Author Archives: John Allan Whitacre

Effective communication is vital for couples to feel connected and understood. Yet, many partners struggle with this, especially when life gets busy or the relationship feels stuck in a rut. This article shares essential communication skills, practical steps, and common pitfalls to help you and your partner communicate better. By fostering curiosity and using these strategies, you can strengthen your bond and create a deeper, more meaningful connection.

Why Communication Skills Matter in Relationships

Communication skills is one of the main issues that prevent partners from feeling an overall connection to one another. Many couples want to communicate better but find it difficult when they are managing busy lives or not having time to ask each other the questions they used to while dating. When you are feeling disconnected from your partner, it can be really difficult to maintain a level of curiosity about their lives.

How the two of you are interacting in a relationship can feel like an endless pattern that makes you feel trapped. We know that this can’t be the only way to relate, but partners often feel helpless about where to begin when they have gone months or even years feeling disconnected. 

Top Communication Skills for Couples

To build a strong foundation, couples need to master a few key communication skills. These skills help you understand each other better and navigate challenges with empathy and respect. Here are five essential skills every couple should practice:

1. Active Listening: Listen without interrupting. Show you’re engaged by nodding or restating what your partner says (e.g., “It sounds like you’re feeling overwhelmed”).
2. Expressing Emotions Clearly: Use “I” statements to share your feelings (e.g., “I feel stressed”) instead of blaming (e.g., “You always ignore me”).
3. Asking Curious Questions: Spark deeper conversations with open-ended questions like “What are you feeling right now?” or “What’s something you’ve always wanted to try?”
4. Reading Nonverbal Cues: Pay attention to body language, tone, and facial expressions to understand unspoken emotions.
5. Making Time to Connect: Set aside intentional time each week—like a walk or coffee date—to talk without distractions.

Yet today we’re going to explore one larger communication skill for couples that underlies these 5 communication skills: curiosity. The saying goes, “curiosity killed the cat” but today we will explore how simple curiosity can be the fuel for connection in your marriage.

After reading an article from the New York Times titled: The Midlife Marriage Tuneup I felt inspired to write about three questions that can help you communicate better with your partner. My hope is that this can be especially helpful  if it has been hard for you or your partner  to be curious about each other. 

How can curiosity help you communicate better with your partner? 

When life feels really difficult and stressful, it can be hard to slow down and hear about your partner in a deeper way. Curious questions can spark deep conversations that can lead to a deeper connection and appreciation for your partner. This curiosity helps each partner communicate better by allowing each person to feel heard and seen.

I would highly recommend carving out an intentional space in your week to discuss these questions with your partner. Ask your partner if they would like to get coffee, or dinner, or go on a walk. This space can offer each of you the opportunity to find connection in an intimate way, without the demands of life knocking at your door. 

3 Questions to Build Curiosity and Foster Communication Skills

1. What is your “current location?”: Communicate better by asking how your partner feels in the moment

First off, no this does not mean asking your partner to share their location on their phone. I know this sounds confusing already and you may even be asking yourself how this question makes sense in a relationship. However, just like it is important to know someone’s address when you are traveling to their house, it is essential to know what your partner is feeling when you go into a conversation with them. 

 My mentors in couples therapy, Nick and Renee Fouts, developed this question to help couples locate each other’s emotions like they are looking at each other with a map. The idea being that once you know where each partner is located, you are better able to meet them where they are at. This sort of curious questioning leads to a deeper understanding of what our partner is going through, and can help us know what our partner may need in the moment. If this question doesn’t land, it might be easier to ask “what are you feeling in this moment?” or “what are the good and bad parts of your day that you would like to share?” 

2. What’s one thing you’ve always wanted to try but haven’t, and why?

It can be very difficult to talk about dreams with your partner when you are feeling surrounded by the demands of life. Once the honeymoon phase fades, talking about dreams can feel daunting or even wasteful, as the demands of life increase. 

Sharing each other’s dreams can be a great way for couples to see where they may align in shared interests or goals. This sort of connection can lead to a renewed sense of optimism, and it also allows space for couples to see where they are different as well. You can even take time to ask how each of you can support one another better in their goals. 

3. What are your needs right now? 

Finding alignment in how your partnership can improve is always difficult. It is very difficult to strike a balance between being emotionally honest and pushing a partner away. If both of you feel like you are giving each other the opportunity to share however, this question can lead to a lot of understanding between how each partner shows up in the relationship. It can also help both of you see the difference between the needs a partner has control over and a need that a partner does not have control over. 

Take this need for example: “I just need my work to be less stressful.” As a partner, you have very little control over whether work is more or less stressful, but now you have a look into what struggles they are thinking about on a daily basis, and it can help lead to further connection when you seem them stressed or feel like they are being distant. 

An example of a need a partner could say that another partner might have control over is “I just need more support around the home.” This need can be expressed in a variety of ways. It is important to remember that as the partner who is hearing this it is typically coming from the other person being overwhelmed by the demands of life. You do have control over this scenario, but their feelings are informing their need. Use this space as an opportunity to hear more about their feelings, do not try to quickly defend yourself or come up with quick solutions. 

