Childhood trauma healing
Managing emotions

How Long to Heal Childhood Trauma? 1-3 Years with Therapy, Research Says

You’ve carried it quietly for decades: that knot in your chest from a childhood home laced with shouts, neglect, or worse. Now, as an adult, it sneaks in: explosive reactions in relationships, executive function fog, or a vague “stuck” feeling amid life’s fires (literal or not). If you’re asking, How long until I feel whole?breathe. Survivors like you arrive resilient but weary, often after losses amplify old wounds. Science affirms: Healing isn’t endless; with therapy, it’s a structured journey to freedom. Here’s what research reveals, and steps to lighten your load.

What Percentage of Adults Recover from Childhood Trauma?

Hearteningly, 60-80% achieve significant recovery with trauma-informed therapy, regaining trust and vitality. Without? Only 20-30% naturally process it, as unhealed trauma doubles risks for anxiety or relational rifts. Longitudinal studies show EMDR or somatic therapy yields 70% symptom reduction lasting 2+ years.

Why Childhood Trauma Lingers (And Feels Like a Shadow in Adulthood)

Trauma rewires the brain’s alarm system, turning safety into scarcity. Genetic and environmental factors (abusive homes, chronic stress) create vulnerability, with 40-50% heritability in responses. For clients post-fires or breakups, it resurfaces as dissociation or hypervigilance, echoing that young self’s survival mode.

Childhood Trauma Recovery Timeline: How Long Does It Take?

Timelines vary by chronicity: Acute (single events) heals in months, but ongoing abuse? 1-3 years with therapy. Expect 3-6 months for safety, 6-18 for processing, and 1-3 years for integration. A pilot study of trauma therapy found 65% “life-changing” relief by year 1.

Factors That Shape Your Trauma Healing Timeline

The speed at which a person heals from childhood trauma depends on:

  • Trauma Type: Physical/emotional (faster, 1-2 years) vs. complex (2-3+ years).
  • Support Network: Strong ties cut time by 30%; isolation extends it.
  • Therapy Modality: Somatic/EMDR therapy accelerates by 40% over talk-alone.
  • Co-Occurring Issues: ADHD or anxiety (common in requests) adds 6 months but responds well to integrated care.

What Are the Stages of Healing from Childhood Trauma?

Let’s outline five core stages of therapy for childhood trauma. These stages are a broad overview of what to expect, based on our experience taking clients through EMDR, Somatic, and psychoanalytic therapy.

  1. Safety & Stabilization (Months 1-3): Establish resources and a therapeutic alliance to feel secure.
  2. Awareness & Assessment (Months 3-6): Identify and acknowledge trauma targets through gentle exploration.
  3. Processing & Discharge (Months 6-12): Access and express trauma via bilateral stimulation or titration.
  4. Integration & Reconnection (Months 12-18): Build new internal resources for coping, regulating, and expressing emotions in a healthy way.
  5. Reevaluation & Maintenance (Months 18+): Build lifelong tools that promote connection and agency throughout life.

These stages often overlap or cycle, but clients frequently describe a profound shift, like one who said, “Processing unlocked the freeze in my chest—now I breathe freer than I have in years.”

StageFocusTypical DurationKey Practice
SafetyBuild security and resources1-3 monthsGrounding and alliance-building
AwarenessAcknowledge wounds3-6 monthsSensation tracking and memory mapping
ProcessingRelease held energy6-12 monthsEMDR sets or titration exercises
IntegrationRewire beliefs and reconnect12-18 monthsPositive cognition installation and narrative shifts
ReevaluationSustain growth18+ monthsProgress reviews and self-care rituals

Therapy for Childhood Trauma vs. No Therapy

Solo efforts help short-term, but therapy triples recovery odds, halving timelines. Without? Symptoms fester, raising relapse to 70%. Somatic therapy, ideal for your fire survivors, targets body-stored pain for 80% faster relief.

ApproachRecovery RateTimelineSymptom Reduction
No Therapy (Self-Help)20-30%3+ years (variable)20-40%
With Therapy60-80%1-3 years60-70%

Frequently Asked Questions About Healing Childhood Trauma

Can childhood trauma cause PTSD in adults?

Yes, childhood trauma significantly increases the risk of developing PTSD later in life, as it alters brain responses to stress and safety. Therapy like EMDR can help reprocess these early experiences to reduce PTSD symptoms effectively.

How do I know if I have unresolved childhood trauma?

Signs include chronic anxiety, relationship difficulties, or unexplained emotional triggers that echo past events. Reflecting on questions like “Was your home a safe place?” can help identify patterns worth exploring in therapy.

Does childhood trauma ever go away?

Childhood trauma doesn’t fully disappear but can be integrated and managed, allowing you to live without its constant shadow. With consistent therapy, most people report reduced impact and greater emotional freedom over time.

What are the signs of childhood trauma in adults?

Common indicators are low self-esteem, hypervigilance, or avoidance in relationships, often stemming from early instability. Recognizing these early paves the way for healing through targeted interventions like somatic therapy.

How long does it take to heal from childhood trauma?

Healing timelines vary from months for acute cases to 1-3 years for complex trauma with therapy support. Factors like support networks and therapy type play key roles in accelerating progress.

Is Trauma Therapy Right for Your Childhood Wounds?

If echoes disrupt your peace, therapy transforms shadows into strength. Approaches like somatic or EMDR can help, turning survival into thriving.

Healing starts with one brave step. Schedule a free consultation with one of our therapists that specialize in childhood trauma work.

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Healing Panic Attacks in Pasadena
Anxiety

Panic Attacks Can Take 3-12 Months to Recover, Research Says

“How long will these panic attack episodes last? When will peace return?”

It can be overwhelming to have panic attacks. They’re unexpected, scary, and can impact your social and work life dramatically. Part of the concern is not knowing why the panic attacks happen or what is needed to heal from panic attacks. The good news? Panic attacks can be treated, and many people recover within 3-12 months, when treated.

So what makes the difference for those who are able to resolve panic attacks?

In this article, you’ll learn about the treatment process for panic attacks. By the end, you’ll have a map of what recovery looks like and what exactly will give you the best chances of success. We provide therapy for people with panic attacks in Pasadena and Los Angeles, and we’ve seen first hand how people can experience freedom from panic attacks when they engage in self-exploration and self-care. Let’s dig in and help you get a clear idea of the road to healing for panic attacks.

60-80% of People Achieve Significant Recovery from Panic Disorder with Proper Treatment

Research demonstrates that with targeted therapies such as EMDR, somatic therapy, or psychodynamic approaches, 60-80% of individuals with panic disorder experience substantial symptom reduction or full remission, marked by fewer attacks, restored confidence, and improved quality of life. Without intervention, recovery rates hover at 20-40%, with symptoms often persisting chronically or escalating to include avoidance behaviors. Early engagement and trauma-informed care enhance outcomes, shifting recurrent terror into manageable experiences and fostering lasting resilience.

Panic Attacks Inflict Deep Trauma-Like Pain on Individuals and Their Loved Ones

Panic attacks assault the core of one’s sense of safety, transforming ordinary situations into visceral onslaughts of fear, disconnection, and exhaustion. This acute distress echoes trauma responses, frequently heightened by fears of recurrence, leading to hypervigilance, isolation, or somatic complaints. The aftershocks ripple through relationships, breeding frustration and helplessness, but recognizing this as a trauma-like ordeal unlocks pathways to empathetic, body-centered healing.

Panic Attacks Arise from Genetic, Environmental, and Contextual Factors

Panic attacks, often part of panic disorder, originate from a tangled web of genetic vulnerabilities, environmental stressors, and contextual disruptions, especially amid life’s transitional pressures.

Genetic Factors

Genetically, a substantial heritable link exists, with family history raising susceptibility through inherited neurochemical imbalances, brain circuitry variations, and predispositions to anxiety responses—genetics may contribute 30-50% to panic disorder risk. Individuals might carry sensitivities that, when triggered, amplify fear signals.

Environmental Factors

Environmentally, influences like chronic stress, caffeine or substance use, major life changes, and cultural pressures to suppress emotions heighten risk, often interacting with genetics to precipitate attacks. People frequently link triggers to overwhelming situations.

Contextual Factors

Contextually, interpersonal and situational elements are key: family conflicts or overprotectiveness can instill insecurity; control dynamics, where unpredictability breeds hyperarousal; and disruptions like sudden losses (e.g., bereavement, job loss, or abuse) correlate with onset, as unresolved distress manifests somatically.

Common Signs of Panic Attacks Often Mimic Medical Emergencies

Panic attacks manifest abruptly and intensely, frequently mistaken for heart attacks or other crises, with research noting their hallmark physical and emotional surges that peak within minutes. These symptoms arise from the body’s fight-or-flight overactivation, affecting 2-3% of adults annually, and can include dissociation (feeling detached from reality), surges of anger or irritability post-attack, and withdrawal to avoid triggers. The table below details key signs with descriptions and research backing:

Panic Attack SymptomDescriptionResearch Support
Racing Heart/PalpitationsSudden pounding or fluttering heartbeat, often feeling like a heart attack.Core symptom in 80-90% of attacks; triggers medical fears.
Shortness of BreathFeeling smothered, rapid or shallow breathing, or choking sensation.Reported in up to 70% of episodes; mimics respiratory distress.
Sweating/TremblingProfuse sweating, shaking, or chills despite normal temperature.Physical hallmarks in 60-80%; tied to adrenaline surge.
Dizziness/NauseaLightheadedness, vertigo, stomach upset, or faintness.Occurs in 50%; contributes to fear of fainting or dying.
Fear of Dying/Loss of ControlIntense dread of impending doom, going crazy, or dying.Psychological peak; dissociation may follow as detachment.
Post-Attack Withdrawal/AngerEmotional numbness, avoidance of triggers, or irritability after episodes.Leads to agoraphobia; anger from frustration in 20-30%.

Therapy Halves Panic Attack Recovery Timeline

Full recovery from panic disorder may span 1-5 years without support, but therapies like EMDR, somatic, or psychodynamic can shorten this to 3-12 months, with remission rates up to 70-80%. This guide spotlights validated methods to expedite healing, underscoring the importance of immediate, body-aware intervention; medication considered only if clinically appropriate.

Key Factors Shape Panic Attack Healing Timelines

Recovery timelines for panic attacks vary by factors like attack frequency (infrequent episodes resolve quicker), age of onset (earlier may prolong), comorbidities such as PTSD or depression, support networks, commitment to therapy, and access to specialized somatic care. Rapid response to treatment and unpacking triggers like trauma further customize and accelerate the path to freedom.

