herecounseling, Author at Here Counseling

7 Back-to-School Issues Teens Face, and How to Help

The backpacks are packed, schedules are set, but as your teen heads off to school, you notice the shift: sullen moods, short tempers, or withdrawn silence after a long day. The transition from summer freedom to structured routines hits hard, stirring up anxiety, irritability, and more. You’re seeing these signs and wondering what’s normal versus when to worry. Many parents report similar struggles as adolescents navigate this pivotal time.

We’ll explore 7 common emotional symptoms teens experience returning to school, using real parent examples and quotes from online forums. For each, we’ll describe the typical problem, then dive into what’s happening in this unique developmental stage, using adolescent neurological and social research. We’ll also discuss what your teen might need, given the emotional issue they’re facing. At the end, guidelines on when to seek therapy. Understanding these can lead to less tension at home and more supported teens.

1. Anxiety and Overwhelm in Teens Returning to School

The Typical Problem: Heightened Worry and Physical Distress

Parents often describe teens overwhelmed by the return to academics, social pressures, and routines, leading to physical symptoms like stomachaches, headaches, or avoidance behaviors. One Reddit parent shared: “My 14-year-old started having panic attacks the week before school—crying about ‘failing classes’ and ‘losing friends,’ even vomiting from nerves on the first day. It’s like summer erased her confidence.” Online posts expand on this, with examples of teens “freaking out over class schedules” or “begging to stay home because ‘everything feels too much.'” These worries can manifest in constant “what if” questions at home, disrupted sleep, or reluctance to discuss school, leaving parents feeling helpless as the anxiety spills into family dynamics.

What’s Happening Internally: Brain Remodeling Under Stress

During adolescence, the brain undergoes massive remodeling, making teens more sensitive to stress—Daniel Siegel calls this the “upstairs brain” (rational thinking) clashing with the “downstairs brain” (emotions), creating overwhelm like a “flipped lid” where logic shuts down: “When kids feel overwhelmed, their emotional brain takes over—it’s like a storm they can’t control yet.” Developmentally, hormonal changes amplify fears of failure or rejection, turning school into a high-stakes arena where overwhelm feels survival-level, often exacerbated by social media comparisons.

What Your Teen Needs to Recover: Safety and Co-Regulation

To recover, teens need a sense of safety through consistent routines and parental co-regulation. Labeling feelings like “I see you’re worried about fitting in” helps integrate brain functions. Developmentally, they crave validation of their emotions without dismissal, plus tools like journaling worries or short mindfulness breaks to rebuild resilience and reduce anxiety’s grip.

2. Irritability and Anger Outbursts in Back-to-School Teens

The Typical Problem: Sudden Snaps and Emotional Volatility

Teens may snap over small things post-school, like homework or chores, as exhaustion fuels outbursts that strain family interactions. A parent on Reddit described in depth: “My 15-year-old comes home raging about ‘stupid teachers’ or siblings touching their stuff—it’s like a switch flips after school, turning minor annoyances into full-blown tantrums that last hours.” X examples include “daily meltdowns over nothing,” with parents noting increased defiance from pent-up frustration, such as slamming doors or refusing dinner, leaving everyone walking on eggshells.

What’s Happening Internally: Heightened Reactivity from Brain Changes

Siegel highlights adolescent “emotional intensity” from brain pruning, where the limbic system amps up reactivity: “Teens feel emotions more strongly, leading to outbursts as the brain learns regulation.” In development, puberty’s emotional volatility combines with school stressors like peer dynamics, making anger a release valve for unprocessed overwhelm or unmet needs.

What Your Teen Needs to Recover: Empathy and Decompression Space

Recovery involves empathy and space—Siegel’s “connect and redirect” means first attuning (“I see school’s tough today”) before guiding behavior. This means your teenager needs to first see that you are feeling what they’re feeling from their perspective, before you suggest changes. We recommend “time-ins” for joint calming, like deep breathing together. Developmentally, teens need outlets like exercise or hobbies to process volatility, plus emotional flexibility that affirms “Your feelings are valid, how can choose how to best express them?”

3. Depression and Low Mood in Adolescents Starting School

The Typical Problem: Withdrawal and Persistent Sadness

Parents report teens seeming “down” or unmotivated, withdrawing from activities or family, which can mimic laziness but signals deeper distress. One Reddit thread shared a vivid story: “My daughter was excited for school but now she’s just sad all the time, sleeping through weekends, skipping meals, and saying ‘nothing matters’—it’s like the spark’s gone.” Social media posts mention “post-summer blues” worsening into “not wanting to do anything,” with examples of lost interest in hobbies or friends, worrying parents about long-term impacts.

What’s Happening Internally: Disrupted Reward and Connection Systems

Siegel describes teen depression as disrupted integration: “When the brain’s reward systems remodel, low mood can emerge from feeling disconnected.” Sadness is about unmet needs for connection and understanding. Developmentally, identity formation amid peer comparisons and academic demands can trigger hopelessness, especially if school feels like constant evaluation without support.

What Your Teen Needs to Recover: Purpose-Building

To recover, teens need belonging. Get your child outside engaged with other kids and adults who know them. They might benefit from an activity that requires their help to accomplish a shared goal, like cooking a family meal, being part of a team sport or musical, or engaging in a collaborative hobby with friends.

4. School Avoidance or Refusal in Back-to-School Teens

The Typical Problem: Resistance and Morning Battles

Some teens resist attending, faking illness or outright refusing, turning mornings into power struggles. A parent on Reddit detailed, “My son refuses school every morning—says it’s too much, hides under covers, and we’ve had tears and arguments daily since day one.” Social media examples include “teens begging to stay home” due to “bullying or overload,” with parents struggling to motivate without force, fearing truancy or emotional harm.

What’s Happening Internally: Fear Overriding Rationality

Siegel explains avoidance as “downstairs brain” dominance: “Fear overrides logic, making school feel like danger.” In adolescent development, autonomy clashes with structure, amplifying resistance when emotional regulation lags behind cognitive growth.

What Your Teen Needs to Recover: Gradual Exposure and Support

Recovery requires gradual exposure—Siegel’s “window of tolerance” expands by starting small, like partial days with check-ins. Developmentally, teens need autonomy in solutions, like counseling or schedule adjustments, to rebuild confidence and attendance. This means including your teen in making decisions about their schedule and priorities, as much as possible. Engage in negotiation in a way that takes seriously the conflict: “Let’s think about this: I hear you’re feeling exhausted by team practice, so what’s the best way to handle it that doesn’t make things harder for you down the line?”

The Typical Problem: Isolation from Peers and Family

Teens may isolate, avoiding friends or family post-school, which parents notice as “hiding in rooms” or declining invites. Reddit parents note, “My 16-year-old comes home and hides in their room—no more social life, even ignoring texts from friends.” Social media shares “loneliness after summer break,” with examples of “cyberbullying pushing kids inward” or “feeling outcast in cliques,” worrying about long-term effects on self-esteem.

What’s Happening Internally: Heightened Rejection Sensitivity

Siegel views withdrawal as integration failure: “Social brains crave connection, but remodeling can heighten rejection sensitivity.” Developmentally, peer focus intensifies, making social setbacks feel like identity threats amid brain changes prioritizing belonging.

What Your Teen Needs to Recover: Gentle Reconnection and Validation

To recover, teens need gentle reconnection—Siegel’s attunement means mirroring feelings: “It sounds lonely; I’m here.” Developmentally, they benefit from low-stakes social steps, like clubs or therapy groups, to rebuild belonging and reduce isolation. Consider talking with other parents about limiting screen or social media time and promote in-person non-screen-based activities. Often social media can act like a collective trap, and collaboration with other parents can help build healthy social connections for everyone.

6. Sleep Disturbances and Fatigue in School-Bound Teens

The Typical Problem: Insomnia and Daytime Exhaustion

Parents report insomnia or oversleeping disrupting moods and performance. One Reddit post said, “Teen can’t sleep from school worry, then crashes all weekend—grumpy and unfocused daily.” Social media posts mention “exhaustion from early starts,” with examples of “falling asleep in class” or “nighttime scrolling anxiety,” concerning parents about academic fallout.

What’s Happening Internally: Shifted Circadian Rhythms

Siegel links this to brain changes: “Adolescent sleep patterns shift later, clashing with school schedules and heightening fatigue.” In development, circadian shifts combine with stress, impairing emotional control and amplifying irritability.

What Your Teen Needs to Recover: Consistent Routines and Rest

Recovery involves consistent routines—Siegel recommends “brain hygiene” like dim lights pre-bed. Developmentally, teens need later bedtimes with screen limits, plus naps or therapy if fatigue persists, to restore energy and mood. Making changes to their routine can be difficult: consider, as we talked about in #4, co-creating a solution with your teen to help reduce the power struggle over their time.

7. Low Self-Esteem and Identity Struggles in Teens Back at School

The Typical Problem: Self-Doubt Amid Comparisons

Teens may doubt themselves amid comparisons, affecting motivation and interactions. A Reddit parent shared, “My kid feels ‘stupid’ after bad grades—self-esteem tanked, avoiding friends and activities.” Social media examples include “identity crises from cliques,” with “shame over fitting in” or “constant self-criticism,” alarming parents about withdrawal.

What’s Happening Internally: Remodeling Self-Concept

Siegel describes “identity remodeling”: “Teens question ‘who am I?’ amid brain changes, leading to self-doubt.” Developmentally, abstract thinking heightens self-criticism in evaluative environments like school, intensifying struggles.

What Your Teen Needs to Recover: Affirmation and Identity Support

To recover, teens need affirmation—Siegel’s “mindsight” encourages self-reflection: “Help them see strengths.” Developmentally, they benefit from identity-exploring activities like clubs or therapy, rebuilding esteem through successes and acceptance.

When Should I Consider Therapy?

While some back-to-school emotions are normal, persistent or intense symptoms warrant professional support. Consider therapy if: Symptoms last over 2 weeks, interfering with daily life (e.g., missing school); physical signs like eating/sleep changes accompany moods; teen expresses hopelessness or self-harm thoughts; or family dynamics worsen. Early intervention prevents escalation.

We have therapists who can help your teen recover to their normal self. In fact, these emotional changes can sometimes be important signals for needed change as they develop into a young adult. Our therapists can help you avoid painful arguments with your teen and create space for them to thrive.

Schedule Teen Therapy in Pasadena

I help teens in Pasadena recover from depression, self-harm, and panic attacks using somatic therapy. I’m Addy Sonneland and I’m a somatic therapist in Pasadena. I can help your teen recover and build on the strengths they need to thrive.

In our consultation call, you can tell me what you’re experiencing with your teen, and I can share how I can help.

Schedule a Call with Addy

Embracing Support: Therapy for Teen Transitions

These challenges are part of growth, but understanding helps. At Here Counseling in Pasadena, we support teens and families through somatic and relational therapy for smoother school starts.

Ready to ease the transition? Contact Here Counseling today—calmer days await.

FAQ: Teen Back-to-School Emotional Challenges

What are common emotional symptoms when teens return to school?

Common symptoms include anxiety, irritability, low mood, avoidance, withdrawal, sleep issues, and self-esteem struggles; they stem from readjustment stresses.

How does school start affect teen anxiety?

School start heightens anxiety through social and academic pressures; Siegel notes brain remodeling amplifies overwhelm, making routines key for regulation.

Why do teens get irritable after school?

Irritability arises from exhaustion and unmet needs; Bryson explains it’s nervous system overload, eased by co-regulation and empathy.

Signs of teen depression from school?

Signs like withdrawal or hopelessness signal depression; development research shows peer comparisons intensify low mood during transitions.