Common Communication Mistakes Couples Make (and How to Fix Them)

Even with the best intentions, couples often fall into communication traps that create distance. Here are five common mistakes and how to avoid them:

• Mistake: Interrupting during conversations.
  Solution: Wait for your partner to finish, showing respect for their thoughts.
• Mistake: Assuming their feelings or thoughts.
  Solution: Ask questions like “What’s your current location?” to confirm where they’re at emotionally.
• Mistake: Avoiding tough topics.
  Solution: Address issues directly but gently, using curiosity to guide the talk.
• Mistake: Trying to “win” disagreements.
  Solution: Focus on understanding each other, not proving a point.
• Mistake: Ignoring nonverbal signals.
  Solution: Watch for tone or body language to catch unspoken emotions.

By recognizing and addressing these mistakes, you can prevent misunderstandings and keep your communication healthy.

FAQ: Communication Skills for Couples

Here are quick answers to common questions about improving communication in relationships:

• How can couples improve their communication?
  Couples can improve by asking curious questions, listening actively, and setting aside distraction-free time to talk, like during a walk or coffee date.
• What are effective communication skills for couples?
  Effective skills include using “I” statements, asking questions like “What are your needs right now?”, and paying attention to nonverbal cues.
• Why does curiosity matter in couple communication?
  Curiosity helps partners understand each other deeply, fostering connection by encouraging honest, judgment-free conversations.

Ask with curiosity for deeper connection: Communicate better today.

Remember to ask these questions with genuine curiosity and an open mind, creating a safe and non-judgmental space for your partner to share their thoughts and feelings. Through these conversations, couples can strengthen their bond and cultivate a deeper level of intimacy. By actively listening to each other’s responses, couples can deepen their understanding and empathy, leading to a stronger and more connected relationship. I believe that each couple is capable of deeper curiosity about their partner, schedule a consultation call with me today if you would like to uncover what deeper connection can look like in couples therapy. 

It wasn’t like this before, but now you feel like you are fighting with your partner more than not. At this point you feel like your partner isn’t even listening anymore. You might even feel hopeless in your attempts to connect healthily with your partner. Maybe you have thought “if they just realized what they were doing wrong, we could be so much better” or “if they just got off my back about this one thing, I wouldn’t be ignoring them so much.”

You wish for the space to talk about your feelings together, but every time you face each other you are thrusted into a painful conversation that falls flat or goes nowhere. Partners fighting is a common occurrence for couples, and there are ways that couples can argue productively.

In this blog, we’ll discuss the ways partners end up in a fight, and how you can break the pattern by naming emotions and communicating.

To understand the argument, look inward first

If you and your partner are fighting, it helps to understand what is going on individually first. In a relationship, it can be easy to forget that our partners are also going through feelings of their own. When we pay attention to our own emotions, we will be able to pay attention to our partners emotions too. When we neglect our own feelings, it can be a lot easier to blame our partners and misinterpret their communication with us. An example would be “He just doesn’t care about me” or “She’s always thinking about herself.” When partners fight, they typically get to a point of needing to declare their belief over the other person, and typically stop listening to one another. Throughout the day, a part of you creates a story about the pain you’re experiencing in your partnership. In the restoration therapy model, we call this part our pain cycle. It impacts everything about how we gear up for an argument. Think about how your day has gone so far, 

• Was there anything that set you off? 
• Has one person or insult taken you over the edge? 
• Did your partner say something that pushed your buttons? 
• Did you feel like you were rigged to blow after someone cut you off on the freeway? 

Why our individual feelings impact us when we fight with our partner

All or none of these things could have happened today, but what we know about our brains is that these little moments can trigger feelings we have felt since childhood. These feelings can change how we interact with the world around us, causing us to react in painful ways. Reactions can be difficult to stop because we have developed a pattern of behaving in a certain way to difficult emotions. If you and your partner are fighting, both of you could be talking to each other from these difficult patterns.

Why do partners fight?

The problem grows when we understand that in relationships, two people could react in painful ways simultaneously. In a relationship, two people can have the same conversation but have entirely different feelings and reactions. One partner may react towards their partner by blaming them or shaming themselves, another partner might react by controlling their partner or escaping/withdrawing.

This is why it can feel like one day a conversation with our partner is peaceful and productive and another day it can feel like talking to a different person. One partner may withdraw, which makes the other person feel unloved, and start to blame the other partner, which causes the other partner to feel unheard, and withdraw even further… Does this sound familiar? 

What unique fighting cycle are you and your partner in right now? 

How controlling affects your pain cycle in a fight

If your partner is controlling you, it can make you feel trapped and helpless. It can also make one feel that they are not worthy to make decisions independently. If you are the controlling partner, it can feel like getting your partner to do something is like pulling teeth. Both the partner being controlled and the partner who feels out of control can feel helpless to their situation. 

How withdrawing affects your pain cycle in a fight

When your partner withdraws it can feel like they don’t care about you or what you are going through. It can make the receiver of the withdrawal feel like they are unloved or unworthy of ones attention and time. If you are the person withdrawing it can feel like the only way to get away from any painful feelings. You may want to numb those difficult feelings by scrolling on your phone, and going back to interact again can feel impossible. People who withdraw are capable of withdrawing physically and emotionally. 

How to break free from the cycle of fighting with your partner

Conflict is necessary for two people in a relationship, but fighting can cause further harm and disconnect between two partners. It can be so difficult to not feel stuck in the interactional cycles with our partner we have used our entire lives. Hope can be found when we recognize that each partner is worthy to meet their attachment needs. Partners can ultimately find love and trustworthiness when each partner has space to name their emotions in the moment, and then choose to respond rather than react. Your connection to your partner is important to me, and I can help you get to the place where you are naming your feelings and choosing to respond healthily. Reach out for a consultation today.