Treatment Boosts Recovery Rates and Speeds Healing Compared to No Intervention

Determination supports every route, but structured therapy outperforms untreated paths, boosting recovery from 20-40% to 60-80% and compressing timelines from 1-5+ years to 3-12 months for many. The table below contrasts core aspects:

AspectWith Treatment (e.g., EMDR, Somatic, Psychodynamic)Without Treatment
Recovery Rate60-80% significant remission20-40% spontaneous recovery
Timeline3-12 months for many, up to 2 years for full1-5+ years, often chronic
Relapse RiskLower (20-30%, reduced with maintenance)Higher (up to 50% recurrent)
Mortality/ComplicationsReduced with early interventionElevated, including agoraphobia or suicide risk
Quality of LifeRestored mobility, reduced fear, better functioningPersistent dread, avoidance, exhaustion

This illustrates therapy’s essential role in quicker, more robust recovery.

The Treatment Pathway Accelerates Healing from Panic Attacks

Approaches like EMDR, somatic therapy, or psychodynamic yield 70-80% improvement in weeks to months for acute relief, leading to 3-12 months for enduring remission via personalized, trauma-sensitive support. Therapy addresses manifestations and origins, including genetics, environmental loads, or contextual traumas, through phased development; medication if indicated by a clinician.

Beginning Stages: Building Safety and Stability (First 1-3 Months)

Early therapy stresses acute stabilization and somatic grounding, often starting with EMDR to process initial triggers while mapping attack precursors like genetic sensitivities or stressors. Individuals may dread sessions, but they provide a secure space to recount episodes—e.g., identifying dissociation patterns and introducing breathwork to regulate arousal, forming a base for trauma exploration.

Middle Stages: Unpacking and Rebuilding (3-6 Months)

As equilibrium builds, psychodynamic inquiry delves into underlying dynamics, reframing fear narratives from roots like control losses or environmental pressures via dialogue and body scans. If contextual events like grief sparked attacks, somatic techniques release stored tension, paired with relational work to mend isolation. Achievements include shorter episodes and gradual exposure, with lapses building tolerance for uncertainty.

Later Stages: Integration and Long-Term Growth (6-12+ Months)

Later phases embed resilience and forestall recurrence by weaving insights into existence. People resolve enduring sources, such as genetic traits through awareness practices or environmental shifts like stress buffers. Focus on embodiment, redefining safety beyond absence of attacks, and cultivating networks yields autonomy—e.g., navigating crowds calmly, deeper connections, and joyful pursuits—with follow-ups securing sustained ease. This evolves acute fear into empowered navigation.

Frequently Asked Questions About Panic Attacks

What Are the Common Signs of a Panic Attack?

Sudden intense fear with physical cues like rapid heartbeat, sweating, trembling, breathlessness, dizziness, chest pain, nausea, or dread of dying; may include numbness or detachment.

How Can Loved Ones Support Someone with Panic Attacks?

Offer calm presence, validate experiences without minimizing, encourage professional help softly, and practice grounding together. Steer clear of overprotecting; prioritize listening and joint coping.

What Are the Most Effective Treatments for Panic Attacks?

EMDR, somatic therapy, and psychodynamic approaches excel, often with lifestyle tweaks; group settings combat isolation. Severe cases may need inpatient support, with peak efficacy from early integration; meds if suitable.

Can Panic Attacks Be Prevented?

Fostering stress resilience, body awareness, supportive environs, and early trauma processing can lessen risks. Mitigating triggers like caffeine or isolation aids, though genetics temper total prevention.

Do Panic Attacks Resolve on Their Own?

Occasionally for mild cases, but typically they recur or intensify without aid, risking chronicity. Therapy profoundly betters prospects, reshaping episodic crises into surmountable hurdles.

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pre-adoption psychological evaluation
Testing and Assessment

Pre-Adoption Psychological Evaluation Checklist: 7 Tips for a Quick and Easy Adoption Assessment

Adopting a child is an exciting yet complex journey, and one key step for many prospective parents is the pre-adoption psychological evaluation – also commonly known as an adoption psychological evaluation. This process helps ensure you’re emotionally and mentally ready for the responsibilities of parenthood, especially in cases like international adoptions where additional scrutiny is required.

While it can feel daunting, proper preparation can make the experience smoother and less stressful. In this guide, we’ll cover practical tips to help you get ready that most families miss, from self-reflection to managing anxiety, so you can approach your evaluation with confidence. We provide pre-adoption psychological evaluations throughout California and can help your family complete this important step in the adoption process efficiently.

We’ll also cover the step-by-step process you can expect from your psychologist.

6 Tips to Prepare for Your Pre-Adoption Psychological Evaluation

1. Understand the Purpose of the Pre-Adoption Psychological Assessment

The adoption psychological evaluation is designed to assess your readiness for parenting an adopted child. Agencies use it to confirm emotional stability, coping skills, and your ability to handle the unique challenges of adoption, such as potential attachment issues or cultural adjustments. For international adoptions, it often meets specific country requirements, while domestic ones might focus more on general family dynamics. Knowing this upfront helps shift your mindset from fear of “failing” to viewing it as a supportive step in building your family.

2. Review Your Personal and Family History in Advance

One of the core components of the evaluation is a thorough interview about your background. Take time to reflect on your upbringing, relationships, mental health history, and any past challenges like therapy or stress management. Jot down key events or patterns—this not only prepares you for questions but also helps you articulate your growth. If applicable, gather medical records or notes from previous counseling sessions to bring along, as they can provide context without you having to recall everything on the spot.

The more honest you can be, the more your assessment will help you. While it’s understandable to want to make the process smooth by not talking about difficult aspects of your history, current circumstances, or your self, attempting to appear more favorably can backfire and make the process less helpful, and in some cases can extend the process.

3. Discuss Expectations and Motivations with Your Partner

If you’re adopting as a couple, schedule dedicated time to talk openly about why you’re pursuing adoption, your parenting styles, and how you’ll handle potential stressors like sleep deprivation or behavioral issues. This alignment can make joint interview sessions flow better and demonstrate your teamwork to the evaluator. For single parents, consider journaling or talking with a trusted friend to clarify your motivations, ensuring you’re honest about any apprehensions, which is perfectly normal and even encouraged.

4. Practice Self-Reflection and Emotional Preparedness

Evaluations often include personality tests, like the Personality Assessment Inventory (PAI), and questions that might touch on sensitive topics such as your marriage, family conflicts, or feelings about the child’s biological parents. To prepare, practice self-reflection exercises: Ask yourself, “What are my fears about parenting?” or “How do I manage stress?” This builds emotional resilience and helps you respond thoughtfully. Remember, the goal is honesty—admitting vulnerabilities shows self-awareness, not weakness.

5. Manage Anxiety and Create a Comfortable Mindset

It’s common to feel nervous, so incorporate relaxation techniques like deep breathing or mindfulness apps in the days leading up. Schedule your evaluation at a time when you’re well-rested, and treat it as a conversation rather than an interrogation. Choose a qualified psychologist who specializes in adoption assessments, perhaps by booking a free consultation to discuss the process and costs upfront (schedule a call with our care coordinator here). Understanding that insurance typically doesn’t cover this can help you budget accordingly.

6. Address Variations for Domestic vs. International Adoptions

Preparation can differ based on your adoption type. For international adoptions, familiarize yourself with country-specific requirements, such as extended timelines or additional cultural sensitivity questions. Domestic evaluations might emphasize local support systems or home studies. Research your agency’s guidelines early to tailor your prep—resources like adoption forums or books on parenting adopted children can provide targeted insights.

7. Gather all requirements from the Country of Origin (Bonus Tip)

This tip is in a category on its own. Gathering all requirements before your consultation with a psychologist makes the biggest difference in how smooth and timely the process is for you.
Make sure you communicate with the adoption agency and the child’s country of origin about what they require for a pre-adoption psychological evaluation. Every country is different. Some require notarization, and sometimes specific psychological assessments are required, like the MMPI-3. Arranging for these specific requirements for the adoption assessment can require additional preparation time.

The Step-by-Step Process of a Pre-Adoption Psychological Evaluation

Understanding the typical workflow of the pre-adoption psychological evaluation can demystify the experience and help you prepare effectively. While processes may vary slightly by psychologist or agency, most follow a structured approach involving multiple sessions and a feedback period. Here’s what to expect with the pre-adoption psychological evaluation process:

Step 1: Initial Interview for Information Gathering

The process begins with an initial meeting, which is typically a comprehensive interview lasting approximately 2 hours, depending upon how many adoptive parents are being evaluated. During this session, the psychologist will gather relevant background information about you (and your partner, if applicable), including your personal history, family dynamics, relationships, mental health, and motivations for adoption.

This is a conversational step where you’ll discuss topics like your upbringing, career, support systems, and any past experiences with therapy or stress. The goal is to build a holistic picture of your life and readiness for parenting, so come prepared to share openly.

Step 2: Testing Session with Psychological Measures

Following the interview, there’s usually a second meeting for psychological assessment. This session involves completing standardized psychological assessments, such as the MMPI-3 (Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory-3) to evaluate personality traits and emotional functioning, along with another personality test tailored to adoption contexts.

These measures help identify strengths and any areas needing support. The testing typically takes 3 hours and is done in a relaxed environment, often with breaks if needed. This meeting can often be done virtually if needed. No special preparation is required beyond being well-rested, as the tests are designed to capture your natural responses.

Step 3: Report Preparation and Feedback Session

After the testing session, the psychologist analyzes the results and compiles a detailed report. This document summarizes your strengths, any potential concerns, and recommendations for the adoption process.

Once ready, you’ll have a feedback meeting (often virtual or in-person) where the psychologist reviews the findings with you. They’ll discuss insights, suggest any changes or preparations you might need—such as additional counseling or parenting classes—and answer your questions. This step emphasizes growth and support, ensuring you’re equipped for a successful adoption.

Schedule a Consultation Call for Adoption Assessment

FAQ: Common Questions About Preparing for an Adoption Psychological Evaluation

What should I bring to my pre-adoption psychological assessment?

Bring identification, any required forms from your agency, and relevant records like medical history or previous therapy notes. It’s also helpful to have a list of your own questions for the evaluator.

How long does the adoption psychological evaluation typically take?

The entire process can take 4 weeks. For the meetings, the interview takes approximately 2 hours, while the assessment session takes approximately 3 hours.

What if I have a history of mental health issues?

A past diagnosis isn’t automatically disqualifying—evaluators look at how you’ve managed it and your current stability. Be open about treatments or coping strategies to show proactive self-care.

Is the evaluation different for single parents?

It may place more emphasis on your support network and independent coping skills, but the core focus on readiness remains the same.

Book a pre-adoption psychological evaluation today

Here Counseling provides timely and effective pre-adoption psychological evaluations in California. This process is incredibly important to the growth of your new family. Not only will we satisfy the adoption requirements, but we believe the insights you’ll gain from our process will help you have the best chance of creating a healthy, thriving family.