When to seek therapy for back-to-school issues?

Seek therapy if symptoms persist over 2 weeks, disrupt daily life, or include self-harm thoughts; early help prevents escalation.

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Managing emotions

Why That Toxic Relationship is Created by the Pain You’re Trying to Avoid (And How to Break Free)

Written by herecounseling

Certain relationships feel like a rerun of old wounds.

Maybe it’s a partner whose constant criticism makes you feel small, just like a judgmental parent did in childhood. Or perhaps their helplessness leaves you frustrated and overburdened, echoing the abandonment from an unreliable caregiver.

These “toxic” relationships aren’t accidents—they’re born from pains being desperately avoided. In fact, they come from specific emotions that you’ve tried to avoid, like anger, sexuality, anxiety, or sadness.

These avoided emotions tend to reemerge in close relationships, acting like a nagging splinter you can’t get out. Why does this happen? In this article you’ll learn the two ways your mind recreates the emotional you’re trying to avoid in your closest relationships and in your mind, and how confronting the pain actually leads to freedom from the cycle.

The Vicious Cycle: Why Avoided Pain Keeps Coming Back

A lot of energy goes into dodging painful experiences. Whether it’s vowing never to explode in anger like a volatile parent or swearing off any hint of dependency after feeling let down as a kid, the goal is clear: avoid that hurt at all costs. But here’s the irony—the more something is run from, the more it shows up, often in the closest relationships. This isn’t just bad luck; it’s rooted in how the mind and emotions work.

Humans are wired to feel the full range of emotions: anger, affection, sadness, confidence, helplessness, and more. Self-regulation—the ability to handle these without getting overwhelmed—depends on integrating them all. Picture the mind as a spacious house. If one room represents a scary emotion, like anxiety or erotic feelings, and it’s boarded up, that room doesn’t shrink away. It expands, demanding attention until the door is opened.

Childhood often sets this up. For instance, an angry parent might lead you to disown anger entirely: “If I express it, I’ll hurt people and get rejected.” Sexuality could feel taboo, especially if it was shamed. Or helplessness might be rejected, particularly for those socialized to always appear strong, like many men. These disowned parts don’t disappear—they get recreated either inside the mind or in external relationships through two mechanisms: introjection and projection.

Break the Cycle—Heal What’s Beneath

Toxic patterns often start with hidden pain. Therapy can help you uncover what’s driving your choices and guide you toward healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Reach out when you’re ready.

Introjection: When the Pain Becomes Your Own Inner Voice

Introjection is one way avoided pain loops back internally. It’s like taking a painful dynamic from someone else and making it part of the self, often as a way to cope or stay connected to that person, even if it’s harmful. Psychoanalyst Nancy McWilliams describes this as evolving from early “incorporation,” where children essentially swallow aspects of others whole, to more mature forms of identification. In essence, it’s an unconscious defense that internalizes attitudes or behaviors to manage anxiety, but it can turn self-destructive.

Think of it this way: repeated exposures in childhood carve deep tracks in the mind. These become inherited ways of handling emotions, even if they’re unhelpful. Heinz Kohut, a key figure in self psychology, linked such internalizations to building a sense of self, where external supports (like a parent’s validation) get taken in to form inner resilience. But when the internalized part is critical or punishing, it creates an ongoing internal struggle.

The Critical Parent Inside: A Real-Life Example

Take the example of a critical dad who always found fault—naysaying ideas, never fully satisfied, unable to share in happiness. As a child, this might make you feel small, embarrassed, or insignificant. The response? “I’m never going to be like that. I don’t want to experience that pain again, and I won’t inflict it on others.” So, as an adult, distance is created: avoiding that parent, steering clear of critical friends, protecting peace by limiting exposure.

But here’s where introjection kicks in. Even after cutting ties, a template forms in the mind from those years of interaction. While working on a project, applying for a job, or planning something special, an inner voice pipes up: “Why do you have to do that? You can’t get it right. That’s not good enough.” It’s the same criticism, now self-directed. This isn’t random—it’s because those well-worn childhood paths become part of self-regulation, a way to navigate emotions.

Worse, there’s often an attachment to this voice. Deep down, it feels like without that self-criticism, things would fall apart—you’d be a mess, an embarrassment, unworthy. It’s a twisted way of staying connected to the parent, believing their harshness somehow kept you in line. Acknowledging this is hard: realizing that no matter how many people are cut off, the voice remains, and that there’s even some affection for it, like a keepsake. But until it’s faced—as a defense against deeper shame or smallness—the pain recreates itself, turning the inner world into a “bad relationship” with the self.

Projection: Pushing Pain Onto Partners and Friends

Projection takes the disowned emotion and attributes it to someone else, outsourcing the feeling while still engaging with it indirectly. It’s a defense that keeps the self unaware of its own role, as McWilliams notes: “Projection is the process whereby what is inside is misunderstood as coming from outside.” In healthy forms, it’s the root of empathy—projecting personal experiences to understand others. But when it involves intolerable parts, like hidden hostility or dependency, it breeds misunderstandings and damage.

Melanie Klein, an object relations theorist, saw projection as part of a cycle with introjection, where “good” and “bad” mental representations (objects) get split, pushed out, and pulled back in to ease anxieties. Otto Kernberg built on this, describing how these processes organize early internalizations, often fusing feared elements into ongoing relational patterns.

The Helpless Savior Dynamic: How Projection Builds Toxicity

Let’s use helplessness as an illustration. Suppose a parent was perpetually overwhelmed—throwing up hands, unable to handle responsibilities, leaving you to pick up the slack. As a kid, this feels shameful and abandoning: “I never want to be that way; if I am, no one will care for me.” So, vulnerability gets disowned.

In adulthood, helpless moments still arise—we’re human, needing support sometimes. But owning that feels too risky. Instead, projection happens: attributing helplessness to others. Relationships form where you play the savior—doing things unasked, assuming they can’t manage, dismissing their input or wisdom. Suddenly, the partner resembles that unreliable parent, and annoyance builds. You’ve recreated the very dynamic avoided, now externalized.

This extends to other emotions. With anger from a raging parent, tension rises, and it’s assumed the other is furious: “What are you so angry about?” This gaslighting or denial can provoke real anger in them, making you the “calm” one while they embody the disowned part. There’s even subtle attraction—getting close to an angry person lets you vicariously touch that energy without owning it.

Sexuality follows suit: disowned erotic feelings get pinned on a partner—”They’re always coming on to me”—allowing denial while invading their space. Sadness might mean surrounding yourself with melancholic people, avoiding your own grief but feeling burdened by theirs.

In all cases, projection finds “containers” for the forbidden—people who might naturally lean that way, amplified by your behavior. It’s not just selection; it’s creation, turning relationships toxic until the projection is recognized.

The Path to Freedom: Returning to the Pain with Responsibility

This recreation can feel profoundly unfair, like an endless hell of repeated suffering. But there’s hope in viewing it existentially: it’s the psyche saying, “Return to the scene of the accident.” These patterns—internal critics or projected dynamics—are invitations to confront what’s avoided, to own the anger, sexuality, anxiety, or helplessness as valid parts of the self that need to be recognized and cared for.

The pain from childhood isn’t your fault—abuse, neglect, or criticism wasn’t chosen. But as adults, it’s a responsibility to address how it lingers, affecting ourselves and others. Disowning keeps the cycle spinning; acknowledging and feeling it fully brings catharsis, a release that’s been needed. Psychotherapy offers a space for this, helping integrate disconnected parts into a coherent whole, fostering relationships that bring life instead of torment.

If a “toxic” relationship feels like a echo of old pain, start by identifying the avoided experience. What emotion represents the deepest hurt? Confront it compassionately, take responsibility for its impact, and watch freedom unfold.

You can confront the pain and experience enormous relief. That’s what our therapists are trained to do. We can help you grow your awareness so you can resolve the pain you’ve experienced, so it stops being recreated in your life. Reach out to us today and schedule a consultation:

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FAQ: Toxic Relationships and Avoided Pain

Why do I keep attracting toxic relationships?

Toxic relationships often stem from unresolved childhood pain, like criticism or abandonment, leading to patterns of introjection (internalizing hurts) or projection (attributing them to others). These recreate familiar dynamics until you confront and own the emotions, breaking the cycle through self-awareness and therapy.

What causes repeated patterns in bad relationships?

Patterns arise from disowned emotions—anger, helplessness, or shame—pushed away in childhood. Avoidance recreates them via defense mechanisms like introjection (echoing inner critics) or projection (outsourcing to partners), acting as a call to integrate these parts for healthier bonds.

How do I stop attracting toxic partners?

Start by identifying avoided pains and owning them—acknowledge anger or vulnerability without shame. Set boundaries, seek therapy to process childhood wounds, and surround yourself with supportive people. This shifts your energy, drawing in nourishing relationships instead of toxic ones.

What is introjection in psychology?

Introjection is internalizing others’ traits or dynamics, like adopting a critical parent’s voice as your inner critic. It helps cope with vulnerability but recreates pain internally, turning self-talk toxic until faced and reframed for better self-regulation.

What is projection in relationships?

Projection attributes disowned feelings to others, like seeing helplessness in a partner while denying your own. It builds toxic dynamics by provoking or amplifying the avoided emotion, often subconsciously recreating childhood hurts until owned through reflection and responsibility.

People-pleasing, boundaries, self-care, toxic boundaries, and self-awareness

Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions

How to Set Boundaries Without Being Toxic, Even if You People-Please

Written by herecounseling

In today’s culture, “boundaries” has become a go-to phrase for navigating relationships, often hailed as the ultimate self-care tool. But what if this popular take is missing the mark, turning boundaries into toxic barriers rather than bridges?

In this post, we’ll dive into how social media and pop psychology frame boundaries, explore the toxic pitfalls of this view with real examples, and propose a healthier approach rooted in self-awareness and differentiation. Drawing from psychoanalytic insights, we’ll uncover how true boundaries foster connection without defense, leading to less conflict and more authentic relating. Healing begins with rethinking what we’ve been taught—and it can transform your partnerships in Pasadena and beyond.

“Set them or suffer”

How Boundaries Evolved into Toxic Defensiveness

In our fast-paced, self-help-saturated world, “boundaries” dominates conversations on mental health and relationships. Social media amplifies this with empowering memes, threads, and reels urging people to “set boundaries or be walked over.” The tone is often triumphant and no-nonsense, positioning boundaries as a shield against toxicity. For instance, viral posts declare, “Boundaries are for you. ‘I feel uncomfortable when you continue to do ‘x’ action for ‘y’ reason.’ It’s about telling people what your own limits are,” emphasizing self-protection in a world of demands.

Yet, this narrative frequently veers into accusatory territory. Quotes from popular X threads highlight the shift: “Abusers learned the word ‘boundary’ and started making *rules*, trying to justify their abusive behaviour. Boundaries are to protect *yourself*… They’re not about dictating the behaviour of others.” Another user notes, “‘Boundaries’ are things like ‘sometimes when we have hard conversations, I might ask for 5 minutes alone’… They aren’t ‘don’t post bathing suit pictures or hang out with people I don’t pre-approve.’” High-profile examples, like Jonah Hill’s texts, fuel debates where “boundaries” justify control, with critics calling it “weaponizing therapy language.”

The cultural vibe? Boundaries as bold declarations against “energy vampires” or “narcissists,” often in black-and-white terms: “Set them or suffer.” This resonates in LA’s wellness scene, where therapy-speak goes viral, but it risks oversimplifying complex dynamics, turning nuance into ultimatums.

What’s behind this whole boundary thing?

