Author Archives: John Allan Whitacre

It wasn’t like this before, but now you feel like you are fighting with your partner more than not. At this point you feel like your partner isn’t even listening anymore. You might even feel hopeless in your attempts to connect healthily with your partner. Maybe you have thought “if they just realized what they were doing wrong, we could be so much better” or “if they just got off my back about this one thing, I wouldn’t be ignoring them so much.”

You wish for the space to talk about your feelings together, but every time you face each other you are thrusted into a painful conversation that falls flat or goes nowhere. Partners fighting is a common occurrence for couples, and there are ways that couples can argue productively.

In this blog, we’ll discuss the ways partners end up in a fight, and how you can break the pattern by naming emotions and communicating.

To understand the argument, look inward first

If you and your partner are fighting, it helps to understand what is going on individually first. In a relationship, it can be easy to forget that our partners are also going through feelings of their own. When we pay attention to our own emotions, we will be able to pay attention to our partners emotions too. When we neglect our own feelings, it can be a lot easier to blame our partners and misinterpret their communication with us. An example would be “He just doesn’t care about me” or “She’s always thinking about herself.” When partners fight, they typically get to a point of needing to declare their belief over the other person, and typically stop listening to one another. Throughout the day, a part of you creates a story about the pain you’re experiencing in your partnership. In the restoration therapy model, we call this part our pain cycle. It impacts everything about how we gear up for an argument. Think about how your day has gone so far, 

• Was there anything that set you off? 
• Has one person or insult taken you over the edge? 
• Did your partner say something that pushed your buttons? 
• Did you feel like you were rigged to blow after someone cut you off on the freeway? 

Why our individual feelings impact us when we fight with our partner

All or none of these things could have happened today, but what we know about our brains is that these little moments can trigger feelings we have felt since childhood. These feelings can change how we interact with the world around us, causing us to react in painful ways. Reactions can be difficult to stop because we have developed a pattern of behaving in a certain way to difficult emotions. If you and your partner are fighting, both of you could be talking to each other from these difficult patterns.

Why do partners fight?

The problem grows when we understand that in relationships, two people could react in painful ways simultaneously. In a relationship, two people can have the same conversation but have entirely different feelings and reactions. One partner may react towards their partner by blaming them or shaming themselves, another partner might react by controlling their partner or escaping/withdrawing.

This is why it can feel like one day a conversation with our partner is peaceful and productive and another day it can feel like talking to a different person. One partner may withdraw, which makes the other person feel unloved, and start to blame the other partner, which causes the other partner to feel unheard, and withdraw even further… Does this sound familiar? 

What unique fighting cycle are you and your partner in right now? 

How controlling affects your pain cycle in a fight

If your partner is controlling you, it can make you feel trapped and helpless. It can also make one feel that they are not worthy to make decisions independently. If you are the controlling partner, it can feel like getting your partner to do something is like pulling teeth. Both the partner being controlled and the partner who feels out of control can feel helpless to their situation. 

How withdrawing affects your pain cycle in a fight

When your partner withdraws it can feel like they don’t care about you or what you are going through. It can make the receiver of the withdrawal feel like they are unloved or unworthy of ones attention and time. If you are the person withdrawing it can feel like the only way to get away from any painful feelings. You may want to numb those difficult feelings by scrolling on your phone, and going back to interact again can feel impossible. People who withdraw are capable of withdrawing physically and emotionally. 

How to break free from the cycle of fighting with your partner

Conflict is necessary for two people in a relationship, but fighting can cause further harm and disconnect between two partners. It can be so difficult to not feel stuck in the interactional cycles with our partner we have used our entire lives. Hope can be found when we recognize that each partner is worthy to meet their attachment needs. Partners can ultimately find love and trustworthiness when each partner has space to name their emotions in the moment, and then choose to respond rather than react. Your connection to your partner is important to me, and I can help you get to the place where you are naming your feelings and choosing to respond healthily. Reach out for a consultation today.