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Teen back-to-school emotional issues
Managing emotions

7 Back-to-School Issues Teens Face, and How to Help

The backpacks are packed, schedules are set, but as your teen heads off to school, you notice the shift: sullen moods, short tempers, or withdrawn silence after a long day. The transition from summer freedom to structured routines hits hard, stirring up anxiety, irritability, and more. You’re seeing these signs and wondering what’s normal versus when to worry. Many parents report similar struggles as adolescents navigate this pivotal time.

We’ll explore 7 common emotional symptoms teens experience returning to school, using real parent examples and quotes from online forums. For each, we’ll describe the typical problem, then dive into what’s happening in this unique developmental stage, using adolescent neurological and social research. We’ll also discuss what your teen might need, given the emotional issue they’re facing. At the end, guidelines on when to seek therapy. Understanding these can lead to less tension at home and more supported teens.

1. Anxiety and Overwhelm in Teens Returning to School

The Typical Problem: Heightened Worry and Physical Distress

Parents often describe teens overwhelmed by the return to academics, social pressures, and routines, leading to physical symptoms like stomachaches, headaches, or avoidance behaviors. One Reddit parent shared: “My 14-year-old started having panic attacks the week before school—crying about ‘failing classes’ and ‘losing friends,’ even vomiting from nerves on the first day. It’s like summer erased her confidence.” Online posts expand on this, with examples of teens “freaking out over class schedules” or “begging to stay home because ‘everything feels too much.'” These worries can manifest in constant “what if” questions at home, disrupted sleep, or reluctance to discuss school, leaving parents feeling helpless as the anxiety spills into family dynamics.

What’s Happening Internally: Brain Remodeling Under Stress

During adolescence, the brain undergoes massive remodeling, making teens more sensitive to stress—Daniel Siegel calls this the “upstairs brain” (rational thinking) clashing with the “downstairs brain” (emotions), creating overwhelm like a “flipped lid” where logic shuts down: “When kids feel overwhelmed, their emotional brain takes over—it’s like a storm they can’t control yet.” Developmentally, hormonal changes amplify fears of failure or rejection, turning school into a high-stakes arena where overwhelm feels survival-level, often exacerbated by social media comparisons.

What Your Teen Needs to Recover: Safety and Co-Regulation

To recover, teens need a sense of safety through consistent routines and parental co-regulation. Labeling feelings like “I see you’re worried about fitting in” helps integrate brain functions. Developmentally, they crave validation of their emotions without dismissal, plus tools like journaling worries or short mindfulness breaks to rebuild resilience and reduce anxiety’s grip.

2. Irritability and Anger Outbursts in Back-to-School Teens

The Typical Problem: Sudden Snaps and Emotional Volatility

Teens may snap over small things post-school, like homework or chores, as exhaustion fuels outbursts that strain family interactions. A parent on Reddit described in depth: “My 15-year-old comes home raging about ‘stupid teachers’ or siblings touching their stuff—it’s like a switch flips after school, turning minor annoyances into full-blown tantrums that last hours.” X examples include “daily meltdowns over nothing,” with parents noting increased defiance from pent-up frustration, such as slamming doors or refusing dinner, leaving everyone walking on eggshells.

What’s Happening Internally: Heightened Reactivity from Brain Changes

Siegel highlights adolescent “emotional intensity” from brain pruning, where the limbic system amps up reactivity: “Teens feel emotions more strongly, leading to outbursts as the brain learns regulation.” In development, puberty’s emotional volatility combines with school stressors like peer dynamics, making anger a release valve for unprocessed overwhelm or unmet needs.

What Your Teen Needs to Recover: Empathy and Decompression Space

Recovery involves empathy and space—Siegel’s “connect and redirect” means first attuning (“I see school’s tough today”) before guiding behavior. This means your teenager needs to first see that you are feeling what they’re feeling from their perspective, before you suggest changes. We recommend “time-ins” for joint calming, like deep breathing together. Developmentally, teens need outlets like exercise or hobbies to process volatility, plus emotional flexibility that affirms “Your feelings are valid, how can choose how to best express them?”

3. Depression and Low Mood in Adolescents Starting School

The Typical Problem: Withdrawal and Persistent Sadness

Parents report teens seeming “down” or unmotivated, withdrawing from activities or family, which can mimic laziness but signals deeper distress. One Reddit thread shared a vivid story: “My daughter was excited for school but now she’s just sad all the time, sleeping through weekends, skipping meals, and saying ‘nothing matters’—it’s like the spark’s gone.” Social media posts mention “post-summer blues” worsening into “not wanting to do anything,” with examples of lost interest in hobbies or friends, worrying parents about long-term impacts.

What’s Happening Internally: Disrupted Reward and Connection Systems

Siegel describes teen depression as disrupted integration: “When the brain’s reward systems remodel, low mood can emerge from feeling disconnected.” Sadness is about unmet needs for connection and understanding. Developmentally, identity formation amid peer comparisons and academic demands can trigger hopelessness, especially if school feels like constant evaluation without support.

What Your Teen Needs to Recover: Purpose-Building

To recover, teens need belonging. Get your child outside engaged with other kids and adults who know them. They might benefit from an activity that requires their help to accomplish a shared goal, like cooking a family meal, being part of a team sport or musical, or engaging in a collaborative hobby with friends.

4. School Avoidance or Refusal in Back-to-School Teens

The Typical Problem: Resistance and Morning Battles

Some teens resist attending, faking illness or outright refusing, turning mornings into power struggles. A parent on Reddit detailed, “My son refuses school every morning—says it’s too much, hides under covers, and we’ve had tears and arguments daily since day one.” Social media examples include “teens begging to stay home” due to “bullying or overload,” with parents struggling to motivate without force, fearing truancy or emotional harm.

What’s Happening Internally: Fear Overriding Rationality

Siegel explains avoidance as “downstairs brain” dominance: “Fear overrides logic, making school feel like danger.” In adolescent development, autonomy clashes with structure, amplifying resistance when emotional regulation lags behind cognitive growth.

What Your Teen Needs to Recover: Gradual Exposure and Support

Recovery requires gradual exposure—Siegel’s “window of tolerance” expands by starting small, like partial days with check-ins. Developmentally, teens need autonomy in solutions, like counseling or schedule adjustments, to rebuild confidence and attendance. This means including your teen in making decisions about their schedule and priorities, as much as possible. Engage in negotiation in a way that takes seriously the conflict: “Let’s think about this: I hear you’re feeling exhausted by team practice, so what’s the best way to handle it that doesn’t make things harder for you down the line?”

5. Social Withdrawal and Loneliness in Returning Teens

The Typical Problem: Isolation from Peers and Family

Teens may isolate, avoiding friends or family post-school, which parents notice as “hiding in rooms” or declining invites. Reddit parents note, “My 16-year-old comes home and hides in their room—no more social life, even ignoring texts from friends.” Social media shares “loneliness after summer break,” with examples of “cyberbullying pushing kids inward” or “feeling outcast in cliques,” worrying about long-term effects on self-esteem.

What’s Happening Internally: Heightened Rejection Sensitivity

Siegel views withdrawal as integration failure: “Social brains crave connection, but remodeling can heighten rejection sensitivity.” Developmentally, peer focus intensifies, making social setbacks feel like identity threats amid brain changes prioritizing belonging.

What Your Teen Needs to Recover: Gentle Reconnection and Validation

To recover, teens need gentle reconnection—Siegel’s attunement means mirroring feelings: “It sounds lonely; I’m here.” Developmentally, they benefit from low-stakes social steps, like clubs or therapy groups, to rebuild belonging and reduce isolation. Consider talking with other parents about limiting screen or social media time and promote in-person non-screen-based activities. Often social media can act like a collective trap, and collaboration with other parents can help build healthy social connections for everyone.

6. Sleep Disturbances and Fatigue in School-Bound Teens

The Typical Problem: Insomnia and Daytime Exhaustion

Parents report insomnia or oversleeping disrupting moods and performance. One Reddit post said, “Teen can’t sleep from school worry, then crashes all weekend—grumpy and unfocused daily.” Social media posts mention “exhaustion from early starts,” with examples of “falling asleep in class” or “nighttime scrolling anxiety,” concerning parents about academic fallout.

What’s Happening Internally: Shifted Circadian Rhythms

Siegel links this to brain changes: “Adolescent sleep patterns shift later, clashing with school schedules and heightening fatigue.” In development, circadian shifts combine with stress, impairing emotional control and amplifying irritability.

What Your Teen Needs to Recover: Consistent Routines and Rest

Recovery involves consistent routines—Siegel recommends “brain hygiene” like dim lights pre-bed. Developmentally, teens need later bedtimes with screen limits, plus naps or therapy if fatigue persists, to restore energy and mood. Making changes to their routine can be difficult: consider, as we talked about in #4, co-creating a solution with your teen to help reduce the power struggle over their time.

7. Low Self-Esteem and Identity Struggles in Teens Back at School

The Typical Problem: Self-Doubt Amid Comparisons

Teens may doubt themselves amid comparisons, affecting motivation and interactions. A Reddit parent shared, “My kid feels ‘stupid’ after bad grades—self-esteem tanked, avoiding friends and activities.” Social media examples include “identity crises from cliques,” with “shame over fitting in” or “constant self-criticism,” alarming parents about withdrawal.

What’s Happening Internally: Remodeling Self-Concept

Siegel describes “identity remodeling”: “Teens question ‘who am I?’ amid brain changes, leading to self-doubt.” Developmentally, abstract thinking heightens self-criticism in evaluative environments like school, intensifying struggles.

What Your Teen Needs to Recover: Affirmation and Identity Support

To recover, teens need affirmation—Siegel’s “mindsight” encourages self-reflection: “Help them see strengths.” Developmentally, they benefit from identity-exploring activities like clubs or therapy, rebuilding esteem through successes and acceptance.

When Should I Consider Therapy?

While some back-to-school emotions are normal, persistent or intense symptoms warrant professional support. Consider therapy if: Symptoms last over 2 weeks, interfering with daily life (e.g., missing school); physical signs like eating/sleep changes accompany moods; teen expresses hopelessness or self-harm thoughts; or family dynamics worsen. Early intervention prevents escalation.

We have therapists who can help your teen recover to their normal self. In fact, these emotional changes can sometimes be important signals for needed change as they develop into a young adult. Our therapists can help you avoid painful arguments with your teen and create space for them to thrive.

Teen therapy in Pasadena for adolescents

Schedule Teen Therapy in Pasadena

I help teens in Pasadena recover from depression, self-harm, and panic attacks using somatic therapy. I’m Addy Sonneland and I’m a somatic therapist in Pasadena. I can help your teen recover and build on the strengths they need to thrive.

In our consultation call, you can tell me what you’re experiencing with your teen, and I can share how I can help.

Embracing Support: Therapy for Teen Transitions

These challenges are part of growth, but understanding helps. At Here Counseling in Pasadena, we support teens and families through somatic and relational therapy for smoother school starts.