Set Boundaries with Kindness and Confidence

You don’t have to choose between keeping the peace and honoring yourself. Start therapy and learn how to speak up without feeling guilty.

The overuse of “boundaries” in modern discourse isn’t just a trend—it’s a symptom of deeper social anxiety, where relationships feel increasingly fragile and pressured. Psychological theories, including attachment theory and social psychology, explain how social anxiety amplifies insecure attachments, leading to people-pleasing and eventual defensive projections. In environments of loneliness—exacerbated by digital interactions and urban lifestyles like in Los Angeles—individuals crave connection but fear its loss, setting the stage for rigid boundary-setting as a last resort.

Here’s a step-by-step progression of how this toxic “boundary” behavior unfolds:

Unseen Pressure to avoid Social Isolation: In socially isolated settings, we’re often unaware of the intense drive to connect and how precarious bonds feel. This unspoken pressure pushes us toward over-accommodation to secure ties.
People-Pleasing as Primitive Attachment Compulsion: Defaulting to yes-saying stems from insecure attachment, where fear of abandonment triggers fawning behaviors. Anxious attachment drives us to avoid conflict to maintain closeness.
Insecure Attachment Paints a Corner: Over time, this creates a trap. We sense relationships hinge on avoiding conflict and rejecting our own thoughts, building resentment and fusion. Family therapist Murray Bowen described emotional fusion as, “The greater degree of fusion in a relationship, the more heightened is the pull to preserve emotional stability by preserving the status quo,” which in this case is the suppression of one’s subjectivity to avoid social isolation.
Needs are Suppressed: Small assertions like “I disagree”, “I have a different perspective”, or “what if instead, we…?” get stifled out of fear of conflict and distance.
Projection Takes Hold: We then project our fear outward, thinking it’s others who are unreasonably requiring us to bend. Our own compulsion to people-please is projected onto a partner or friend. We think the pressure to people-please is coming from outside rather than from our own insecurity.
Crude Boundaries as “Big Guns”: Finally, we assert harsh limits against the “narcissist,” prioritizing distance to “protect peace.” Psychotherapist Lori Gottlieb critiques this misuse: “I think people are using these terms because they think they’re supposed to, but they don’t even know what they mean.” Casual therapy-speak like boundaries enables toxicity rather than healing.

To summarize this progression:

Step	Description
1. Social Isolation	Social isolation makes us scared of rejection.
2. People-Pleasing	We suppress our own thoughts and needs out of fear of rejection.
3. Painted Corner	We create relationships in which the other person comes to see us as flexible, eager to please.
4. Suppression	We suppress our normal disagreements to avoid conflict.
5. Projection	We think the other person is requiring us to be flexible.
6. Crude Boundaries	We react out of panic by asserting defensive boundaries against the other person.

Practical Pitfalls: How Toxic Boundaries Break Down in Relationships

While the intent behind popular boundary-setting is positive, it often backfires in real life, especially in couples. One common pitfall is using boundaries reactively after people-pleasing builds resentment. You might bend over backward to accommodate your partner, only to feel “taken over”. Then you may enforce a rigid limit like “No more last-minute plans—ever.” This projects the issue outward (“You’re not respecting me”) and ignores the larger insecurity around people-pleasing fears.

3 Toxic Boundary Pitfalls:

Confusing Boundaries with Rules: When misused, boundaries dictate others’ behavior, like demanding a partner stop certain hobbies. This leads to control rather than collaboration.
Evading Accountability: Viral advice encourages quick cut-offs without explanation. For example, “therapy culture has added fuel… with ‘set your boundaries’ conflated with cutting people off quickly, harshly.” This avoids the normal back-and-forth of healthy relating.
Amplifying Defensiveness: In couples, it pathologizes normal conflicts—labeling a disagreement as “boundary violation” shuts down dialogue, eroding trust. For high-achievers in Pasadena, this can spill into work stress, where unaddressed resentment heightens burnout.

These pitfalls create cycles of misunderstanding, where boundaries become primitive defenses against feeling vulnerable, rather than tools for growth.

Healthy Self-Awareness Boundaries

True boundaries emerge from self-awareness, holding onto your subjectivity without suppressing it to “save” the relationship through people-pleasing. Rooted in psychoanalytic ideas, this view sees boundaries as differentiation. This is the ability to maintain your sense of self amid others’ needs. As family therapist Murray Bowen described, “Differentiation is not an event but a skill that requires practice,” allowing emotional interdependence without fusion or cutoff.

In relationships, this means responding non-defensively. For example, “I hear you want this, and here’s my perspective,” or negotiating mutually. Or, “I don’t want that, but can we find a solution that helps us both?”

3 Benefits of Embracing Boundaries as Self-Awareness

Shifting to this view unlocks deeper connection and ease. Here are three key benefits:

Reduced Conflict and Resentment: By asserting needs early and collaboratively, you avoid buildup, leading to smoother interactions. As Bowen noted, higher differentiation means less emotional reactivity in partnerships.
Enhanced Emotional Flexibility: You gain tools to navigate differences without defense, fostering joy and playfulness. Ogden’s growth monitoring promotes this, turning vulnerability into strength for balanced living.
Increased Productivity and Well-Being: For perfectionists, releasing people-pleasing frees energy for meaningful work. Winnicott’s unlived life concept reminds us: addressing fears head-on reclaims vitality, helping high-achievers thrive in Pasadena.

If You’re the People-Pleaser:

Practical Ways to Practice Healthy Boundaries

Building healthy boundaries means encountering conflict with curiosity and self-awareness, turning potential clashes into opportunities for connection. Below are 7 examples of non-defensive communication with a partner or close friend, each followed by why it’s healthy:

“I notice we’re disagreeing on how to spend the evening—I’m tired and craving quiet time, but I value our time together. What are you needing?”
How this is healthy: Naming the conflict and your feelings invites openness without blame, fostering mutual understanding and reducing defensiveness by focusing on shared desires for the relationship.
“You seem passionate about this idea, and I respect that. My perspective is different because it reminds me of some painful experiences—can we explore why it matters to each of us?”
How this is healthy: Acknowledging the other’s viewpoint while sharing your conflicting belief validates both sides, promoting empathy and preventing escalation into rigid positions.
“I hear you want to invite more people over, and that makes sense for you. I’d prefer a smaller gathering to recharge—maybe we can find a way we can both feel good about this weekend?”
How this is healthy: Expressing desires while looking for common ground encourages collaboration, turning potential opposition into a joint problem-solving effort that strengthens the bond.
“This conversation is getting intense—I’m feeling overwhelmed right now. Can we turn down the emotional volume a bit so I can hear you?.”
How this is healthy: Using humor to diffuse tension names the current emotional state lightly, creating space for reset and reminding both parties of shared humanity without avoidance.
“You believe we should splurge on this trip, and I get that. I’m worried about the budget though—let’s list out pros and cons together to find what works for us both.”
How this is healthy: Naming conflicting beliefs and proposing a structured way to find common ground keeps the focus on partnership, reducing power struggles and enhancing decision-making skills.
“Ugh, that felt off to me, and I’m feeling the need to smooth it over by agreeing with you, even though I have some complex thoughts about it. What happened for you?”
How this is healthy: Directly naming the conflict and expressing desires for the relationship opens dialogue with vulnerability, encouraging the other to share and deepening emotional intimacy.

If You’re the Partner to the People Pleaser:

How to Invite Your Friend or Partner to Engage in Healthy Conflict

Inviting others to move beyond people-pleasing involves gentle encouragement. Below are 7 examples of ways to communicate this invitation to a partner or close friend, each followed by why it’s effective:

“I notice you often go along with my ideas, and I appreciate that, but I’m curious—what do you really think about this? Your honest opinion matters to me.”
How this is effective: Gently naming the pattern without judgment invites self-expression, reducing fear of conflict and encouraging the other to claim their subjectivity for deeper connection.
“It seems like you’re agreeing to keep things smooth, but I sense some hesitation. Let’s talk about what’s really on your mind—I’m here to hear it without getting defensive.”
How this is effective: Acknowledging potential people-pleasing validates their feelings while modeling non-defensiveness, fostering a safe space for honest disagreement and mutual vulnerability.
“I value how supportive you are, but if something doesn’t feel right for you, I’d love for you to share that. How can we make decisions that work for both of us?”
How this is effective: Expressing appreciation while prompting assertion shifts focus to collaboration, helping break the cycle of suppression and promoting balanced, resilient relating.
“Hey, I get the urge to just say yes to avoid tension—I’ve done it too. But what if we tried disagreeing lightly? What’s your take on this plan?”
How this is effective: Using shared humanity and humor normalizes the habit, inviting playful engagement in conflict to build emotional flexibility without overwhelming pressure.
“You seem to prioritize my preferences a lot, which is sweet, but I wonder if that’s leaving out what you need. Tell me more about your side—I’d feel better if we could find a middle ground, I want you to be happy with this too.”
How this is effective: Highlighting the imbalance empathetically encourages ownership of needs, guiding toward negotiation that strengthens partnership and reduces resentment buildup.
“I’ve noticed patterns where we avoid clashing, but I think sharing differing views could bring us closer. What’s one thing you’d change about our routine?”
How this is effective: Framing conflict as connective invites exploration of perspectives, promoting differentiation and turning avoidance into an opportunity for intimacy and growth.
“It would make me feel good to know both of us are ok with this decision rather than to just get my way.”
How this is effective: Directly addressing suppression with reassurance affirms the relationship’s strength, empowering the other to engage authentically and enhancing overall well-being.

Step-by-Step: Practicing Healthy Boundaries in Daily Life

To cultivate this approach, start small:

Reflect on Your Patterns: Journal moments of resentment—ask, “How might I have been afraid of rejection? And how did that change how I was being in the conversation?”
Express Subjectivity: In conversations, use “I” statements like “I feel overwhelmed and need rest—how can we adjust?”
Negotiate Mutually: Invite input: “You want this, I prefer that—let’s find common ground.” Practice builds differentiation.

This turns boundaries into relational strengths.

Embracing True Boundaries: Therapy Can Guide the Way

Redefining boundaries as self-awareness transforms relationships from battlegrounds to spaces of growth. At Here Counseling in Pasadena, we use somatic and psychoanalytic tools to build this differentiation, reducing resentment for more energized living.

To your perfectionistic self: You’ll connect deeper and achieve more without the weight of unspoken needs. Ready to redefine boundaries? Contact Here Counseling today—authentic relating awaits.

FAQ: Rethinking Boundaries in Relationships

What does the popular view of boundaries get wrong?

It often turns boundaries into rules controlling others, leading to defensiveness and shutdowns, rather than fostering mutual respect.

How is differentiation different from setting boundaries?

Differentiation maintains self amid others’ needs, as Murray Bowen described as a practiced skill for emotional autonomy without isolation.

How do I know if I’m people-pleasing?

Signs include resentment buildup, difficulty saying no early, and projecting issues onto others as “boundary violations.”

Does therapy help with healthy boundaries?

Absolutely—psychoanalytic approaches uncover roots, building self-awareness for non-defensive relating and lasting change.

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Managing emotions

Perfectionistic? How to Get Rid of Anger, Even If You’ve Tried Before

Written by herecounseling

Imagine you’re powering through another late night at work, pushing yourself harder because that project just isn’t “good enough” yet. Your mind races with thoughts like, “Why can’t you get this right? You’re falling behind—again.” The tension builds, maybe erupting into anger at yourself or snapping at a colleague. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. As a perfectionist or workaholic, you might be trapped in a cycle of self-criticism that feels relentless.

But what if that harsh inner voice isn’t really yours?

