of “boundaries” in modern discourse isn’t just a trend—it’s a symptom of deeper social anxiety, where relationships feel increasingly fragile and pressured. Psychological theories, including attachment theory and social psychology, explain how social anxiety amplifies insecure attachments, leading to people-pleasing and eventual defensive projections. In environments of loneliness—exacerbated by digital interactions and urban lifestyles like in Los Angeles—individuals crave connection but fear its loss, setting the stage for rigid boundary-setting as a last resort.

Here’s a step-by-step progression of how this toxic “boundary” behavior unfolds:

1. Unseen Pressure to avoid Social Isolation: In socially isolated settings, we’re often unaware of the intense drive to connect and how precarious bonds feel. This unspoken pressure pushes us toward over-accommodation to secure ties.
2. People-Pleasing as Primitive Attachment Compulsion: Defaulting to yes-saying stems from insecure attachment, where fear of abandonment triggers fawning behaviors. Anxious attachment drives us to avoid conflict to maintain closeness.
3. Insecure Attachment Paints a Corner: Over time, this creates a trap. We sense relationships hinge on avoiding conflict and rejecting our own thoughts, building resentment and fusion. Family therapist Murray Bowen described emotional fusion as, “The greater degree of fusion in a relationship, the more heightened is the pull to preserve emotional stability by preserving the status quo,” which in this case is the suppression of one’s subjectivity to avoid social isolation.
4. Needs are Suppressed: Small assertions like “I disagree”, “I have a different perspective”, or “what if instead, we…?” get stifled out of fear of conflict and distance.
5. Projection Takes Hold: We then project our fear outward, thinking it’s others who are unreasonably requiring us to bend. Our own compulsion to people-please is projected onto a partner or friend. We think the pressure to people-please is coming from outside rather than from our own insecurity.
6. Crude Boundaries as “Big Guns”: Finally, we assert harsh limits against the “narcissist,” prioritizing distance to “protect peace.” Psychotherapist Lori Gottlieb critiques this misuse: “I think people are using these terms because they think they’re supposed to, but they don’t even know what they mean.” Casual therapy-speak like boundaries enables toxicity rather than healing.

To summarize this progression:

Step	Description
1. Social Isolation	Social isolation makes us scared of rejection.
2. People-Pleasing	We suppress our own thoughts and needs out of fear of rejection.
3. Painted Corner	We create relationships in which the other person comes to see us as flexible, eager to please.
4. Suppression	We suppress our normal disagreements to avoid conflict.
5. Projection	We think the other person is requiring us to be flexible.
6. Crude Boundaries	We react out of panic by asserting defensive boundaries against the other person.

Practical Pitfalls: How Toxic Boundaries Break Down in Relationships

While the intent behind popular boundary-setting is positive, it often backfires in real life, especially in couples. One common pitfall is using boundaries reactively after people-pleasing builds resentment. You might bend over backward to accommodate your partner, only to feel “taken over”. Then you may enforce a rigid limit like “No more last-minute plans—ever.” This projects the issue outward (“You’re not respecting me”) and ignores the larger insecurity around people-pleasing fears.

3 Toxic Boundary Pitfalls:

• Confusing Boundaries with Rules: When misused, boundaries dictate others’ behavior, like demanding a partner stop certain hobbies. This leads to control rather than collaboration.
• Evading Accountability: Viral advice encourages quick cut-offs without explanation. For example, “therapy culture has added fuel… with ‘set your boundaries’ conflated with cutting people off quickly, harshly.” This avoids the normal back-and-forth of healthy relating.
• Amplifying Defensiveness: In couples, it pathologizes normal conflicts—labeling a disagreement as “boundary violation” shuts down dialogue, eroding trust. For high-achievers in Pasadena, this can spill into work stress, where unaddressed resentment heightens burnout.

These pitfalls create cycles of misunderstanding, where boundaries become primitive defenses against feeling vulnerable, rather than tools for growth.

Healthy Self-Awareness Boundaries

True boundaries emerge from self-awareness, holding onto your subjectivity without suppressing it to “save” the relationship through people-pleasing. Rooted in psychoanalytic ideas, this view sees boundaries as differentiation. This is the ability to maintain your sense of self amid others’ needs. As family therapist Murray Bowen described, “Differentiation is not an event but a skill that requires practice,” allowing emotional interdependence without fusion or cutoff.

In relationships, this means responding non-defensively. For example, “I hear you want this, and here’s my perspective,” or negotiating mutually. Or, “I don’t want that, but can we find a solution that helps us both?”

3 Benefits of Embracing Boundaries as Self-Awareness

Shifting to this view unlocks deeper connection and ease. Here are three key benefits:

1. Reduced Conflict and Resentment: By asserting needs early and collaboratively, you avoid buildup, leading to smoother interactions. As Bowen noted, higher differentiation means less emotional reactivity in partnerships.
2. Enhanced Emotional Flexibility: You gain tools to navigate differences without defense, fostering joy and playfulness. Ogden’s growth monitoring promotes this, turning vulnerability into strength for balanced living.
3. Increased Productivity and Well-Being: For perfectionists, releasing people-pleasing frees energy for meaningful work. Winnicott’s unlived life concept reminds us: addressing fears head-on reclaims vitality, helping high-achievers thrive in Pasadena.