Ready to ease the transition? Contact Here Counseling today—calmer days await.

FAQ: Teen Back-to-School Emotional Challenges

What are common emotional symptoms when teens return to school?

Common symptoms include anxiety, irritability, low mood, avoidance, withdrawal, sleep issues, and self-esteem struggles; they stem from readjustment stresses.

How does school start affect teen anxiety?

School start heightens anxiety through social and academic pressures; Siegel notes brain remodeling amplifies overwhelm, making routines key for regulation.

Why do teens get irritable after school?

Irritability arises from exhaustion and unmet needs; Bryson explains it’s nervous system overload, eased by co-regulation and empathy.

Signs of teen depression from school?

Signs like withdrawal or hopelessness signal depression; development research shows peer comparisons intensify low mood during transitions.

When to seek therapy for back-to-school issues?

Seek therapy if symptoms persist over 2 weeks, disrupt daily life, or include self-harm thoughts; early help prevents escalation.

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Managing emotions

Why That Toxic Relationship is Created by the Pain You’re Trying to Avoid (And How to Break Free)

Certain relationships feel like a rerun of old wounds.

Maybe it’s a partner whose constant criticism makes you feel small, just like a judgmental parent did in childhood. Or perhaps their helplessness leaves you frustrated and overburdened, echoing the abandonment from an unreliable caregiver.

These “toxic” relationships aren’t accidents—they’re born from pains being desperately avoided. In fact, they come from specific emotions that you’ve tried to avoid, like anger, sexuality, anxiety, or sadness.

These avoided emotions tend to reemerge in close relationships, acting like a nagging splinter you can’t get out. Why does this happen? In this article you’ll learn the two ways your mind recreates the emotional you’re trying to avoid in your closest relationships and in your mind, and how confronting the pain actually leads to freedom from the cycle.

The Vicious Cycle: Why Avoided Pain Keeps Coming Back

A lot of energy goes into dodging painful experiences. Whether it’s vowing never to explode in anger like a volatile parent or swearing off any hint of dependency after feeling let down as a kid, the goal is clear: avoid that hurt at all costs. But here’s the irony—the more something is run from, the more it shows up, often in the closest relationships. This isn’t just bad luck; it’s rooted in how the mind and emotions work.

Humans are wired to feel the full range of emotions: anger, affection, sadness, confidence, helplessness, and more. Self-regulation—the ability to handle these without getting overwhelmed—depends on integrating them all. Picture the mind as a spacious house. If one room represents a scary emotion, like anxiety or erotic feelings, and it’s boarded up, that room doesn’t shrink away. It expands, demanding attention until the door is opened.

Childhood often sets this up. For instance, an angry parent might lead you to disown anger entirely: “If I express it, I’ll hurt people and get rejected.” Sexuality could feel taboo, especially if it was shamed. Or helplessness might be rejected, particularly for those socialized to always appear strong, like many men. These disowned parts don’t disappear—they get recreated either inside the mind or in external relationships through two mechanisms: introjection and projection.

Break the Cycle—Heal What’s Beneath

Toxic patterns often start with hidden pain. Therapy can help you uncover what’s driving your choices and guide you toward healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Reach out when you’re ready.

Introjection: When the Pain Becomes Your Own Inner Voice

Introjection is one way avoided pain loops back internally. It’s like taking a painful dynamic from someone else and making it part of the self, often as a way to cope or stay connected to that person, even if it’s harmful. Psychoanalyst Nancy McWilliams describes this as evolving from early “incorporation,” where children essentially swallow aspects of others whole, to more mature forms of identification. In essence, it’s an unconscious defense that internalizes attitudes or behaviors to manage anxiety, but it can turn self-destructive.

Think of it this way: repeated exposures in childhood carve deep tracks in the mind. These become inherited ways of handling emotions, even if they’re unhelpful. Heinz Kohut, a key figure in self psychology, linked such internalizations to building a sense of self, where external supports (like a parent’s validation) get taken in to form inner resilience. But when the internalized part is critical or punishing, it creates an ongoing internal struggle.

The Critical Parent Inside: A Real-Life Example

Take the example of a critical dad who always found fault—naysaying ideas, never fully satisfied, unable to share in happiness. As a child, this might make you feel small, embarrassed, or insignificant. The response? “I’m never going to be like that. I don’t want to experience that pain again, and I won’t inflict it on others.” So, as an adult, distance is created: avoiding that parent, steering clear of critical friends, protecting peace by limiting exposure.

But here’s where introjection kicks in. Even after cutting ties, a template forms in the mind from those years of interaction. While working on a project, applying for a job, or planning something special, an inner voice pipes up: “Why do you have to do that? You can’t get it right. That’s not good enough.” It’s the same criticism, now self-directed. This isn’t random—it’s because those well-worn childhood paths become part of self-regulation, a way to navigate emotions.

Worse, there’s often an attachment to this voice. Deep down, it feels like without that self-criticism, things would fall apart—you’d be a mess, an embarrassment, unworthy. It’s a twisted way of staying connected to the parent, believing their harshness somehow kept you in line. Acknowledging this is hard: realizing that no matter how many people are cut off, the voice remains, and that there’s even some affection for it, like a keepsake. But until it’s faced—as a defense against deeper shame or smallness—the pain recreates itself, turning the inner world into a “bad relationship” with the self.

Projection: Pushing Pain Onto Partners and Friends

Projection takes the disowned emotion and attributes it to someone else, outsourcing the feeling while still engaging with it indirectly. It’s a defense that keeps the self unaware of its own role, as McWilliams notes: “Projection is the process whereby what is inside is misunderstood as coming from outside.” In healthy forms, it’s the root of empathy—projecting personal experiences to understand others. But when it involves intolerable parts, like hidden hostility or dependency, it breeds misunderstandings and damage.

Melanie Klein, an object relations theorist, saw projection as part of a cycle with introjection, where “good” and “bad” mental representations (objects) get split, pushed out, and pulled back in to ease anxieties. Otto Kernberg built on this, describing how these processes organize early internalizations, often fusing feared elements into ongoing relational patterns.

The Helpless Savior Dynamic: How Projection Builds Toxicity

Let’s use helplessness as an illustration. Suppose a parent was perpetually overwhelmed—throwing up hands, unable to handle responsibilities, leaving you to pick up the slack. As a kid, this feels shameful and abandoning: “I never want to be that way; if I am, no one will care for me.” So, vulnerability gets disowned.

In adulthood, helpless moments still arise—we’re human, needing support sometimes. But owning that feels too risky. Instead, projection happens: attributing helplessness to others. Relationships form where you play the savior—doing things unasked, assuming they can’t manage, dismissing their input or wisdom. Suddenly, the partner resembles that unreliable parent, and annoyance builds. You’ve recreated the very dynamic avoided, now externalized.

This extends to other emotions. With anger from a raging parent, tension rises, and it’s assumed the other is furious: “What are you so angry about?” This gaslighting or denial can provoke real anger in them, making you the “calm” one while they embody the disowned part. There’s even subtle attraction—getting close to an angry person lets you vicariously touch that energy without owning it.

Sexuality follows suit: disowned erotic feelings get pinned on a partner—”They’re always coming on to me”—allowing denial while invading their space. Sadness might mean surrounding yourself with melancholic people, avoiding your own grief but feeling burdened by theirs.

In all cases, projection finds “containers” for the forbidden—people who might naturally lean that way, amplified by your behavior. It’s not just selection; it’s creation, turning relationships toxic until the projection is recognized.

The Path to Freedom: Returning to the Pain with Responsibility

This recreation can feel profoundly unfair, like an endless hell of repeated suffering. But there’s hope in viewing it existentially: it’s the psyche saying, “Return to the scene of the accident.” These patterns—internal critics or projected dynamics—are invitations to confront what’s avoided, to own the anger, sexuality, anxiety, or helplessness as valid parts of the self that need to be recognized and cared for.

The pain from childhood isn’t your fault—abuse, neglect, or criticism wasn’t chosen. But as adults, it’s a responsibility to address how it lingers, affecting ourselves and others. Disowning keeps the cycle spinning; acknowledging and feeling it fully brings catharsis, a release that’s been needed. Psychotherapy offers a space for this, helping integrate disconnected parts into a coherent whole, fostering relationships that bring life instead of torment.

If a “toxic” relationship feels like a echo of old pain, start by identifying the avoided experience. What emotion represents the deepest hurt? Confront it compassionately, take responsibility for its impact, and watch freedom unfold.

You can confront the pain and experience enormous relief. That’s what our therapists are trained to do. We can help you grow your awareness so you can resolve the pain you’ve experienced, so it stops being recreated in your life. Reach out to us today and schedule a consultation:

FAQ: Toxic Relationships and Avoided Pain

Why do I keep attracting toxic relationships?

Toxic relationships often stem from unresolved childhood pain, like criticism or abandonment, leading to patterns of introjection (internalizing hurts) or projection (attributing them to others). These recreate familiar dynamics until you confront and own the emotions, breaking the cycle through self-awareness and therapy.

What causes repeated patterns in bad relationships?

Patterns arise from disowned emotions—anger, helplessness, or shame—pushed away in childhood. Avoidance recreates them via defense mechanisms like introjection (echoing inner critics) or projection (outsourcing to partners), acting as a call to integrate these parts for healthier bonds.

How do I stop attracting toxic partners?

Start by identifying avoided pains and owning them—acknowledge anger or vulnerability without shame. Set boundaries, seek therapy to process childhood wounds, and surround yourself with supportive people. This shifts your energy, drawing in nourishing relationships instead of toxic ones.

What is introjection in psychology?

Introjection is internalizing others’ traits or dynamics, like adopting a critical parent’s voice as your inner critic. It helps cope with vulnerability but recreates pain internally, turning self-talk toxic until faced and reframed for better self-regulation.

What is projection in relationships?

Projection attributes disowned feelings to others, like seeing helplessness in a partner while denying your own. It builds toxic dynamics by provoking or amplifying the avoided emotion, often subconsciously recreating childhood hurts until owned through reflection and responsibility.

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People-pleasing, boundaries, self-care, toxic boundaries, and self-awareness
Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions

How to Set Boundaries Without Being Toxic, Even if You People-Please

In today’s culture, “boundaries” has become a go-to phrase for navigating relationships, often hailed as the ultimate self-care tool. But what if this popular take is missing the mark, turning boundaries into toxic barriers rather than bridges?

In this post, we’ll dive into how social media and pop psychology frame boundaries, explore the toxic pitfalls of this view with real examples, and propose a healthier approach rooted in self-awareness and differentiation. Drawing from psychoanalytic insights, we’ll uncover how true boundaries foster connection without defense, leading to less conflict and more authentic relating. Healing begins with rethinking what we’ve been taught—and it can transform your partnerships in Pasadena and beyond.