In this post, we’ll explore how this voice often stems from a psychological defense called introjection, why it persists, and practical steps to identify and quiet it. Healing starts with understanding—and it can lead to less frustration, reduced burnout, and a life where you don’t have to avoid your deeper emotions.

What Is Your Inner Critic?

For high-achievers like you, the inner critic isn’t just occasional doubt—it’s a constant companion driving perfectionism and workaholism. It shows up as that nagging voice demanding more, criticizing every misstep, and fueling tension that spills into irritability. You might beat yourself up for not meeting impossible standards or lash out at others when things don’t go perfectly.

There’s More Beneath the Anger

If perfectionism has kept you bottling things up, you’re not alone. Therapy can help you understand the roots of your anger—and finally start letting go. Reach out when you’re ready.

Common signs of self-criticism:

Constant self-doubt, even after successes (e.g., “That promotion? You just got lucky—don’t mess it up now.”).
Overworking to avoid “failure,” leading to exhaustion and short-tempered reactions.
Quick anger toward yourself or loved ones, masking deeper fatigue.
Physical symptoms like tension headaches or insomnia, all tied to the fear of not being enough.

What Self-Criticism Sounds Like

“Why can’t I ever get this right? I’m such a failure” (when facing a minor setback at work).
“Everyone else is handling this better than me—I’m just not good enough” (during social comparisons).
“I should have known better; how could I be so stupid?” (after making a simple mistake).
“If I don’t push harder, I’ll never succeed, and I’ll disappoint everyone” (fueling workaholism).
“Look at me, messing up again—no wonder no one takes me seriously” (in moments of self-doubt about personal relationships).

This critic keeps you in survival mode, but it’s often more than just habit—it’s a deeply ingrained defense mechanism known as introjection, and it’s keeping you stuck in anger.

Self-Criticism Keeps You Stuck in Anger

That relentless self-criticism isn’t just exhausting—it directly fuels the anger and stress boiling inside you, directed at yourself and spilling over onto others. Picture this: a deadline slips, and instead of grace, you lash out internally with “You’re useless—why can’t you handle this?” This self-directed fury builds resentment, making you snap at colleagues or loved ones over small things, all while the underlying stress festers.

It’s a vicious cycle where the critic amplifies every flaw, turning minor frustrations into explosive anger, leaving you isolated and burned out. The pain is real: it erodes your relationships, heightens anxiety, and keeps you trapped in a loop of self-sabotage, where rest feels impossible because vulnerability means admitting “weakness.”

But here’s why it persists—

This pattern often ties back to a psychological defense called introjection, where we internalize critical voices from our past, like those from parents or authority figures, and make them our own. Think of it as swallowing their judgments whole, turning them into your inner monologue.

Introjection acts like a shield: it distracts from deeper emotions like sadness or overwhelm by redirecting energy into self-blame or overachievement. You might notice this when a small setback spirals into self-attack, keeping true vulnerability at bay.

In essence, introjection functions like this:

It redirects energy into self-blame or overachievement, shielding you from the raw ache of sadness or exhaustion.
It offers a false sense of control— like thinking, “If I just push harder, I can outrun this discomfort.”
Over time, it sustains workaholism as a numbing strategy, but it heightens frustration when life doesn’t align with its rules.

These internalized rules keep you stuck. And yes, it can explain why managing stress and anger feels so elusive.

Why We Cling to the Critic: Staying Connected and Safe

It might sound counterintuitive, but holding onto this critical voice is often a way to maintain attachment to important figures from your past, like mom or dad. If they were demanding or critical—perhaps pushing you to excel at all costs—you might have internalized their voice as a form of loyalty or safety. Rejecting it could feel like losing that connection, even if it was painful.

For instance:

The voice echoes a parent’s high expectations, keeping their “presence” alive in your mind.
It provides a twisted sense of security: “If I criticize myself first, no one else can hurt me.”
This attachment sidesteps the grief of unmet needs, like the sadness of never feeling truly accepted.

As odd as it seems, this mechanism helped you survive back then. But now, it fuels the very burnout and irritability you’re trying to escape.

If you’re reading this and thinking, “This sounds like pop psychology nonsense—I’m just hard on myself because I care about doing well,” I get it. Perfectionists often dismiss interpretations like introjection as overly analytical or irrelevant. After all, you’ve built your success on self-discipline, and admitting a “defense mechanism” might feel like an excuse. You might even feel resistant, wondering if this is just another thing to “fix” perfectly.

That’s a normal reaction—your inner critic is probably already piping up, saying it’s all too touchy-feely. But here’s the thing: acknowledging this doesn’t mean you’re broken. It’s a sign of strength to question the voice that’s been running the show. Many clients start out skeptical, only to discover how liberating it is to see the critic for what it is.

The Power of Identifying Your Inner Critic: The Key to Overcoming Anger and Stress

Here’s the game-changer: Simply identifying this voice as separate from your true self is incredibly powerful. It’s the first step to dismantling the cycle of self-criticism, workaholism, and bottled-up frustration. When you recognize introjection at work, you start to see how much of your burnout is an avoidance tactic—pushing away sadness because, in the past, it wasn’t safe to feel it. Maybe emotions were dismissed or punished, so you learned to armor up with achievement.

At Here Counseling, we’ve seen this realization transform lives. Clients who once raged at minor setbacks or buried themselves in work begin to release that tension. The frustration softens, burnout eases, and they reclaim space for genuine rest and joy. It’s not about erasing the voice overnight but understanding it’s not the whole truth about you.

Step-by-Step: Personifying Your Inner Critic to Set It Free

To make this tangible, one key exercise is to personify the voice—give it a form outside yourself. This helps externalize it, making it easier to challenge and link back to its origins. Here’s how to start:

Visualize It: Close your eyes and imagine the critic as a character. Is it a stern judge, a nagging parent figure, or something abstract like a dark cloud? Note its tone, appearance, and how it makes you feel. This separation shows it’s not “you”—it’s an echo. What is it saying?
Draw or Describe It: Sketch the critic or write a detailed description. Include linked memories—e.g., “This voice sounds like Dad when he said I wasn’t trying hard enough.” Sharing this in therapy amplifies the insight.
Confront It: Once personified, respond kindly: “I hear you over there. Now how do I feel about being spoken to this way? What would actually feel right to me?” Over time, grows our emotional awareness and flexibility, allowing burnout and frustration to fade as you process the underlying emotions.

FAQ on Self-Criticism

What is introjection in psychology?

Introjection is a defense mechanism where individuals internalize external critical voices, often from childhood, turning them into their own inner critic to avoid deeper emotions like sadness and maintain a sense of attachment or control.

How does self-criticism lead to anger and burnout?

Self-criticism amplifies flaws and redirects vulnerability into self-blame, creating a cycle of resentment that spills into anger toward oneself and others, leading to exhaustion, isolation, and burnout from constant overachievement.

What are signs of an overly critical inner voice?

Signs include constant self-doubt after successes, overworking to avoid failure, quick anger masking fatigue, and physical symptoms like headaches or insomnia tied to fears of inadequacy.

Can I overcome my inner critic on my own?

Yes, start by personifying the voice through visualization, journaling, or drawing to externalize it, then challenge it kindly; however, therapy can accelerate progress by addressing underlying traumas safely.

How does therapy help with self-criticism?

Therapy uncovers introjection’s roots, builds emotional awareness, and teaches tools like somatic practices to replace self-blame with compassion, reducing anger and burnout for more balanced living.

You’ll actually get more done… when you let go of self-criticism

You can finally address your anger, burnout, and frustration. At Here Counseling in Pasadena, we do this somatic and relational work to make vulnerability feel safe—leading to less workaholism and more balanced living.

And, to speak to your perfectionistic self: you’ll actually get more done. I promise. From helping many high-achievers like you, the self-critical voice is an albatross you carry with you, impeding what would otherwise be a much more energized, engaged experience of your work and relationships. You can actually do more and better work when you can stop white-knuckling your day and access a more playful emotional self.

Ready to quiet that critic and reclaim your peace? Explore therapy tailored for high-achievers like you. Contact Here Counseling today to schedule a session. Healing is possible, and you deserve it.

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EMDR, Somatic Exercises

What is EMDR Therapy? How to Find an EMDR Therapist in Los Angeles

Written by herecounseling

Life can feel overwhelming at times. The constant noise, the pressure to keep up, the endless distractions. Yet beneath it you carry something heavier, too: memories that won’t let go, a tightness in your chest that creeps up uninvited, or a sense that you’re just not fully present. Many people look to EMDR for relief, a way to untangle the past and breathe a little easier. At Here Counseling, we understand how challenging it can be to find the right therapist, and we’re here to help you navigate that journey.

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy is more than a buzzword—it’s a powerful, somatic approach to processing trauma and experiencing peace. In this article, (1) I’ll walk you through what EMDR is, how it works, and why it’s so effective. (2) I’ll also share the practical side of finding an EMDR therapist, especially if you’re in a big city like Los Angeles, where the search can feel daunting. Most importantly, (3) I’ll show you how the real magic of EMDR happens—not just in the technique, but in the connection you build with your therapist.

Break Free from Trauma with EMDR

Work with expert EMDR therapists in Los Angeles and start your healing journey today—safe, effective, and personalized care.

What is EMDR Therapy?

EMDR therapy is an evidence-based treatment designed to help you process trauma and distressing memories. Developed by Francine Shapiro in the 1980s, it’s widely used for PTSD, anxiety, and more. You might have heard about the bilateral stimulation—guided eye movements, tapping, or tones—used while recalling tough moments. That’s part of it, but here’s the core: EMDR isn’t just about the mechanics. It’s about the safety and trust you feel with your therapist, which lets your brain and body release what’s been stuck.

Think of it like this: trauma can trap pieces of your past in a loop, replaying in your mind or showing up as tension you can’t explain. EMDR, paired with the right therapeutic relationship, helps unlock those pieces so they can settle into a quieter place.

How Does EMDR Therapy Work?

EMDR follows an eight-phase process that’s carefully structured to keep you grounded every step of the way:

History-Taking: We start by getting to know you—your story, your struggles, and what you want to work on.
Preparation: Your therapist helps you feel safe with tools like breathing exercises, building a foundation of trust.
Assessment: You identify the memories or beliefs that hurt—and the ones you’d like to feel instead.
Desensitization: This is where bilateral stimulation comes in, guided by your therapist, to help your brain reprocess the memory.
Installation: We reinforce positive beliefs, like “I am enough,” to take root.
Body Scan: You check in with yourself—any lingering tension?—to ensure it feels resolved.
Closure: Every session ends with calm, so you leave feeling steady.
Reevaluation: We check in later to see how you’re doing and adjust the plan if needed.

The bilateral stimulation often gets the spotlight, but the real shift happens through attunement. Dr. Daniel Siegel, a leader in developmental neurobiology, talks about co-regulation—how two people’s nervous systems sync up to create calm. In EMDR, that connection with your therapist allows your brain to rewire those old, painful pathways.

The Science Behind EMDR: It’s All About Connection

You might ask, “Do the eye movements really do all that?” They help, but the deeper healing comes from something more fundamental. Our early relationships shape the structure and function of our brains and bodies. When early relationships are unsafe, our minds respond by shutting down the emotional processes it needs to recover from harm. EMDR, done with a therapist who’s truly present, repairs that by creating a new experience of safety, which reactivates the structures the mind needs to recover from harm.

Daniel Siegel’s research supports this: when you are “attuned” to another person, your nervous system relaxes enough to process what’s been stuck. It’s like the “bilateral” movement isn’t just in your eyes or hands—it’s in you and your therapist’s brain’s activity, shifting how trauma can be experienced. That’s why the therapeutic relationship in EMDR is so vital.