If You’re the People-Pleaser:

Practical Ways to Practice Healthy Boundaries

Building healthy boundaries means encountering conflict with curiosity and self-awareness, turning potential clashes into opportunities for connection. Below are 7 examples of non-defensive communication with a partner or close friend, each followed by why it’s healthy:

1. “I notice we’re disagreeing on how to spend the evening—I’m tired and craving quiet time, but I value our time together. What are you needing?”
   How this is healthy: Naming the conflict and your feelings invites openness without blame, fostering mutual understanding and reducing defensiveness by focusing on shared desires for the relationship.
2. “You seem passionate about this idea, and I respect that. My perspective is different because it reminds me of some painful experiences—can we explore why it matters to each of us?”
   How this is healthy: Acknowledging the other’s viewpoint while sharing your conflicting belief validates both sides, promoting empathy and preventing escalation into rigid positions.
3. “I hear you want to invite more people over, and that makes sense for you. I’d prefer a smaller gathering to recharge—maybe we can find a way we can both feel good about this weekend?”
   How this is healthy: Expressing desires while looking for common ground encourages collaboration, turning potential opposition into a joint problem-solving effort that strengthens the bond.
4. “This conversation is getting intense—I’m feeling overwhelmed right now. Can we turn down the emotional volume a bit so I can hear you?.”
   How this is healthy: Using humor to diffuse tension names the current emotional state lightly, creating space for reset and reminding both parties of shared humanity without avoidance.
5. “You believe we should splurge on this trip, and I get that. I’m worried about the budget though—let’s list out pros and cons together to find what works for us both.”
   How this is healthy: Naming conflicting beliefs and proposing a structured way to find common ground keeps the focus on partnership, reducing power struggles and enhancing decision-making skills.
6. “Ugh, that felt off to me, and I’m feeling the need to smooth it over by agreeing with you, even though I have some complex thoughts about it. What happened for you?”
   How this is healthy: Directly naming the conflict and expressing desires for the relationship opens dialogue with vulnerability, encouraging the other to share and deepening emotional intimacy.

If You’re the Partner to the People Pleaser:

How to Invite Your Friend or Partner to Engage in Healthy Conflict

Inviting others to move beyond people-pleasing involves gentle encouragement. Below are 7 examples of ways to communicate this invitation to a partner or close friend, each followed by why it’s effective:

1. “I notice you often go along with my ideas, and I appreciate that, but I’m curious—what do you really think about this? Your honest opinion matters to me.”
   How this is effective: Gently naming the pattern without judgment invites self-expression, reducing fear of conflict and encouraging the other to claim their subjectivity for deeper connection.
2. “It seems like you’re agreeing to keep things smooth, but I sense some hesitation. Let’s talk about what’s really on your mind—I’m here to hear it without getting defensive.”
   How this is effective: Acknowledging potential people-pleasing validates their feelings while modeling non-defensiveness, fostering a safe space for honest disagreement and mutual vulnerability.
3. “I value how supportive you are, but if something doesn’t feel right for you, I’d love for you to share that. How can we make decisions that work for both of us?”
   How this is effective: Expressing appreciation while prompting assertion shifts focus to collaboration, helping break the cycle of suppression and promoting balanced, resilient relating.
4. “Hey, I get the urge to just say yes to avoid tension—I’ve done it too. But what if we tried disagreeing lightly? What’s your take on this plan?”
   How this is effective: Using shared humanity and humor normalizes the habit, inviting playful engagement in conflict to build emotional flexibility without overwhelming pressure.
5. “You seem to prioritize my preferences a lot, which is sweet, but I wonder if that’s leaving out what you need. Tell me more about your side—I’d feel better if we could find a middle ground, I want you to be happy with this too.”
   How this is effective: Highlighting the imbalance empathetically encourages ownership of needs, guiding toward negotiation that strengthens partnership and reduces resentment buildup.
6. “I’ve noticed patterns where we avoid clashing, but I think sharing differing views could bring us closer. What’s one thing you’d change about our routine?”
   How this is effective: Framing conflict as connective invites exploration of perspectives, promoting differentiation and turning avoidance into an opportunity for intimacy and growth.
7. “It would make me feel good to know both of us are ok with this decision rather than to just get my way.”
   How this is effective: Directly addressing suppression with reassurance affirms the relationship’s strength, empowering the other to engage authentically and enhancing overall well-being.

Step-by-Step: Practicing Healthy Boundaries in Daily Life

To cultivate this approach, start small:

1. Reflect on Your Patterns: Journal moments of resentment—ask, “How might I have been afraid of rejection? And how did that change how I was being in the conversation?”
2. Express Subjectivity: In conversations, use “I” statements like “I feel overwhelmed and need rest—how can we adjust?”
3. Negotiate Mutually: Invite input: “You want this, I prefer that—let’s find common ground.” Practice builds differentiation.

This turns boundaries into relational strengths.

Embracing True Boundaries: Therapy Can Guide the Way

Redefining boundaries as self-awareness transforms relationships from battlegrounds to spaces of growth. At Here Counseling in Pasadena, we use somatic and psychoanalytic tools to build this differentiation, reducing resentment for more energized living.

To your perfectionistic self: You’ll connect deeper and achieve more without the weight of unspoken needs. Ready to redefine boundaries? Contact Here Counseling today—authentic relating awaits.

FAQ: Rethinking Boundaries in Relationships

What does the popular view of boundaries get wrong?

It often turns boundaries into rules controlling others, leading to defensiveness and shutdowns, rather than fostering mutual respect.

How is differentiation different from setting boundaries?

Differentiation maintains self amid others’ needs, as Murray Bowen described as a practiced skill for emotional autonomy without isolation.

How do I know if I’m people-pleasing?

Signs include resentment buildup, difficulty saying no early, and projecting issues onto others as “boundary violations.”

Does therapy help with healthy boundaries?

Absolutely—psychoanalytic approaches uncover roots, building self-awareness for non-defensive relating and lasting change.