“Set them or suffer”

How Boundaries Evolved into Toxic Defensiveness

In our fast-paced, self-help-saturated world, “boundaries” dominates conversations on mental health and relationships. Social media amplifies this with empowering memes, threads, and reels urging people to “set boundaries or be walked over.” The tone is often triumphant and no-nonsense, positioning boundaries as a shield against toxicity. For instance, viral posts declare, “Boundaries are for you. ‘I feel uncomfortable when you continue to do ‘x’ action for ‘y’ reason.’ It’s about telling people what your own limits are,” emphasizing self-protection in a world of demands.

Yet, this narrative frequently veers into accusatory territory. Quotes from popular X threads highlight the shift: “Abusers learned the word ‘boundary’ and started making *rules*, trying to justify their abusive behaviour. Boundaries are to protect *yourself*… They’re not about dictating the behaviour of others.” Another user notes, “‘Boundaries’ are things like ‘sometimes when we have hard conversations, I might ask for 5 minutes alone’… They aren’t ‘don’t post bathing suit pictures or hang out with people I don’t pre-approve.’” High-profile examples, like Jonah Hill’s texts, fuel debates where “boundaries” justify control, with critics calling it “weaponizing therapy language.”

The cultural vibe? Boundaries as bold declarations against “energy vampires” or “narcissists,” often in black-and-white terms: “Set them or suffer.” This resonates in LA’s wellness scene, where therapy-speak goes viral, but it risks oversimplifying complex dynamics, turning nuance into ultimatums.

What’s behind this whole boundary thing?

Set Boundaries with Kindness and Confidence

You don’t have to choose between keeping the peace and honoring yourself. Start therapy and learn how to speak up without feeling guilty.

Boundary Obsession Comes From Social Anxiety

The overuse of “boundaries” in modern discourse isn’t just a trend—it’s a symptom of deeper social anxiety, where relationships feel increasingly fragile and pressured. Psychological theories, including attachment theory and social psychology, explain how social anxiety amplifies insecure attachments, leading to people-pleasing and eventual defensive projections. In environments of loneliness—exacerbated by digital interactions and urban lifestyles like in Los Angeles—individuals crave connection but fear its loss, setting the stage for rigid boundary-setting as a last resort.

Here’s a step-by-step progression of how this toxic “boundary” behavior unfolds:

  1. Unseen Pressure to avoid Social Isolation: In socially isolated settings, we’re often unaware of the intense drive to connect and how precarious bonds feel. This unspoken pressure pushes us toward over-accommodation to secure ties.
  2. People-Pleasing as Primitive Attachment Compulsion: Defaulting to yes-saying stems from insecure attachment, where fear of abandonment triggers fawning behaviors. Anxious attachment drives us to avoid conflict to maintain closeness.
  3. Insecure Attachment Paints a Corner: Over time, this creates a trap. We sense relationships hinge on avoiding conflict and rejecting our own thoughts, building resentment and fusion. Family therapist Murray Bowen described emotional fusion as, “The greater degree of fusion in a relationship, the more heightened is the pull to preserve emotional stability by preserving the status quo,” which in this case is the suppression of one’s subjectivity to avoid social isolation.
  4. Needs are Suppressed: Small assertions like “I disagree”, “I have a different perspective”, or “what if instead, we…?” get stifled out of fear of conflict and distance.
  5. Projection Takes Hold: We then project our fear outward, thinking it’s others who are unreasonably requiring us to bend. Our own compulsion to people-please is projected onto a partner or friend. We think the pressure to people-please is coming from outside rather than from our own insecurity.
  6. Crude Boundaries as “Big Guns”: Finally, we assert harsh limits against the “narcissist,” prioritizing distance to “protect peace.” Psychotherapist Lori Gottlieb critiques this misuse: “I think people are using these terms because they think they’re supposed to, but they don’t even know what they mean.” Casual therapy-speak like boundaries enables toxicity rather than healing.

To summarize this progression:

StepDescription
1. Social IsolationSocial isolation makes us scared of rejection.
2. People-PleasingWe suppress our own thoughts and needs out of fear of rejection.
3. Painted CornerWe create relationships in which the other person comes to see us as flexible, eager to please.
4. SuppressionWe suppress our normal disagreements to avoid conflict.
5. ProjectionWe think the other person is requiring us to be flexible.
6. Crude BoundariesWe react out of panic by asserting defensive boundaries against the other person.

Practical Pitfalls: How Toxic Boundaries Break Down in Relationships

While the intent behind popular boundary-setting is positive, it often backfires in real life, especially in couples. One common pitfall is using boundaries reactively after people-pleasing builds resentment. You might bend over backward to accommodate your partner, only to feel “taken over”. Then you may enforce a rigid limit like “No more last-minute plans—ever.” This projects the issue outward (“You’re not respecting me”) and ignores the larger insecurity around people-pleasing fears.

3 Toxic Boundary Pitfalls:

  • Confusing Boundaries with Rules: When misused, boundaries dictate others’ behavior, like demanding a partner stop certain hobbies. This leads to control rather than collaboration.
  • Evading Accountability: Viral advice encourages quick cut-offs without explanation. For example, “therapy culture has added fuel… with ‘set your boundaries’ conflated with cutting people off quickly, harshly.” This avoids the normal back-and-forth of healthy relating.
  • Amplifying Defensiveness: In couples, it pathologizes normal conflicts—labeling a disagreement as “boundary violation” shuts down dialogue, eroding trust. For high-achievers in Pasadena, this can spill into work stress, where unaddressed resentment heightens burnout.

These pitfalls create cycles of misunderstanding, where boundaries become primitive defenses against feeling vulnerable, rather than tools for growth.

Healthy Self-Awareness Boundaries

True boundaries emerge from self-awareness, holding onto your subjectivity without suppressing it to “save” the relationship through people-pleasing. Rooted in psychoanalytic ideas, this view sees boundaries as differentiation. This is the ability to maintain your sense of self amid others’ needs. As family therapist Murray Bowen described, “Differentiation is not an event but a skill that requires practice,” allowing emotional interdependence without fusion or cutoff.

In relationships, this means responding non-defensively. For example, “I hear you want this, and here’s my perspective,” or negotiating mutually. Or, “I don’t want that, but can we find a solution that helps us both?”

3 Benefits of Embracing Boundaries as Self-Awareness

Shifting to this view unlocks deeper connection and ease. Here are three key benefits:

  1. Reduced Conflict and Resentment: By asserting needs early and collaboratively, you avoid buildup, leading to smoother interactions. As Bowen noted, higher differentiation means less emotional reactivity in partnerships.
  2. Enhanced Emotional Flexibility: You gain tools to navigate differences without defense, fostering joy and playfulness. Ogden’s growth monitoring promotes this, turning vulnerability into strength for balanced living.
  3. Increased Productivity and Well-Being: For perfectionists, releasing people-pleasing frees energy for meaningful work. Winnicott’s unlived life concept reminds us: addressing fears head-on reclaims vitality, helping high-achievers thrive in Pasadena.

If You’re the People-Pleaser:

Practical Ways to Practice Healthy Boundaries

Building healthy boundaries means encountering conflict with curiosity and self-awareness, turning potential clashes into opportunities for connection. Below are 7 examples of non-defensive communication with a partner or close friend, each followed by why it’s healthy:

  1. “I notice we’re disagreeing on how to spend the evening—I’m tired and craving quiet time, but I value our time together. What are you needing?”
    How this is healthy: Naming the conflict and your feelings invites openness without blame, fostering mutual understanding and reducing defensiveness by focusing on shared desires for the relationship.
  2. “You seem passionate about this idea, and I respect that. My perspective is different because it reminds me of some painful experiences—can we explore why it matters to each of us?”
    How this is healthy: Acknowledging the other’s viewpoint while sharing your conflicting belief validates both sides, promoting empathy and preventing escalation into rigid positions.
  3. “I hear you want to invite more people over, and that makes sense for you. I’d prefer a smaller gathering to recharge—maybe we can find a way we can both feel good about this weekend?”
    How this is healthy: Expressing desires while looking for common ground encourages collaboration, turning potential opposition into a joint problem-solving effort that strengthens the bond.
  4. “This conversation is getting intense—I’m feeling overwhelmed right now. Can we turn down the emotional volume a bit so I can hear you?.”
    How this is healthy: Using humor to diffuse tension names the current emotional state lightly, creating space for reset and reminding both parties of shared humanity without avoidance.
  5. “You believe we should splurge on this trip, and I get that. I’m worried about the budget though—let’s list out pros and cons together to find what works for us both.”
    How this is healthy: Naming conflicting beliefs and proposing a structured way to find common ground keeps the focus on partnership, reducing power struggles and enhancing decision-making skills.
  6. “Ugh, that felt off to me, and I’m feeling the need to smooth it over by agreeing with you, even though I have some complex thoughts about it. What happened for you?”
    How this is healthy: Directly naming the conflict and expressing desires for the relationship opens dialogue with vulnerability, encouraging the other to share and deepening emotional intimacy.

If You’re the Partner to the People Pleaser:

How to Invite Your Friend or Partner to Engage in Healthy Conflict

Inviting others to move beyond people-pleasing involves gentle encouragement. Below are 7 examples of ways to communicate this invitation to a partner or close friend, each followed by why it’s effective:

  1. “I notice you often go along with my ideas, and I appreciate that, but I’m curious—what do you really think about this? Your honest opinion matters to me.”
    How this is effective: Gently naming the pattern without judgment invites self-expression, reducing fear of conflict and encouraging the other to claim their subjectivity for deeper connection.
  2. “It seems like you’re agreeing to keep things smooth, but I sense some hesitation. Let’s talk about what’s really on your mind—I’m here to hear it without getting defensive.”
    How this is effective: Acknowledging potential people-pleasing validates their feelings while modeling non-defensiveness, fostering a safe space for honest disagreement and mutual vulnerability.
  3. “I value how supportive you are, but if something doesn’t feel right for you, I’d love for you to share that. How can we make decisions that work for both of us?”
    How this is effective: Expressing appreciation while prompting assertion shifts focus to collaboration, helping break the cycle of suppression and promoting balanced, resilient relating.
  4. “Hey, I get the urge to just say yes to avoid tension—I’ve done it too. But what if we tried disagreeing lightly? What’s your take on this plan?”
    How this is effective: Using shared humanity and humor normalizes the habit, inviting playful engagement in conflict to build emotional flexibility without overwhelming pressure.
  5. “You seem to prioritize my preferences a lot, which is sweet, but I wonder if that’s leaving out what you need. Tell me more about your side—I’d feel better if we could find a middle ground, I want you to be happy with this too.”
    How this is effective: Highlighting the imbalance empathetically encourages ownership of needs, guiding toward negotiation that strengthens partnership and reduces resentment buildup.
  6. “I’ve noticed patterns where we avoid clashing, but I think sharing differing views could bring us closer. What’s one thing you’d change about our routine?”
    How this is effective: Framing conflict as connective invites exploration of perspectives, promoting differentiation and turning avoidance into an opportunity for intimacy and growth.
  7. “It would make me feel good to know both of us are ok with this decision rather than to just get my way.”
    How this is effective: Directly addressing suppression with reassurance affirms the relationship’s strength, empowering the other to engage authentically and enhancing overall well-being.