View our EMDR Therapists

Common Misconceptions About EMDR Therapy

Let’s clear up some myths about EMDR:

“It’s all about the eye movements.”
Not quite. They’re a tool, but the safety with your therapist drives the change.
“It’s only for big trauma.”
False. EMDR works for everything from PTSD to everyday stress or self-doubt.
“Healing with EMDR is instant, or can be fixed in 1-2 sessions”
It’s not a quick fix. Healing unfolds over time, guided by your needs.

Finding EMDR Therapy in Los Angeles: What You Need to Know

If you’re in a big city like Los Angeles, finding the right EMDR therapist can feel like a challenge all its own. Here’s why—and how Here Counseling makes it easier.

Why it’s Hard to Find EMDR Therapists in Los Angeles

So Many Providers: LA is home to countless therapists, which sounds great until you’re overwhelmed by the sheer number of options. Sifting through them to find someone trained in EMDR can feel like searching for a needle in a haystack.
Location Matters: In a sprawling city like LA, getting to therapy can be a trek. A convenient location can make or break your ability to commit to regular sessions.
In-Person Office Space: Many therapists offer only virtual sessions these days, but EMDR often shines brightest in person. Finding someone with a dedicated office space isn’t as common as you’d think.
Parking Woes: Parking in LA can be a nightmare. Circling the block before a session isn’t exactly the calm start you want for healing.

Here Counseling is a Great Place to Start EMDR Therapy

At Here Counseling, we’ve built our practice to tackle these hurdles head-on:

Convenient Downtown Location: Our office is in the historic Biltmore Court Offices in downtown LA, putting us right in the heart of the city. It’s easy to reach, no matter where you’re coming from. We also have an office space in Pasadena if you’re closer to San Gabriel Valley.
In-Person Office Space: We believe in the power of face-to-face connection. Our welcoming, private office provides a safe space to fully engage in the EMDR process.
Accessible Parking: We’ve made sure there are nearby parking options, so you can arrive at your session relaxed, not frazzled from a parking hunt.
Expert EMDR Therapists: Our team is trained in the latest EMDR techniques and committed to creating a trusting, attuned relationship with you.

In a city as vast as Los Angeles, finding the right therapist shouldn’t add to your stress. We’re here to simplify the process, so you can focus on your healing.

Real-Life Benefits of EMDR Therapy

Imagine this:

Moving through your day without that familiar dread.
Feeling lighter in your own skin, free from “what ifs.”
Connecting with others without old pain creeping in.

These aren’t just hopes—clients tell us this is what EMDR can unlock. It’s not about erasing the past; it’s about making it something you can live with, not fight against.

Is EMDR Therapy Right for You?

Ask yourself:

Do you feel trapped by worry, sadness, or memories?
Does something from your past still pull you back?
Are you ready to feel supported as you heal?

If that rings true, EMDR could be your next step. We offer a free consultation to explore it together—no pressure, just clarity.

Find EMDR Support That Works

Discover how EMDR therapy can help you heal deep emotional wounds. Book a consultation with a certified therapist near you.

Ready to Start Healing?

You don’t have to carry this alone. EMDR therapy can help you process what’s been holding you back and step into a freer version of yourself. At Here Counseling, we’re here to walk with you.

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Quick Answers about EMDR in Los Angeles

What is EMDR therapy?
EMDR is a trauma therapy that uses a structured process, including bilateral stimulation, to help you process painful memories with a therapist’s support.
How does EMDR therapy work?
It works by creating safety with your therapist, using bilateral stimulation to reprocess trauma and calm your nervous system.
What are the benefits of EMDR?
EMDR can reduce anxiety, lighten emotional burdens, and help you feel more present and connected.
Who can benefit from EMDR therapy?
Anyone with trauma, stress, or lingering emotional pain—big or small—can find relief with EMDR.
How do I find an EMDR therapist in Los Angeles?
Look for a therapist with a convenient location, in-person office space, and accessible parking. Here Counseling offers all this in downtown LA at the Biltmore Court Offices, and in Pasadena.

Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions

Addiction Impacting your Relationship? How to Talk with Your Partner about Couples Therapy

Written by herecounseling

Addiction—to pornography, gambling, or alcohol—casts a long shadow over relationships, often fracturing trust, draining finances, and eroding emotional intimacy. We’ll address pressing questions partners often ask:

Why does my partner behave this way?
How is the addiction affecting our relationship?
Am I to blame for their addiction?
How can I broach the topic of couples therapy?

How Addiction Impacts Couples

The following stories, pulled from Reddit posts, offer a glimpse into the pain and complexity of loving someone with an addiction. These anonymous quotes reflect the emotional, financial, and relational toll of pornography, gambling, and alcohol addiction.

Don’t Let Addiction Break Your Bond

Couples therapy can help you rebuild trust, improve communication, and heal together—take the first step today.

Pornography Addiction

Partners of those addicted to pornography often describe feelings of betrayal, inadequacy, and a crumbling sense of intimacy. The addiction can feel like an invisible rival, sapping the relationship of closeness.

“I found out he’s been watching porn for hours every night. I feel like I’m not enough, like I’m competing with something I can’t match. We barely touch anymore, and when we do, it feels empty.”
“He promised he’d stop, but I keep finding new tabs, new excuses. It’s like he’s choosing those videos over me, and I don’t know how to make him see how much it hurts.”

These stories highlight the emotional exhaustion and self-doubt partners face, often questioning their worth while grappling with broken promises.

Gambling Addiction

Gambling addiction frequently brings financial devastation and a web of lies, leaving partners to pick up the pieces while trust erodes.

“We’re drowning in debt because of his gambling. He sold my old laptop to bet more, and I didn’t even know until the buyer contacted me. How do you trust someone after that?”
“He keeps saying it’s just one more bet to win it all back, but we’ve lost everything—savings, our car, my peace of mind. I’m so tired of his lies.”

These accounts reveal the chaos of financial ruin and the sting of deception, with partners often discovering the addiction’s extent only after significant damage.

Alcohol Addiction

Alcohol addiction transforms partners into strangers, introducing unpredictability, manipulation, and sometimes fear into the relationship.

“When he drinks, he’s someone else—angry, cruel, gone. I’m walking on eggshells, never knowing if he’ll be sober or a mess when I get home.”
“He lies about where he’s been, how much he’s had. I’m so drained from pretending everything’s fine when I know he’s hiding bottles again.”

These quotes capture the emotional toll of living with an alcoholic partner, where love is tested against constant uncertainty and manipulation.

Addiction and Accommodation

In our therapy practice in Pasadena, we often see couples for whom addiction has become a central feature of their relationship. Sometimes the addiction starts before the relationship, other times, it develops over time within the relationship. Either way, addiction isn’t simply an individual behavior; it quickly becomes part of the harmful pattern the couple experiences.

For the addict, the addiction can sometimes be a cry for help. It’s often an act of withdrawal from emotional pain that serves to both mask and express the person’s inner world. It can be a way of expressing to the partner “I’m going to tell you, through my actions, just how much I feel like life is too much to handle.” This places an unfair and difficult to resolve tension on the relationship.

For the partner of the addict, the addictive behavior can cause many understandable emotions. Some partners unwittingly enable the addictive behavior by either outright accommodating the behavior, or even simply by suppressing the impact the behavior is having on them. These partners will remain quiet, even when emotionally they feel angry, overwhelmed, and anxious about the addictive behaviors.

For this reason, it’s helpful to think about something called pathological accommodation whenever we think about addiction and couples. Pathological accommodation describes a pattern where one partner excessively adjusts their behavior to meet the other’s needs, often sacrificing their own well-being. In relationships with addiction, Both partners can suffer from pathological accommodation.

How does pathological accommodation impact couples with addiction?

According to intersubjective systems theory (Jones, 2009, Addiction and Pathological Accommodation), pathological accommodation often stems from early experiences where differentiation—the ability to maintain a distinct sense of self—was stifled.

In such dynamics, the accommodating partner may take on excessive responsibility for the relationship’s stability, enabling the addict by shielding them from consequences. For example, covering up lies or managing finances alone can reduce the addict’s incentive to change.

For the addict, pathological accommodation is sometimes a driving force for addictive behavior. When a person experiences live as a series of unavoidable demands, addictive behaviors function like an escape hatch. They may feel that they’re only able to escape accommodation by drinking.

Answering Key Questions

For partners navigating the turmoil of addiction, here are answers to common questions, informed by Reddit stories and the lens of pathological accommodation:

1. Why does my partner have addictive behaviors?

Addiction often serves as an escape from deeper issues like stress, trauma, or emotional disconnection. Your partner’s behavior—whether compulsively watching pornography, gambling, or drinking—may be their attempt to cope with these struggles. They may tend to avoid accountability, retreating further into addiction. As seen in Reddit posts, partners describe addicts as “someone else” when under the influence, highlighting how addiction hijacks their behavior, not your worth or actions.

2. How is the addictive behavior impacting our relationship?

The Reddit stories paint a vivid picture of addiction’s toll:

Broken Trust: Lies about pornography use or gambling debts, as in “He keeps saying it’s just one more bet,” shatter trust.
Emotional Disconnect: Partners feel neglected, as seen in “We barely touch anymore,” with addiction consuming the addict’s attention.
Financial Ruin: Gambling or alcohol can drain resources, with one user noting, “We’ve lost everything—savings, our car.”
Instability: Alcohol’s unpredictability, like “walking on eggshells,” creates a volatile home life.
Self-Esteem Damage: Partners of porn addicts, for example, feel inadequate, as in “I’m competing with something I can’t match.”

3. Is it my fault my partner is addicted to a substance?

No, you are not to blame for your partner’s addiction. Addiction stems from a web of factors, including your partner’s own psychological and biological predispositions. Your partner’s addiction behaviors are their own responsibility. Emotional boundaries are incredibly important for a couple who is struggling with addictive behaviors. It’s important for each partner to own and express their own feelings and needs.

Heal Together, Not Alone

Facing addiction in your relationship? Get expert support to navigate the pain and reconnect with your partner.

4. How can I talk with my partner about their addiction to start couples therapy?

Broaching this conversation requires care, especially to avoid reinforcing accommodating patterns. Here’s how, inspired by Reddit advice and therapeutic principles:

Pick a Calm Moment: Choose a time when your partner is sober and you’re both relaxed to ensure a productive dialogue.
Use “I” Statements: Say, “I feel hurt and worried about how your [addiction] is affecting us,” to express your pain without blame, echoing Reddit users’ calls for honest communication.
Propose Therapy as a Team Effort: Suggest, “I think couples therapy could help us understand each other and rebuild. I want us to face this together,” framing it as a shared goal.
Set Clear Boundaries: State what you won’t tolerate, like, “I can’t keep covering for you, but I’ll support you if you seek help,” breaking the cycle of accommodation.
Expect Pushback: As Reddit users note, addicts may deny or deflect. Stay firm yet empathetic, reiterating your commitment to the relationship’s health.

Couples therapy can help unravel the addiction and accommodation patterns, fostering communication and accountability for both partners.

Addiction to pornography, gambling, or alcohol ravages relationships. Many couples can attest to the heartbreak of broken trust, financial ruin, and emotional distance. Partners are not to blame for the addiction, but understanding the emotional pattern empowers them to set boundaries and seek change. By initiating honest conversations and pursuing couples therapy, couples can begin to heal, reclaiming their relationship from the grip of addiction.