Step-by-Step: Practicing Healthy Boundaries in Daily Life

To cultivate this approach, start small:

  1. Reflect on Your Patterns: Journal moments of resentment—ask, “How might I have been afraid of rejection? And how did that change how I was being in the conversation?”
  2. Express Subjectivity: In conversations, use “I” statements like “I feel overwhelmed and need rest—how can we adjust?”
  3. Negotiate Mutually: Invite input: “You want this, I prefer that—let’s find common ground.” Practice builds differentiation.

This turns boundaries into relational strengths.

Embracing True Boundaries: Therapy Can Guide the Way

Redefining boundaries as self-awareness transforms relationships from battlegrounds to spaces of growth. At Here Counseling in Pasadena, we use somatic and psychoanalytic tools to build this differentiation, reducing resentment for more energized living.

To your perfectionistic self: You’ll connect deeper and achieve more without the weight of unspoken needs. Ready to redefine boundaries? Contact Here Counseling today—authentic relating awaits.

FAQ: Rethinking Boundaries in Relationships

It often turns boundaries into rules controlling others, leading to defensiveness and shutdowns, rather than fostering mutual respect.

How is differentiation different from setting boundaries?

Differentiation maintains self amid others’ needs, as Murray Bowen described as a practiced skill for emotional autonomy without isolation.

How do I know if I’m people-pleasing?

Signs include resentment buildup, difficulty saying no early, and projecting issues onto others as “boundary violations.”

Does therapy help with healthy boundaries?

Absolutely—psychoanalytic approaches uncover roots, building self-awareness for non-defensive relating and lasting change.

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Perfectionism self-criticism and anger
Managing emotions

Perfectionistic? How to Get Rid of Anger, Even If You’ve Tried Before

Imagine you’re powering through another late night at work, pushing yourself harder because that project just isn’t “good enough” yet. Your mind races with thoughts like, “Why can’t you get this right? You’re falling behind—again.” The tension builds, maybe erupting into anger at yourself or snapping at a colleague. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. As a perfectionist or workaholic, you might be trapped in a cycle of self-criticism that feels relentless.

But what if that harsh inner voice isn’t really yours?

In this post, we’ll explore how this voice often stems from a psychological defense called introjection, why it persists, and practical steps to identify and quiet it. Healing starts with understanding—and it can lead to less frustration, reduced burnout, and a life where you don’t have to avoid your deeper emotions.

What Is Your Inner Critic?

For high-achievers like you, the inner critic isn’t just occasional doubt—it’s a constant companion driving perfectionism and workaholism. It shows up as that nagging voice demanding more, criticizing every misstep, and fueling tension that spills into irritability. You might beat yourself up for not meeting impossible standards or lash out at others when things don’t go perfectly.

There’s More Beneath the Anger

If perfectionism has kept you bottling things up, you’re not alone. Therapy can help you understand the roots of your anger—and finally start letting go. Reach out when you’re ready.

Common signs of self-criticism:

  • Constant self-doubt, even after successes (e.g., “That promotion? You just got lucky—don’t mess it up now.”).
  • Overworking to avoid “failure,” leading to exhaustion and short-tempered reactions.
  • Quick anger toward yourself or loved ones, masking deeper fatigue.
  • Physical symptoms like tension headaches or insomnia, all tied to the fear of not being enough.

What Self-Criticism Sounds Like

  • “Why can’t I ever get this right? I’m such a failure” (when facing a minor setback at work).
  • “Everyone else is handling this better than me—I’m just not good enough” (during social comparisons).
  • “I should have known better; how could I be so stupid?” (after making a simple mistake).
  • “If I don’t push harder, I’ll never succeed, and I’ll disappoint everyone” (fueling workaholism).
  • “Look at me, messing up again—no wonder no one takes me seriously” (in moments of self-doubt about personal relationships).

This critic keeps you in survival mode, but it’s often more than just habit—it’s a deeply ingrained defense mechanism known as introjection, and it’s keeping you stuck in anger.

Self-Criticism Keeps You Stuck in Anger

That relentless self-criticism isn’t just exhausting—it directly fuels the anger and stress boiling inside you, directed at yourself and spilling over onto others. Picture this: a deadline slips, and instead of grace, you lash out internally with “You’re useless—why can’t you handle this?” This self-directed fury builds resentment, making you snap at colleagues or loved ones over small things, all while the underlying stress festers.

It’s a vicious cycle where the critic amplifies every flaw, turning minor frustrations into explosive anger, leaving you isolated and burned out. The pain is real: it erodes your relationships, heightens anxiety, and keeps you trapped in a loop of self-sabotage, where rest feels impossible because vulnerability means admitting “weakness.”

But here’s why it persists—

This pattern often ties back to a psychological defense called introjection, where we internalize critical voices from our past, like those from parents or authority figures, and make them our own. Think of it as swallowing their judgments whole, turning them into your inner monologue.

Introjection acts like a shield: it distracts from deeper emotions like sadness or overwhelm by redirecting energy into self-blame or overachievement. You might notice this when a small setback spirals into self-attack, keeping true vulnerability at bay.

In essence, introjection functions like this:

  • It redirects energy into self-blame or overachievement, shielding you from the raw ache of sadness or exhaustion.
  • It offers a false sense of control— like thinking, “If I just push harder, I can outrun this discomfort.”
  • Over time, it sustains workaholism as a numbing strategy, but it heightens frustration when life doesn’t align with its rules.

These internalized rules keep you stuck. And yes, it can explain why managing stress and anger feels so elusive.

Why We Cling to the Critic: Staying Connected and Safe

It might sound counterintuitive, but holding onto this critical voice is often a way to maintain attachment to important figures from your past, like mom or dad. If they were demanding or critical—perhaps pushing you to excel at all costs—you might have internalized their voice as a form of loyalty or safety. Rejecting it could feel like losing that connection, even if it was painful.

For instance:

  • The voice echoes a parent’s high expectations, keeping their “presence” alive in your mind.
  • It provides a twisted sense of security: “If I criticize myself first, no one else can hurt me.”
  • This attachment sidesteps the grief of unmet needs, like the sadness of never feeling truly accepted.

As odd as it seems, this mechanism helped you survive back then. But now, it fuels the very burnout and irritability you’re trying to escape.

If you’re reading this and thinking, “This sounds like pop psychology nonsense—I’m just hard on myself because I care about doing well,” I get it. Perfectionists often dismiss interpretations like introjection as overly analytical or irrelevant. After all, you’ve built your success on self-discipline, and admitting a “defense mechanism” might feel like an excuse. You might even feel resistant, wondering if this is just another thing to “fix” perfectly.

That’s a normal reaction—your inner critic is probably already piping up, saying it’s all too touchy-feely. But here’s the thing: acknowledging this doesn’t mean you’re broken. It’s a sign of strength to question the voice that’s been running the show. Many clients start out skeptical, only to discover how liberating it is to see the critic for what it is.

The Power of Identifying Your Inner Critic: The Key to Overcoming Anger and Stress

Here’s the game-changer: Simply identifying this voice as separate from your true self is incredibly powerful. It’s the first step to dismantling the cycle of self-criticism, workaholism, and bottled-up frustration. When you recognize introjection at work, you start to see how much of your burnout is an avoidance tactic—pushing away sadness because, in the past, it wasn’t safe to feel it. Maybe emotions were dismissed or punished, so you learned to armor up with achievement.

At Here Counseling, we’ve seen this realization transform lives. Clients who once raged at minor setbacks or buried themselves in work begin to release that tension. The frustration softens, burnout eases, and they reclaim space for genuine rest and joy. It’s not about erasing the voice overnight but understanding it’s not the whole truth about you.

Step-by-Step: Personifying Your Inner Critic to Set It Free

To make this tangible, one key exercise is to personify the voice—give it a form outside yourself. This helps externalize it, making it easier to challenge and link back to its origins. Here’s how to start:

  1. Visualize It: Close your eyes and imagine the critic as a character. Is it a stern judge, a nagging parent figure, or something abstract like a dark cloud? Note its tone, appearance, and how it makes you feel. This separation shows it’s not “you”—it’s an echo. What is it saying?
  2. Draw or Describe It: Sketch the critic or write a detailed description. Include linked memories—e.g., “This voice sounds like Dad when he said I wasn’t trying hard enough.” Sharing this in therapy amplifies the insight.
  3. Confront It: Once personified, respond kindly: “I hear you over there. Now how do I feel about being spoken to this way? What would actually feel right to me?” Over time, grows our emotional awareness and flexibility, allowing burnout and frustration to fade as you process the underlying emotions.

FAQ on Self-Criticism

What is introjection in psychology?

Introjection is a defense mechanism where individuals internalize external critical voices, often from childhood, turning them into their own inner critic to avoid deeper emotions like sadness and maintain a sense of attachment or control.

How does self-criticism lead to anger and burnout?

Self-criticism amplifies flaws and redirects vulnerability into self-blame, creating a cycle of resentment that spills into anger toward oneself and others, leading to exhaustion, isolation, and burnout from constant overachievement.

What are signs of an overly critical inner voice?

Signs include constant self-doubt after successes, overworking to avoid failure, quick anger masking fatigue, and physical symptoms like headaches or insomnia tied to fears of inadequacy.

Can I overcome my inner critic on my own?

Yes, start by personifying the voice through visualization, journaling, or drawing to externalize it, then challenge it kindly; however, therapy can accelerate progress by addressing underlying traumas safely.

How does therapy help with self-criticism?

Therapy uncovers introjection’s roots, builds emotional awareness, and teaches tools like somatic practices to replace self-blame with compassion, reducing anger and burnout for more balanced living.

You’ll actually get more done… when you let go of self-criticism

You can finally address your anger, burnout, and frustration. At Here Counseling in Pasadena, we do this somatic and relational work to make vulnerability feel safe—leading to less workaholism and more balanced living.

And, to speak to your perfectionistic self: you’ll actually get more done. I promise. From helping many high-achievers like you, the self-critical voice is an albatross you carry with you, impeding what would otherwise be a much more energized, engaged experience of your work and relationships. You can actually do more and better work when you can stop white-knuckling your day and access a more playful emotional self.

Ready to quiet that critic and reclaim your peace? Explore therapy tailored for high-achievers like you. Contact Here Counseling today to schedule a session. Healing is possible, and you deserve it.

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EMDR therapy in Los Angeles
EMDR, Somatic Exercises

What is EMDR Therapy? How to Find an EMDR Therapist in Los Angeles

Life can feel overwhelming at times. The constant noise, the pressure to keep up, the endless distractions. Yet beneath it you carry something heavier, too: memories that won’t let go, a tightness in your chest that creeps up uninvited, or a sense that you’re just not fully present. Many people look to EMDR for relief, a way to untangle the past and breathe a little easier. At Here Counseling, we understand how challenging it can be to find the right therapist, and we’re here to help you navigate that journey.

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy is more than a buzzword—it’s a powerful, somatic approach to processing trauma and experiencing peace. In this article, (1) I’ll walk you through what EMDR is, how it works, and why it’s so effective. (2) I’ll also share the practical side of finding an EMDR therapist, especially if you’re in a big city like Los Angeles, where the search can feel daunting. Most importantly, (3) I’ll show you how the real magic of EMDR happens—not just in the technique, but in the connection you build with your therapist.

Break Free from Trauma with EMDR

Work with expert EMDR therapists in Los Angeles and start your healing journey today—safe, effective, and personalized care.


What is EMDR Therapy?

EMDR therapy is an evidence-based treatment designed to help you process trauma and distressing memories. Developed by Francine Shapiro in the 1980s, it’s widely used for PTSD, anxiety, and more. You might have heard about the bilateral stimulation—guided eye movements, tapping, or tones—used while recalling tough moments. That’s part of it, but here’s the core: EMDR isn’t just about the mechanics. It’s about the safety and trust you feel with your therapist, which lets your brain and body release what’s been stuck.

EMDR Frequently Asked Questions: "What is EMDR? Is it Evidence-based?"

Think of it like this: trauma can trap pieces of your past in a loop, replaying in your mind or showing up as tension you can’t explain. EMDR, paired with the right therapeutic relationship, helps unlock those pieces so they can settle into a quieter place.


How Does EMDR Therapy Work?

EMDR follows an eight-phase process that’s carefully structured to keep you grounded every step of the way:

  1. History-Taking: We start by getting to know you—your story, your struggles, and what you want to work on.
  2. Preparation: Your therapist helps you feel safe with tools like breathing exercises, building a foundation of trust.
  3. Assessment: You identify the memories or beliefs that hurt—and the ones you’d like to feel instead.
  4. Desensitization: This is where bilateral stimulation comes in, guided by your therapist, to help your brain reprocess the memory.
  5. Installation: We reinforce positive beliefs, like “I am enough,” to take root.
  6. Body Scan: You check in with yourself—any lingering tension?—to ensure it feels resolved.
  7. Closure: Every session ends with calm, so you leave feeling steady.
  8. Reevaluation: We check in later to see how you’re doing and adjust the plan if needed.

The bilateral stimulation often gets the spotlight, but the real shift happens through attunement. Dr. Daniel Siegel, a leader in developmental neurobiology, talks about co-regulation—how two people’s nervous systems sync up to create calm. In EMDR, that connection with your therapist allows your brain to rewire those old, painful pathways.


The Science Behind EMDR: It’s All About Connection

You might ask, “Do the eye movements really do all that?” They help, but the deeper healing comes from something more fundamental. Our early relationships shape the structure and function of our brains and bodies. When early relationships are unsafe, our minds respond by shutting down the emotional processes it needs to recover from harm. EMDR, done with a therapist who’s truly present, repairs that by creating a new experience of safety, which reactivates the structures the mind needs to recover from harm.

Daniel Siegel’s research supports this: when you are “attuned” to another person, your nervous system relaxes enough to process what’s been stuck. It’s like the “bilateral” movement isn’t just in your eyes or hands—it’s in you and your therapist’s brain’s activity, shifting how trauma can be experienced. That’s why the therapeutic relationship in EMDR is so vital.


Common Misconceptions About EMDR Therapy

Let’s clear up some myths about EMDR:

  • “It’s all about the eye movements.”
    Not quite. They’re a tool, but the safety with your therapist drives the change.
  • “It’s only for big trauma.”
    False. EMDR works for everything from PTSD to everyday stress or self-doubt.
  • “Healing with EMDR is instant, or can be fixed in 1-2 sessions”
    It’s not a quick fix. Healing unfolds over time, guided by your needs.

Finding EMDR Therapy in Los Angeles: What You Need to Know

If you’re in a big city like Los Angeles, finding the right EMDR therapist can feel like a challenge all its own. Here’s why—and how Here Counseling makes it easier.

Why it’s Hard to Find EMDR Therapists in Los Angeles

  • So Many Providers: LA is home to countless therapists, which sounds great until you’re overwhelmed by the sheer number of options. Sifting through them to find someone trained in EMDR can feel like searching for a needle in a haystack.
  • Location Matters: In a sprawling city like LA, getting to therapy can be a trek. A convenient location can make or break your ability to commit to regular sessions.
  • In-Person Office Space: Many therapists offer only virtual sessions these days, but EMDR often shines brightest in person. Finding someone with a dedicated office space isn’t as common as you’d think.
  • Parking Woes: Parking in LA can be a nightmare. Circling the block before a session isn’t exactly the calm start you want for healing.

Here Counseling is a Great Place to Start EMDR Therapy

At Here Counseling, we’ve built our practice to tackle these hurdles head-on:

  • Convenient Downtown Location: Our office is in the historic Biltmore Court Offices in downtown LA, putting us right in the heart of the city. It’s easy to reach, no matter where you’re coming from. We also have an office space in Pasadena if you’re closer to San Gabriel Valley.
  • In-Person Office Space: We believe in the power of face-to-face connection. Our welcoming, private office provides a safe space to fully engage in the EMDR process.
  • Accessible Parking: We’ve made sure there are nearby parking options, so you can arrive at your session relaxed, not frazzled from a parking hunt.
  • Expert EMDR Therapists: Our team is trained in the latest EMDR techniques and committed to creating a trusting, attuned relationship with you.

In a city as vast as Los Angeles, finding the right therapist shouldn’t add to your stress. We’re here to simplify the process, so you can focus on your healing.


Real-Life Benefits of EMDR Therapy

Imagine this:

  • Moving through your day without that familiar dread.
  • Feeling lighter in your own skin, free from “what ifs.”
  • Connecting with others without old pain creeping in.

These aren’t just hopes—clients tell us this is what EMDR can unlock. It’s not about erasing the past; it’s about making it something you can live with, not fight against.


Is EMDR Therapy Right for You?

Ask yourself:

  • Do you feel trapped by worry, sadness, or memories?
  • Does something from your past still pull you back?
  • Are you ready to feel supported as you heal?

If that rings true, EMDR could be your next step. We offer a free consultation to explore it together—no pressure, just clarity.

Find EMDR Support That Works

Discover how EMDR therapy can help you heal deep emotional wounds. Book a consultation with a certified therapist near you.


Ready to Start Healing?

You don’t have to carry this alone. EMDR therapy can help you process what’s been holding you back and step into a freer version of yourself. At Here Counseling, we’re here to walk with you.


Quick Answers about EMDR in Los Angeles

  • What is EMDR therapy?
    EMDR is a trauma therapy that uses a structured process, including bilateral stimulation, to help you process painful memories with a therapist’s support.
  • How does EMDR therapy work?
    It works by creating safety with your therapist, using bilateral stimulation to reprocess trauma and calm your nervous system.
  • What are the benefits of EMDR?
    EMDR can reduce anxiety, lighten emotional burdens, and help you feel more present and connected.
  • Who can benefit from EMDR therapy?
    Anyone with trauma, stress, or lingering emotional pain—big or small—can find relief with EMDR.
  • How do I find an EMDR therapist in Los Angeles?
    Look for a therapist with a convenient location, in-person office space, and accessible parking. Here Counseling offers all this in downtown LA at the Biltmore Court Offices, and in Pasadena.

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Pasadena couples therapy
Healthy Relationships, Managing emotions

Addiction Impacting your Relationship? How to Talk with Your Partner about Couples Therapy

Addiction—to pornography, gambling, or alcohol—casts a long shadow over relationships, often fracturing trust, draining finances, and eroding emotional intimacy. We’ll address pressing questions partners often ask:

  • Why does my partner behave this way?
  • How is the addiction affecting our relationship?
  • Am I to blame for their addiction?
  • How can I broach the topic of couples therapy?

How Addiction Impacts Couples

The following stories, pulled from Reddit posts, offer a glimpse into the pain and complexity of loving someone with an addiction. These anonymous quotes reflect the emotional, financial, and relational toll of pornography, gambling, and alcohol addiction.

Don’t Let Addiction Break Your Bond

Couples therapy can help you rebuild trust, improve communication, and heal together—take the first step today.

Pornography Addiction

Partners of those addicted to pornography often describe feelings of betrayal, inadequacy, and a crumbling sense of intimacy. The addiction can feel like an invisible rival, sapping the relationship of closeness.

  • “I found out he’s been watching porn for hours every night. I feel like I’m not enough, like I’m competing with something I can’t match. We barely touch anymore, and when we do, it feels empty.”
  • “He promised he’d stop, but I keep finding new tabs, new excuses. It’s like he’s choosing those videos over me, and I don’t know how to make him see how much it hurts.”

These stories highlight the emotional exhaustion and self-doubt partners face, often questioning their worth while grappling with broken promises.

Gambling Addiction

Gambling addiction frequently brings financial devastation and a web of lies, leaving partners to pick up the pieces while trust erodes.

  • “We’re drowning in debt because of his gambling. He sold my old laptop to bet more, and I didn’t even know until the buyer contacted me. How do you trust someone after that?”
  • “He keeps saying it’s just one more bet to win it all back, but we’ve lost everything—savings, our car, my peace of mind. I’m so tired of his lies.”

These accounts reveal the chaos of financial ruin and the sting of deception, with partners often discovering the addiction’s extent only after significant damage.

Alcohol Addiction

Alcohol addiction transforms partners into strangers, introducing unpredictability, manipulation, and sometimes fear into the relationship.

  • “When he drinks, he’s someone else—angry, cruel, gone. I’m walking on eggshells, never knowing if he’ll be sober or a mess when I get home.”
  • “He lies about where he’s been, how much he’s had. I’m so drained from pretending everything’s fine when I know he’s hiding bottles again.”

These quotes capture the emotional toll of living with an alcoholic partner, where love is tested against constant uncertainty and manipulation.

Addiction and Accommodation

In our therapy practice in Pasadena, we often see couples for whom addiction has become a central feature of their relationship. Sometimes the addiction starts before the relationship, other times, it develops over time within the relationship. Either way, addiction isn’t simply an individual behavior; it quickly becomes part of the harmful pattern the couple experiences.

For the addict, the addiction can sometimes be a cry for help. It’s often an act of withdrawal from emotional pain that serves to both mask and express the person’s inner world. It can be a way of expressing to the partner “I’m going to tell you, through my actions, just how much I feel like life is too much to handle.” This places an unfair and difficult to resolve tension on the relationship.