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Anxiety, Neurology, Podcast, Somatic Exercises

[VIDEO] Understanding Your Body’s Signals: A Neurologic Physical Therapist’s Insights on Pain, Healing, and Hope

Written by herecounseling

Living with unexplained dizziness, tremors, or weakness can feel like a daily battle. You might wake up dreading the moment you turn your head, fearing that spinning sensation will return. Or perhaps your hands shake when you reach for a cup, and you wonder if it’s all in your head—or if something’s seriously wrong. These symptoms can make you feel trapped, isolated, and desperate for answers.

At Casa Colina Hospital in Pomona, neurologic physical therapist Dan Humphrey works with people just like you, helping them navigate neurologic and somatic symptoms to reclaim their lives. In a recent podcast, Dan shared profound insights about how our bodies process pain, the power of neuroplasticity, and the surprising connection between mind and body. Here are the key lessons to help you understand your symptoms and find a path forward.

Your Body Is Speaking—Are You Listening?

Discover how neurologic physical therapy can decode your pain, promote healing, and restore hope to your journey.

Lesson 1: Your Brain Can Rewire Itself to Heal

If you’re struggling with symptoms like dizziness or weakness after a stroke, brain injury, or even stress, it’s easy to feel like your body is broken. But Dan emphasizes the incredible power of neuroplasticity—your brain’s ability to adapt and rewire itself. “We’re really relying on the neuroplasticity of the brain, the ability of the brain to change,” Dan explains. This means that even if part of your brain is damaged, nearby areas can step in to help, like borrowing strength from a neighboring bridge strut when one is weakened.

What This Means for You: Your symptoms don’t have to define you forever. Through targeted exercises and strategies, a neurologic physical therapist can guide your brain to form new pathways. For example, if you’ve lost strength in one hand after a stroke, practicing tasks like writing with that hand—even when it feels exhausting—can retrain your brain. Ask yourself: What small, meaningful task (like holding a pen or walking to the mailbox) could you practice to start this rewiring process?

Lesson 2: Pain and Symptoms Often Have Emotional Roots

You might feel your symptoms physically—shaking, dizziness, or numbness—but Dan’s work reveals that these can stem from emotional or psychological stress, especially in conditions like functional neurologic disorder (FND). He describes a patient who felt unsteady months after an ear infection cleared, driven by fear that moving her head would trigger vertigo again. “This was fear avoidant behavior,” Dan notes, treated through gradual exposure to movement, like picking up objects from the floor. This isn’t “all in your head” in a dismissive way—your brain’s fear response is amplifying real physical sensations.

What This Means for You: If you avoid activities like bending over or going outside because you’re scared of triggering symptoms, your brain might be stuck in a protective mode. This doesn’t mean your pain isn’t real; it means your nervous system is on high alert. Working with a therapist trained in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) or habituation techniques can help you safely face these triggers. Try this: Next time you feel a symptom flare, pause and ask, “Am I feeling anxious or unsafe?” Naming the emotion can be a first step to calming your body’s response.

Lesson 3: Meaningful Goals Make Healing Possible

Rehabilitation can feel grueling, especially when symptoms make everyday tasks daunting. Dan stresses that healing happens when you have a reason to push through. He worked with a patient with a spinal cord injury who loved fishing, so therapy focused on getting him back on a boat—not fixing his injury entirely, but enabling what mattered most. “How can we still get you doing the things that you care about?” Dan asks. This salience, or personal importance, drives your brain to adapt.

What This Means for You: Think about what you miss most—writing a note to a loved one, playing with your kids, or even gardening. These goals give your brain a “why” to rewire itself. Share these with your therapist so they can tailor exercises to what lights you up. For instance, if you want to write birthday cards again, practicing hand movements with that goal in mind can feel less like a chore and more like a step toward joy. What’s one activity you’d love to reclaim, and how could you start practicing it today?

Lesson 4: Your Mind and Body Are Inseparable

You might feel frustrated when doctors can’t find a clear cause for your symptoms on a scan, or worse, suggest it’s “psychological.” Dan challenges this outdated separation of mind and body, rooted in historical ideas from philosophers like Plato. Modern science shows “very real interactions between the mind and body that require treatment in both senses,” he says. For example, a woman with tremors had no physical cause on tests, but her symptoms eased when Dan helped her face feared movements in a safe space, reducing her brain’s stress response.

What This Means for You: Your symptoms might feel purely physical, but stress, trauma, or anxiety can amplify them. This isn’t your fault—it’s how your brain prioritizes threats. A holistic approach, combining physical therapy with mental health support, can address both sides. If you’re told “it’s all in your head,” seek providers who validate your experience and offer tools like graded exposure or mindfulness. Reflect: Could talking to a counselor about stress or past trauma complement your physical therapy?

Lesson 5: You Have the Power to Take Charge

It’s easy to feel helpless when symptoms persist, especially if you’ve tried treatments that didn’t work. Dan believes in self-efficacy—empowering you to drive your own recovery. He tells patients, “I didn’t do anything. I just bossed you around!” to emphasize their role in their success. For one patient, suggesting she find her own path outside his care sparked a shift toward ownership. “The work’s been done… This for the rest is up to you,” Dan says.

What This Means for You: You’re not just a passenger in your healing journey. Small choices—like doing prescribed exercises, asking questions about your treatment, or exploring new therapies—build confidence. If a provider’s approach isn’t clicking, it’s okay to seek someone who resonates with you. A strong therapeutic alliance, where you feel heard and supported, can make all the difference. Try this: Write down one question to ask your doctor or therapist at your next visit to feel more in control.

Healing Starts With Understanding

Learn how personalized care from a neurologic physical therapist can help you reconnect with your body and regain your life.

A Path Forward for Your Healing

Your symptoms—whether dizziness, tremors, or unexplained pain—are real, and they’re your body’s way of signaling that it needs help. As Dan Humphrey’s work shows, healing isn’t just about fixing a broken part; it’s about teaching your brain new ways to move, calming its fear responses, and reconnecting with what makes life meaningful. Your brain is adaptable, your emotions are valid, and you have the strength to take charge.

If you’re ready to explore these ideas, consider reaching out to a neurologic physical therapist or a mental health professional who understands the mind-body connection. At Casa Colina, experts like Dan are dedicated to helping you rebuild independence, one meaningful step at a time. What’s the first step you’ll take today to listen to your body and start healing?

Our Pasadena Therapists

Anxiety, EMDR, Managing emotions

How Does Trauma Change my Brain? Discover How Your Brain is Built to Heal

Written by herecounseling

Trauma can leave a lasting mark on your life—maybe you’re on edge all the time, or it’s hard to feel like yourself. You’re not alone, and it’s not your fault. Trauma changes how your brain works, but here’s the good news: your brain can heal. This blog is for anyone thinking about starting trauma therapy. We’ll answer common questions you might have about what trauma does to your brain, why it feels so overwhelming, and how therapy can help you take back control.

Questions about how trauma impacts your brain:

Why do I have trouble with emotions and memories after trauma?
Why does my trauma feel different from others’ experiences?
Do my genetics affect how trauma impacts me?
How does trauma impact my brain chemistry?
Can my brain really heal from trauma?
How can therapy help my brain process trauma?
How does trauma affect my focus, relationships, or health?

Trauma Reshapes the Brain—But So Can Healing

Explore how your brain is wired for recovery and how therapy can help you reclaim peace and balance.

Q1: Why do I have trouble with emotions and memories after trauma?

Our brains are shaped by our experiences, especially emotional and social ones. The prefrontal cortex, a key part of your brain, helps you feel safe and navigate relationships. It prioritizes learning how relationships work and what can go wrong. When you’ve experienced significant emotional or relational trauma, your brain shows some general changes. You might notice reduced activity in the prefrontal areas, which help with reasoning and emotional control, and hyper-arousal in limbic areas, like the amygdala, which signal danger.

This hyper-arousal means your brain is constantly anticipating a catastrophe, much like someone with a past back injury who stays tense to protect themselves. You might feel hyper-vigilant, always watching for the next “attack.” This makes it hard to regulate emotions, which involves both sides of your frontal lobe—areas responsible for narration, language, reason, morality, comfort, and inhibition. These areas need a lot of energy, and when you’re in a fight-or-flight state, it’s tough to access them without help from caring people.

Memory is affected too. Forming memories often requires your frontal lobe to focus attention, but trauma can make this difficult. Your hippocampus, which helps store memories, shows reduced activity, and old fear patterns take over. Here’s what this might look like:

What You Might Feel	What’s Happening in Your Brain	Brain Area Involved
Constantly on edge or jumpy	Your brain’s alarm system is overly active	Amygdala
Struggling to control emotions	The “calm down” part is overwhelmed	Prefrontal Cortex
Memory gaps or feeling disconnected	Stress disrupts your memory storage	Hippocampus

These changes vary depending on the trauma and your support system, both then and now.

What this looks like day-to-day

If you feel panicked in crowded places, it might be your amygdala overreacting, like a car alarm going off at a leaf falling.

What the research says

Shin et al. (2005) found increased amygdala activity and decreased prefrontal cortex activation in PTSD, explaining hyper-vigilance and emotional struggles. A functional magnetic resonance imaging study of amygdala and medial prefrontal cortex responses to overtly presented fearful faces in posttraumatic stress disorder

Quick tips on trauma, emotions, and memory:

Trauma reduces activity in your prefrontal cortex, making emotional control harder.
Hyper-active limbic areas keep you on edge, anticipating danger.
Memory formation suffers due to stress on the hippocampus.
Support from others can help your brain recover.

Q2: Why does my trauma feel different from others’ experiences?

There’s a big difference between one-time trauma and ongoing trauma in how your brain learns to develop, manage information, and respond. A single event, like a car accident or a betrayal, creates specific issues that don’t usually spread to every part of your life. For example, if you had a secure childhood with supportive mentors but experienced a car crash, you might get anxious about driving but not feel generally unsafe.

Chronic trauma, like ongoing childhood maltreatment, tends to generalize, affecting how your brain organizes and responds to all information. Daniel Stern, a developmental psychologist, called these “Representations of Interactions that have been Generalized” (RIGs). The earlier and more pervasive the trauma, the more it shapes your mental activity. For instance, if you faced abandonment before age two, it’s more likely to develop into a personality disorder. Later one-time events might lead to something like depression or specific fears instead.

What experts say about early trauma

“The infant’s experience is organized by repeated interactions with caregivers, forming generalized representations that shape future expectations.” – Daniel Stern, The Interpersonal World of the Infant (1985) [https://www.basicbooks.com/titles/daniel-n-stern/the-interpersonal-world-of-the-infant/9780465095897/]

Chronic trauma in early life can make you expect danger everywhere, but even specific traumas can feel heavy—both can be worked through in therapy.

De Bellis (2002) showed that early maltreatment has lasting effects on brain development, supporting the idea of generalized impacts. Developmental traumatology: The psychobiological development of maltreated children and its implications for research, treatment, and policy

Quick tips on chronic trauma vs episodic trauma

One-time trauma creates specific triggers, like fear of driving after an accident.
Chronic trauma affects how your brain handles all information.
Early trauma, especially before age two, can lead to deeper issues like personality disorders.
Your unique experience shapes how trauma affects you.

Q3: Do my genetics affect how trauma impacts me?

Genetics are complex, and we’re just starting to understand them. Years ago, we thought genes directly controlled how our brains and bodies respond, but it’s more nuanced. Your lived experiences can influence how your genes are expressed and even affect what you pass on to your kids through epigenetics. Roughly, about 50% of how you respond to trauma is genetic, and 50% is your life experiences. But we might be overestimating the role of genetics—your environment, like the support you have, matters a lot.

For example, if you have a supportive friend or family member, it can make trauma feel less overwhelming. Without that, your brain might struggle more to process the stress.

True et al. (1993) estimated 30-40% heritability for PTSD, showing genetics play a role but not the whole story. A twin study of genetic and environmental contributions to liability for posttraumatic stress symptoms

For example, if you grew up with a loving caregiver, your brain might lean on that strength to cope with a later trauma, like a job loss, compared to someone without that support.

Quick tips on genetics and trauma

Genetics influence about half of how trauma affects you, but experiences are just as important.
Supportive relationships can lessen trauma’s impact.
Your unique background shapes your brain’s response.

Q4: How does trauma impact my brain chemistry?

Your brain’s chemical systems, like the HPA axis and neurotransmitters (serotonin, dopamine, norepinephrine), play a big role in how trauma affects you. Serotonin, which we can think of as your “social belonging” system, helps you feel safe and resilient. When it’s low, you might feel disconnected or lonely. Dopamine is about agency and motivation—when it’s off, you might struggle to focus on goals or feel hopeful. Norepinephrine fuels your energy to respond to situations, but chronic stress can exhaust this system, leading to what’s sometimes called adrenal fatigue, where you feel drained and overwhelmed.

For example, in a fight-or-flight state, your HPA axis might be overworked, leaving you feeling wired but tired. Therapy can help by restoring safety, which lets these systems recover.

Yehuda (2002) noted HPA axis changes in PTSD, linking chronic stress to exhaustion. Post-traumatic stress disorder

Feeling tired or disconnected isn’t just “in your head”—it’s your brain’s chemistry reacting to stress, and therapy can help balance it.

Quick tips on trauma and brain chemistry

Low serotonin can make you feel disconnected from others.
Low dopamine reduces motivation and focus.
Overworked norepinephrine and HPA axis lead to adrenal fatigue.
Safety through therapy helps these systems recover.

Q5: Can my brain really heal from trauma?

Yes, your brain can heal through neuroplasticity, its ability to adapt and reorganize. When you’re younger, your brain is more flexible, quickly adapting to your environment. But even as an adult, this capacity fluctuates. When you feel fearful and alone, your brain becomes less open to new information—it’s like it’s locked in survival mode. But when you feel safe and secure, your brain can afford the energy to reorganize and heal. Social relationships, like those with a therapist or loved ones, are key to making this happen.

Davidson & McEwen (2012) found that social support promotes neuroplasticity, aiding recovery. Social influences on neuroplasticity: Stress and interventions to promote well-being

For example, imagine your brain like a garden path—trauma might have worn it down, but therapy is like planting new seeds with someone guiding you.

Quick tips on healing from trauma and neuroplasticity

Neuroplasticity lets your brain adapt and heal.
Feeling safe with others makes your brain more flexible.
Therapy creates the conditions for healing.

Q6: How can therapy help my brain process trauma?

Therapies like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and TF-CBT (Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) help your brain heal. EMDR promotes safety through its structured approach, oscillating between facing painful memories and returning to a calm state. This helps your brain process trauma through bilateral stimulation, though some studies suggest the real benefit comes from the therapist’s ability to co-regulate with you—helping you feel safe enough to process overwhelming emotions. The therapist’s presence is like borrowing their calm to handle what feels too big alone.

Stickgold (2002) suggested EMDR’s bilateral stimulation mimics REM sleep, aiding memory processing. EMDR: A putative neurobiological mechanism of action

Therapy isn’t just about talking—it’s about helping your brain feel safe to engage in a natural healing mode.

Your Brain Can Heal—Let’s Begin That Journey

Understand the science of trauma and discover how compassionate therapy supports lasting transformation.

Quick tips on trauma therapy

EMDR helps by alternating between pain and safety, with the therapist’s support.
The therapeutic relationship is key to processing overwhelming emotions.
Safety helps you heal

Q7: How does trauma impact my brain’s structure?

Beyond the well-known brain areas, trauma affects other regions like the anterior cingulate cortex (ACC), which is shaped by secure mentorship and parenting. The ACC helps you lean into challenges, knowing you can bounce back. When trauma leaves you feeling alone, this area can become deficient, making you feel like all pain must be avoided or that there’s no way out. This can show up as trouble focusing (like in ADHD), difficulty trusting others, or even physical symptoms like chronic fatigue from stress.

For example, you might avoid social events because they feel overwhelming, or you might get sick more often because stress weakens your body. Therapy can help by rebuilding these brain areas, improving your focus, connections, and health.

Thomaes et al. (2013) found altered ACC function in complex PTSD, affecting emotion regulation and focus. Increased anterior cingulate cortex and hippocampus activation in Complex PTSD during encoding of negative words

For example, if you struggle to finish tasks because your mind feels scattered, it might be your ACC reacting to past trauma—but therapy can help you regain clarity.

Quick tips on trauma and brain structures

Trauma affects the ACC, making it hard to focus or face challenges.
This can lead to struggles with relationships or physical health.
Therapy helps rebuild these brain areas for better functioning.

Take the First Step with Trauma Therapy

Trauma may have changed your brain, but it doesn’t define you. With therapy, you can feel calmer, more connected, and in control again. If you’re thinking about starting trauma therapy, you’re already taking a brave step. Reach out to us (#) to learn how we can support your healing journey. You don’t have to do this alone—your brain is ready to heal, and we’re here to help.

Our Trauma Therapists

Healthy Relationships

Top 5 Reasons Couples Go to Therapy in Pasadena

Written by herecounseling

Is couples therapy in Pasadena right for your relationship? We crawled though forums and reviews to give you the common issues that cause people to start couples therapy in Pasadena.

If you’re reading this, chances are your relationship feels like it’s hit a wall. Maybe you’re caught in a cycle of arguments that never resolve, or perhaps there’s a quiet distance growing between you and your partner that you can’t quite explain. You might feel overwhelmed, confused, or even a little ashamed for wondering if therapy could help. First, let me say this: you’re not alone in feeling this way. Relationships are messy, and right now, you’re probably wrestling with some big questions about what’s normal and whether seeking help is the right move.

Here’s what might be running through your mind:

Is my relationship really in trouble, or is this just a rough patch?
Are we the only couple struggling like this?
Will therapy actually fix anything, or is it just a waste of time?
What if my partner thinks therapy is ridiculous and won’t go?
How do I even find someone in Pasadena who can help us?

These doubts are totally valid. And they often come up because something in your relationship feels off—enough to make you wonder if couples therapy might be the answer.

Signs that point couples toward starting couples therapy

Endless arguments over little stuff, like who’s supposed to do the dishes.
A disconnect that’s left you feeling more like roommates than lovers.
Trust issues—maybe from infidelity or just a nagging sense of doubt.
Conversations that always end in frustration because you can’t get through to each other.
A drop-off in intimacy, leaving you lonely even when you’re together.
Big fights about money, kids, or the future that keep coming up unresolved.

If any of this hits home, take a deep breath. These struggles don’t mean your relationship is doomed—they mean you’re human. And here’s the thing: plenty of couples in Pasadena are dealing with the exact same stuff. You might look around at the happy faces at Old Town cafes or the Rose Bowl and think everyone else has it together, but that’s not the full story. Behind closed doors, many are quietly wondering, “Is it normal to need help?” Spoiler: yes, it absolutely is. Seeking therapy isn’t a red flag—it’s a sign you’re ready to fight for what matters. In a bustling place like Pasadena, where life’s pressures can amplify relationship stress, turning to a professional isn’t just common; it’s smart.

Strengthen Your Relationship with Expert Couples Therapy

Whether you’re facing communication issues or feeling disconnected, compassionate support is available. Start couples therapy in Pasadena and rebuild your bond—together.

We did the research: Here’s what Pasadena Couples are Saying

We searched forums and reviews that featured Pasadena couples looking for therapy. These are real reviews and comments on real experiences—not polished therapist websites. Then we grouped comments into categories so you can see the kinds of issues Pasadena couples are facing.

Here’s what each reason looks like, complete with a quote from a real person, an overview of the core issue, a daily example, and the core EFT skill that can help.

#1: Heated Arguments

Pasadena Couples on Heated Arguments:

“We can’t even discuss dinner plans without yelling. It’s exhausting.”

How do heated arguments impact couples?

When communication breaks down, small misunderstandings can snowball into major conflicts and heated arguments. Couples might feel like they’re speaking different languages, leaving them frustrated and disconnected. They might yell or have difficulty resolving an argument. For some couples, the same heated argument comes up over and over with no real resolution.

For example, one partner tries to plan a weekend getaway, suggesting a beach trip. The other, feeling ignored, snaps, “You never consider what I want!” Instead of resolving it, the discussion spirals into a shouting match about unrelated past issues.

What skill helps with heated arguments?

Couples with heated arguments need the safety to slow down and express the emotions beneath the surface—like feeling unappreciated or afraid of being dismissed. This shift is what EFT calls moving from “secondary affect” to “primary affect”. This shift helps them respond to each other’s deeper needs instead of just the words being thrown around, increasing connection and affection.

#2: Infidelity

Pasadena Couples on Infidelity:

“After they cheated, I want to move on, but I can’t stop doubting them.”

How does infidelity impact couples?

Trust is the bedrock of a relationship, and when it’s shattered—whether by infidelity or smaller betrayals—the emotional fallout can feel like an open wound. Couples in this situation on average spend up to 5 years (if without therapy) resolving the issue, if it doesn’t end the relationship.

One partner might compulsively check the other’s phone, haunted by the fear of being hurt again. Even a simple “I’ll be late from work” text can spark tension, suspicion, and a cold silence that lasts all night.

What skill helps couples repair from infidelity?

Therapy will help both partners learn to face the pain head-on. The one who broke trust learns to own the damage and offer consistent reassurance, while the hurt partner voices their need for safety. Together, they rebuild a secure attachment step by step. It involves the difficult but important work of expressing emotionally without suppressing, and taking responsibility without being overwhelmed by shame.

#3: Intimacy and Sex issues

Pasadena Couples on Intimacy and Sex:

“We haven’t touched each other in weeks. I don’t know how to bring it up.”

How do problems with intimacy and sex impact couples?

Intimacy goes beyond the physical—it’s about feeling truly connected. When that fades, couples can end up feeling like strangers, even when they’re side by side. This disconnection cascades into other areas of the couple’s lives, often spurring on heated arguments, resentment, and distance.

Couples who have problems with intimacy and sex can feel distant all the time. Evenings once spent cuddling now involve scrolling phones in silence or watching separate shows. Attempts at deeper talks fizzle out, leaving a quiet ache of loneliness.

What skill helps couples with intimacy and sex issues?

Within an EFT framework, couples work on naming and sharing their vulnerable feelings—like the longing to feel wanted or close again. By opening up, they start to mend the emotional distance and rediscover their bond. The issue isn’t usually with sex itself, but with obstacles to emotional closeness or safety that have built up over time, even from before the start of the relationship. Couples can learn the skill of making room to talk about their fears, insecurities, and even resentments. This can help couples move through these issues and create intimacy again.

#4: Life Transitions

Pasadena Couples on Life Transitions:

“Since we moved here for work, it’s like we’re strangers arguing all the time.”

How do life transitions impact couples in Pasadena?

Major life changes—whether it’s a new baby, a move, or a career shift—can throw a relationship off balance. Couples might struggle to adapt, feeling out of sync with each other.

For example, after having a baby, one partner feels swamped by diaper duty while the other feels pushed aside. What starts as a discussion about chores turns into a heated argument about who’s sacrificing more. The new change puts stress on the relationship, exposing cracks that usually remain suppressed.