For the partner of the addict, the addictive behavior can cause many understandable emotions. Some partners unwittingly enable the addictive behavior by either outright accommodating the behavior, or even simply by suppressing the impact the behavior is having on them. These partners will remain quiet, even when emotionally they feel angry, overwhelmed, and anxious about the addictive behaviors.

For this reason, it’s helpful to think about something called pathological accommodation whenever we think about addiction and couples. Pathological accommodation describes a pattern where one partner excessively adjusts their behavior to meet the other’s needs, often sacrificing their own well-being. In relationships with addiction, Both partners can suffer from pathological accommodation.

How does pathological accommodation impact couples with addiction?

According to intersubjective systems theory (Jones, 2009, Addiction and Pathological Accommodation), pathological accommodation often stems from early experiences where differentiation—the ability to maintain a distinct sense of self—was stifled.

In such dynamics, the accommodating partner may take on excessive responsibility for the relationship’s stability, enabling the addict by shielding them from consequences. For example, covering up lies or managing finances alone can reduce the addict’s incentive to change.

For the addict, pathological accommodation is sometimes a driving force for addictive behavior. When a person experiences live as a series of unavoidable demands, addictive behaviors function like an escape hatch. They may feel that they’re only able to escape accommodation by drinking.

Answering Key Questions

For partners navigating the turmoil of addiction, here are answers to common questions, informed by Reddit stories and the lens of pathological accommodation:

1. Why does my partner have addictive behaviors?

Addiction often serves as an escape from deeper issues like stress, trauma, or emotional disconnection. Your partner’s behavior—whether compulsively watching pornography, gambling, or drinking—may be their attempt to cope with these struggles. They may tend to avoid accountability, retreating further into addiction. As seen in Reddit posts, partners describe addicts as “someone else” when under the influence, highlighting how addiction hijacks their behavior, not your worth or actions.

2. How is the addictive behavior impacting our relationship?

The Reddit stories paint a vivid picture of addiction’s toll:

  • Broken Trust: Lies about pornography use or gambling debts, as in “He keeps saying it’s just one more bet,” shatter trust.
  • Emotional Disconnect: Partners feel neglected, as seen in “We barely touch anymore,” with addiction consuming the addict’s attention.
  • Financial Ruin: Gambling or alcohol can drain resources, with one user noting, “We’ve lost everything—savings, our car.”
  • Instability: Alcohol’s unpredictability, like “walking on eggshells,” creates a volatile home life.
  • Self-Esteem Damage: Partners of porn addicts, for example, feel inadequate, as in “I’m competing with something I can’t match.”

3. Is it my fault my partner is addicted to a substance?

No, you are not to blame for your partner’s addiction. Addiction stems from a web of factors, including your partner’s own psychological and biological predispositions. Your partner’s addiction behaviors are their own responsibility. Emotional boundaries are incredibly important for a couple who is struggling with addictive behaviors. It’s important for each partner to own and express their own feelings and needs.

Heal Together, Not Alone

Facing addiction in your relationship? Get expert support to navigate the pain and reconnect with your partner.

4. How can I talk with my partner about their addiction to start couples therapy?

Broaching this conversation requires care, especially to avoid reinforcing accommodating patterns. Here’s how, inspired by Reddit advice and therapeutic principles:

  • Pick a Calm Moment: Choose a time when your partner is sober and you’re both relaxed to ensure a productive dialogue.
  • Use “I” Statements: Say, “I feel hurt and worried about how your [addiction] is affecting us,” to express your pain without blame, echoing Reddit users’ calls for honest communication.
  • Propose Therapy as a Team Effort: Suggest, “I think couples therapy could help us understand each other and rebuild. I want us to face this together,” framing it as a shared goal.
  • Set Clear Boundaries: State what you won’t tolerate, like, “I can’t keep covering for you, but I’ll support you if you seek help,” breaking the cycle of accommodation.
  • Expect Pushback: As Reddit users note, addicts may deny or deflect. Stay firm yet empathetic, reiterating your commitment to the relationship’s health.

Couples therapy can help unravel the addiction and accommodation patterns, fostering communication and accountability for both partners.

Addiction to pornography, gambling, or alcohol ravages relationships. Many couples can attest to the heartbreak of broken trust, financial ruin, and emotional distance. Partners are not to blame for the addiction, but understanding the emotional pattern empowers them to set boundaries and seek change. By initiating honest conversations and pursuing couples therapy, couples can begin to heal, reclaiming their relationship from the grip of addiction.

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Anxiety, Neurology, Podcast, Somatic Exercises

[VIDEO] Understanding Your Body’s Signals: A Neurologic Physical Therapist’s Insights on Pain, Healing, and Hope

Living with unexplained dizziness, tremors, or weakness can feel like a daily battle. You might wake up dreading the moment you turn your head, fearing that spinning sensation will return. Or perhaps your hands shake when you reach for a cup, and you wonder if it’s all in your head—or if something’s seriously wrong. These symptoms can make you feel trapped, isolated, and desperate for answers.

At Casa Colina Hospital in Pomona, neurologic physical therapist Dan Humphrey works with people just like you, helping them navigate neurologic and somatic symptoms to reclaim their lives. In a recent podcast, Dan shared profound insights about how our bodies process pain, the power of neuroplasticity, and the surprising connection between mind and body. Here are the key lessons to help you understand your symptoms and find a path forward.

Your Body Is Speaking—Are You Listening?

Discover how neurologic physical therapy can decode your pain, promote healing, and restore hope to your journey.

Lesson 1: Your Brain Can Rewire Itself to Heal

If you’re struggling with symptoms like dizziness or weakness after a stroke, brain injury, or even stress, it’s easy to feel like your body is broken. But Dan emphasizes the incredible power of neuroplasticity—your brain’s ability to adapt and rewire itself. “We’re really relying on the neuroplasticity of the brain, the ability of the brain to change,” Dan explains. This means that even if part of your brain is damaged, nearby areas can step in to help, like borrowing strength from a neighboring bridge strut when one is weakened.

What This Means for You: Your symptoms don’t have to define you forever. Through targeted exercises and strategies, a neurologic physical therapist can guide your brain to form new pathways. For example, if you’ve lost strength in one hand after a stroke, practicing tasks like writing with that hand—even when it feels exhausting—can retrain your brain. Ask yourself: What small, meaningful task (like holding a pen or walking to the mailbox) could you practice to start this rewiring process?

Lesson 2: Pain and Symptoms Often Have Emotional Roots

You might feel your symptoms physically—shaking, dizziness, or numbness—but Dan’s work reveals that these can stem from emotional or psychological stress, especially in conditions like functional neurologic disorder (FND). He describes a patient who felt unsteady months after an ear infection cleared, driven by fear that moving her head would trigger vertigo again. “This was fear avoidant behavior,” Dan notes, treated through gradual exposure to movement, like picking up objects from the floor. This isn’t “all in your head” in a dismissive way—your brain’s fear response is amplifying real physical sensations.

What This Means for You: If you avoid activities like bending over or going outside because you’re scared of triggering symptoms, your brain might be stuck in a protective mode. This doesn’t mean your pain isn’t real; it means your nervous system is on high alert. Working with a therapist trained in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) or habituation techniques can help you safely face these triggers. Try this: Next time you feel a symptom flare, pause and ask, “Am I feeling anxious or unsafe?” Naming the emotion can be a first step to calming your body’s response.

Lesson 3: Meaningful Goals Make Healing Possible

Rehabilitation can feel grueling, especially when symptoms make everyday tasks daunting. Dan stresses that healing happens when you have a reason to push through. He worked with a patient with a spinal cord injury who loved fishing, so therapy focused on getting him back on a boat—not fixing his injury entirely, but enabling what mattered most. “How can we still get you doing the things that you care about?” Dan asks. This salience, or personal importance, drives your brain to adapt.

What This Means for You: Think about what you miss most—writing a note to a loved one, playing with your kids, or even gardening. These goals give your brain a “why” to rewire itself. Share these with your therapist so they can tailor exercises to what lights you up. For instance, if you want to write birthday cards again, practicing hand movements with that goal in mind can feel less like a chore and more like a step toward joy. What’s one activity you’d love to reclaim, and how could you start practicing it today?

Lesson 4: Your Mind and Body Are Inseparable

You might feel frustrated when doctors can’t find a clear cause for your symptoms on a scan, or worse, suggest it’s “psychological.” Dan challenges this outdated separation of mind and body, rooted in historical ideas from philosophers like Plato. Modern science shows “very real interactions between the mind and body that require treatment in both senses,” he says. For example, a woman with tremors had no physical cause on tests, but her symptoms eased when Dan helped her face feared movements in a safe space, reducing her brain’s stress response.

What This Means for You: Your symptoms might feel purely physical, but stress, trauma, or anxiety can amplify them. This isn’t your fault—it’s how your brain prioritizes threats. A holistic approach, combining physical therapy with mental health support, can address both sides. If you’re told “it’s all in your head,” seek providers who validate your experience and offer tools like graded exposure or mindfulness. Reflect: Could talking to a counselor about stress or past trauma complement your physical therapy?

Lesson 5: You Have the Power to Take Charge

It’s easy to feel helpless when symptoms persist, especially if you’ve tried treatments that didn’t work. Dan believes in self-efficacy—empowering you to drive your own recovery. He tells patients, “I didn’t do anything. I just bossed you around!” to emphasize their role in their success. For one patient, suggesting she find her own path outside his care sparked a shift toward ownership. “The work’s been done… This for the rest is up to you,” Dan says.

What This Means for You: You’re not just a passenger in your healing journey. Small choices—like doing prescribed exercises, asking questions about your treatment, or exploring new therapies—build confidence. If a provider’s approach isn’t clicking, it’s okay to seek someone who resonates with you. A strong therapeutic alliance, where you feel heard and supported, can make all the difference. Try this: Write down one question to ask your doctor or therapist at your next visit to feel more in control.

Healing Starts With Understanding

Learn how personalized care from a neurologic physical therapist can help you reconnect with your body and regain your life.

A Path Forward for Your Healing

Your symptoms—whether dizziness, tremors, or unexplained pain—are real, and they’re your body’s way of signaling that it needs help. As Dan Humphrey’s work shows, healing isn’t just about fixing a broken part; it’s about teaching your brain new ways to move, calming its fear responses, and reconnecting with what makes life meaningful. Your brain is adaptable, your emotions are valid, and you have the strength to take charge.

If you’re ready to explore these ideas, consider reaching out to a neurologic physical therapist or a mental health professional who understands the mind-body connection. At Casa Colina, experts like Dan are dedicated to helping you rebuild independence, one meaningful step at a time. What’s the first step you’ll take today to listen to your body and start healing?

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