What skill helps couples through life transitions?

In therapy couples learn to express how these changes stir up attachment fears—like feeling abandoned or overwhelmed. They learn to ask for support and offer comfort, keeping their connection strong through the storm. This skill makes the difference between being overwhelmed and disconnected, and being close and safe together.

#5: Addiction

Pasadena Couples on Addiction:

“I never thought my partner’s drinking would affect us this much. It’s like we’re constantly walking on eggshells, and I don’t know how to help anymore.”

How Addiction impacts Couples in Pasadena

Addiction—whether to substances, gambling, or behaviors—can devastate a relationship, creating a web of codependency, mistrust, and emotional pain. It’s a common reason couples seek help, as it erodes the foundation of their bond.

For example, one partner comes home late, again, smelling of alcohol. The other, exhausted and hurt, tries to confont them, but it ends in defensiveness and withdrawal. The cycle repeats, leaving both feeling trapped and helpless. Sometimes one partner will feel like it’s all up to them to help the other stop the addiction or get help, creating resentment and further issues.

What skill helps couples overcome addiction wounds?

In couples therapy, couples learn to explore the emotional triggers and unmet attachment needs driving the addiction. Therapy creates a safe space for both to express their pain and fears, helping them rebuild trust and address the root causes together. This core skill is the domino that helps couples create further change and address the addiction pattern long term. Our therapist, McKenzie Laird, works often with couples in this situation.

Quick Guide to Pasadena Couples Therapy Issues

Here’s a quick snapshot of these challenges in a table, summarizing the reasons couples in Pasadena are seeking therapy. These insights are generated from forums and reviews from couples in Pasadena:

Couples Issue	What it Looks Like	Quotes from Pasadena Couples
Heated Arguments	Arguments that spiral, feeling unheard, or talking past each other.	“We can’t even discuss dinner plans without yelling. It’s exhausting.”
Infidelity	Suspicion, betrayal, or a trust gap that won’t close.	“After they cheated, I want to move on, but I can’t stop doubting them.”
Intimacy and Sex Issues	Emotional or physical distance that leaves you disconnected.	“We haven’t touched each other in weeks. I don’t know how to bring it up.”
Life Transitions	Stress from kids, moves, or jobs throwing everything off balance.	“Since we moved here for work, it’s like we’re strangers arguing all the time.”
Addiction	Cycles of substance use or behaviors that erode trust and connection.	“I never thought my partner’s drinking would affect us this much. It’s like we’re constantly walking on eggshells.”

The Eaton Fire Has Stressed Relationships in Pasadena

Beyond these everyday struggles, external stressors can push relationships to their breaking point—or their turning point. The Eaton fire, a devastating wildfire that struck Pasadena in January 2025, is a prime example. With evacuations, destroyed homes, and a shaken community, this disaster added a layer of stress that many couples weren’t prepared for. While specific stories from the Eaton fire are still emerging, the general impact of such catastrophes on relationships is clear: they can put unwanted stress on a relationship.

The stress of fleeing your home, losing property, or simply living with the uncertainty of recovery can bring underlying issues to the surface. Couples might argue more over money as they face financial strain, feel disconnected while processing their own trauma, or struggle to support each other when they’re both barely holding on. It’s a pressure cooker that can amplify communication breakdowns, trust issues, or emotional distance.

Yet, catastrophes can also be transformative. When couples open themselves up to the moment—acknowledging the pain and leaning into each other—they can find a new perspective. The Eaton fire might have challenged your relationship, but it can also be a chance to change and build something stronger. In therapy, EFT helps couples turn toward each other, express their fears and needs, and find comfort in their partnership amid the chaos. It’s not about pretending the stress doesn’t exist—it’s about facing it together and letting it reshape your bond for the better.

How to Start Couples Therapy in Pasadena

Still on the fence? Let’s bust some myths. Therapy isn’t just for “failing” couples—it’s for anyone who wants to grow. Studies show it works: couples therapy can boost satisfaction and connection, often with lasting results (Lebow et al., 2020). It’s not a magic fix, but it’s a space to figure things out together. And in a city like Pasadena, where therapists are plenty and options range from affordable to specialized, help is closer than you think.

We have in-person sessions available for couples therapy in Pasadena. Click the links below to find a therapist and schedule a free consultation:

View Our Pasadena Therapists

View Our Couples Therapists

Podcast, Somatic Exercises

[VIDEO] How to Heal Anger with Somatic Therapy

Written by herecounseling

For many, emotions like anger or anxiety feel like storms to be avoided, suppressed, or controlled. Yet, in somatic therapy, these waves are not threats but messengers, carrying vital signals from the body.

This article, inspired by a conversation with somatic therapist Arianne MacBean, LMFT, explores how somatic therapy can help those who fear facing emotions like anger or anxiety. We’ll debunk common misconceptions, offer a framework for approaching these feelings through somatic awareness, and provide practical insights for navigating this transformative process.

The Fear of Feeling: Why Emotions Feel Dangerous

For many, emotions like anger or anxiety are not just uncomfortable—they feel like wildfires threatening to consume. Arianne, a somatic therapist with a background in dance, describes clients who enter therapy desperate to “make the feeling go away.” They seek a quick fix, an exercise to extinguish the panic attack or silence the rage. This urgency stems from a deep-seated belief that these emotions are dangerous, chaotic forces that must be controlled to maintain safety or social acceptance.

This fear often has roots in early experiences. Arianne explains that many clients learned as children that expressing strong emotions crossed invisible boundaries, leading to punishment or disconnection from caregivers. Over time, they internalized the idea that to be “good” means to flatline emotionally, suppressing anger or anxiety to avoid conflict or rejection. Society reinforces this, rewarding emotional restraint as a hallmark of success or maturity. Yet, this suppression comes at a cost: the emotions don’t vanish; they fester, manifesting as numbness, addiction, or explosive outbursts that reinforce the belief that feelings are bad.

Release Anger from the Inside Out

Somatic therapy can help you reconnect with your body, understand your anger, and process it safely. Start working with a Pasadena therapist trained in somatic approaches today.

Common Misconceptions About Emotions in Somatic Therapy

Somatic therapy, which emphasizes the body’s role in processing emotions, often challenges these ingrained beliefs. However, misconceptions can make clients hesitant to engage. Here are three common myths Arianne encounters:

Emotions Must Be Controlled or Erased:

Many clients believe therapy should provide a switch to turn off unwanted feelings. They view anger or anxiety as external invaders, not internal signals. Arianne counters this by suggesting that these emotions are not problems to solve but messages to listen to, offering clues about unmet needs or unresolved pain.

Feeling Emotions Means Getting Stuck in Pain:

Clients fear that exploring anger or anxiety will trap them in a cycle of suffering. Arianne acknowledges this concern but emphasizes that somatic therapy is about being with the emotion, not drowning in it. By observing sensations neutrally, clients can move through the wave rather than being overwhelmed by it.

Emotional Health Means Being Calm All the Time:

Some clients equate mental health with a flat, unbothered state, mistaking emotional suppression for stability. Arianne debunks this, noting that emotional health involves dynamic waves of feeling—cortisol spikes, relief, frustration, joy—that give life rhythm and purpose.

A Somatic Framework: Riding the Wave of Emotion

Somatic therapy invites clients to shift their relationship with emotions, viewing them as bodily sensations rather than enemies. Arianne’s approach, informed by her dance background, likens this process to a dance with the body’s signals. Here’s a framework for approaching anger or anxiety through somatic awareness:

1. Observe, Don’t Oppose

When anxiety surges or anger flares, the instinct is to fight or flee. Arianne encourages clients to adopt a neutral, observational stance instead. Imagine standing on the shore, watching the wave approach without trying to push it back. In therapy, this might mean noticing where anger lives in the body—perhaps a clenched jaw or tight chest—and simply naming the sensation. This act of observing reduces the tug-of-war between chaos and control, allowing the emotion to exist without overwhelming.

2. Trust the Body’s Wisdom

The body, Arianne explains, is always communicating, even when we numb its signals. Anger might erupt to demand attention, while anxiety might signal a need for safety. Somatic therapy trusts that these sensations are not random but purposeful, rooted in the “pure self” present from birth. By tuning into subtle cues—heat in the hands, a hollow stomach—clients reconnect with this innate wisdom, uncovering insights about their needs or unresolved experiences.

3. Move Through, Not Away

Suppression is like holding a beach ball underwater; it takes immense energy and eventually bursts free. Arianne advocates moving through emotions by embodying them safely. For example, her interactive journal prompts clients to throw the book against a wall to express anger physically, honoring its purpose without letting it fester. This movement—whether through breath, gesture, or writing—helps emotions flow, preventing the numbness or explosions that come from suppression.

4. Grow the Container

Arianne references Daniel Siegel’s metaphor of a cup to explain how somatic therapy builds emotional capacity. If two tablespoons of salt (pain) are in a small espresso cup of water (your capacity), the taste is overwhelming. Somatic therapy grows the container—your ability to hold pain—into a bathtub, where the same salt is diluted and manageable. By mindfully engaging with sensations, clients expand their resilience, finding that anger or anxiety no longer consumes them.

Confronting the Fear: What to Expect in Somatic Therapy

For those fearful of facing emotions, somatic therapy can feel like stepping into a storm. Arianne acknowledges this courage, noting that clients often arrive feeling stuck or numb, unaware of the suppressed waves beneath. The process begins gently, with the therapist building trust by listening to the client’s story—about their day, their family—while subtly noting bodily cues. A clenched fist or shallow breath becomes an entry point, sparking curiosity: “What’s happening in your shoulder right now?”

As clients explore these sensations, they may encounter resistance, fearing that anger will make them “bad” or anxiety will spiral out of control. Arianne reassures them that these feelings are already present, part of the body’s natural rhythm. The goal is not to amplify pain but to acknowledge it, allowing it to shift. Over time, clients discover that anger points to unmet desires for connection, while anxiety signals a need for safety, guiding them toward change.

Somatic Therapy’s Promise: Rewilding the Self

Arianne describes somatic therapy as a return to the “wild,” a reclaiming of the vibrant, intuitive self suppressed by societal norms. This rewilding doesn’t mean unleashing chaos but rediscovering the body’s capacity to feel, adapt, and heal. Like a dancer finding the rhythm of a new piece, clients learn to move with their emotions, trusting that each wave carries them closer to their true self.

FAQ About Anger and Somatic Therapy

Q: Will somatic therapy make my anger worse?

A: While exploring anger can feel intense, somatic therapy is designed to help you move through feelings safely, not amplify them. A skilled therapist paces the process to prevent overwhelm.

Q: How long does it take to feel better?

A: Progress varies, but somatic therapy often creates shifts in the moment of observation. Consistent practice can lead to lasting changes over weeks or months.

Q: Do I need to be physically active for somatic therapy?

A: No, somatic therapy focuses on bodily awareness, which can involve subtle movements, breath, or simply noticing sensations, adaptable to all physical abilities.

Quick-Guide Summary: Facing Emotions with Somatic Therapy

Observe Neutrally: Notice bodily sensations like tightness or heat without trying to change them.
Trust Your Body: View emotions as signals guiding you toward needs or insights.
Move Through Feelings: Use safe expressions like writing or gentle movement to let emotions flow.
Build Capacity: Grow your ability to hold emotions without being overwhelmed, like expanding a container.
Embrace the Wild: Reconnect with your intuitive self, trusting that emotions are part of your vitality.

By approaching anger or anxiety as waves to ride rather than storms to flee, somatic therapy offers a path to emotional freedom, one sensation at a time.

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