Friendships are one of the most meaningful parts of being human. They give us places to soften, to be seen, to grow, and to feel accompanied through life. And yet for many people—especially adults living in busy cities like Los Angeles—friendships can feel surprisingly complicated. You may want connection but struggle to find it.
You may long for deeper relationships but feel unsure of how to build them. You may carry past hurt that makes closeness feel risky, even while you crave it.
If this resonates with you, you’re not alone. Many people come to therapy because their relationships feel confusing, painful, or simply less fulfilling than they hoped.
Healthy friendships aren’t about having a large social circle; they’re about having a few people who feel safe, reciprocal, and emotionally nourishing.
The good news is that these kinds of friendships can be cultivated at any age, and the skills needed to build them are learnable.
At Here Counseling, we help people navigate the emotional layers of friendship—from healing old wounds to learning how to communicate, set boundaries, and show up authentically.
Below, we explore what healthy friendships look like, why building them can feel so hard, and how you can begin creating connections that truly support your wellbeing.
Why Friendships Matter So Much More Than We Often Realize
We don’t always talk about the impact friendships have on our mental health, but the connection is powerful. Supportive friendships help regulate the nervous system, lower stress, and increase feelings of safety.
They can reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression, improve emotional resilience, and even support physical health outcomes like better sleep, reduced inflammation, and longer life expectancy.
While romantic relationships and family ties often get more attention, friendships carry their own unique emotional significance. They’re relationships we choose, relationships built on genuine connection rather than obligation. Having even one or two friendships where you feel fully accepted can transform how grounded, confident, and supported you feel day to day.
But wanting connection doesn’t make it easy to find. For many adults in Los Angeles—where careers, commutes, and social pressure can make life feel crowded yet lonely—building healthy friendships can feel overwhelming. It can be difficult to know where to begin, what to look for, or how to open up without fear of misunderstanding or rejection.
If that’s where you are today, it’s okay. There are understandable reasons friendships may feel challenging, and there are gentle, effective ways to begin building the kinds of relationships your heart actually needs.
What a Healthy Friendship Truly Looks Like
Healthy friendships have a felt sense to them. They feel open, grounding, safe, and balanced. You don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to pretend. You don’t have to earn your place. There is room for you—your joy, your vulnerability, your mistakes, your needs.
Healthy friendships often include a few core elements:
Emotional safety. You feel accepted rather than judged, and you trust that your feelings matter. There is kindness and stability, even through conflict.
Mutuality and reciprocity. You both show up for each other. One person isn’t carrying all the emotional load or always adjusting themselves to maintain harmony.
Respect for boundaries. Each of you has space to have needs, limits, and a life outside the friendship. Connection doesn’t require over-giving or constant availability.
Consistency. Healthy friendships don’t have to be intense. They grow through small, steady moments that stack over time—check-ins, shared activities, mutual celebration, honest conversations.
Emotional range. You can laugh together, share meaningful experiences, navigate discomfort, repair misunderstandings, and support each other through hard seasons.
Unhealthy or draining friendships often have the opposite qualities. They might feel one-sided, unpredictable, or emotionally unsafe. You might constantly walk on eggshells or leave interactions feeling tense, guilty, or small. These patterns don’t mean you failed; they often reflect older relational wounds and coping strategies you learned when connection didn’t feel safe.
Understanding this is the first step toward creating the kinds of friendships that actually support your wellbeing.
Why Building Friendships as an Adult Can Feel So Hard
Many adults assume friendship should be natural, effortless, or automatic. But the truth is, building healthy friendships is a complex emotional skill set—one most of us were never taught.
Several factors can make friendship feel harder than expected:
Past Hurt or Relational Trauma
If you’ve experienced betrayal, bullying, exclusion, or friendships that ended abruptly, your nervous system may still brace against closeness. Even positive relationships can trigger fear of being hurt again.
Attachment Wounds
Early experiences shape how comfortable we feel with intimacy. If caregivers were dismissive, unpredictable, or overly enmeshed, friendships in adulthood can bring up similar anxieties—fear of abandonment, fear of being too much, or fear of not being enough.
Social Anxiety, Shame, or Self-Doubt
Many people worry they’ll be judged, misunderstood, or rejected. This can make initiating or deepening friendships feel terrifying, even when you want connection. You might second-guess yourself or withdraw to feel safe.
People-Pleasing and Boundary Difficulties
If you learned to stay connected by over-giving, smoothing conflict, or minimizing your needs, friendships can become emotionally draining. Without boundaries, resentment grows instead of closeness.
Life Transitions
Adulthood brings moves, career shifts, breakups, new babies, remote work, and changing social schedules. It’s common to outgrow friendships or lose built-in sources of connection.
None of this means you’re incapable of friendship. It simply means you’re human—and you deserve relationships that feel safe, mutual, and kind.
Practical Ways to Build Healthy Friendships as an Adult
Healthy friendships aren’t created through intensity or pressure—they grow slowly through small, intentional steps. Here are some gentle ways to begin:
Clarify What You Want
Some people thrive with a wide community; others prefer one or two emotionally close friends. Understanding what connection means to you helps guide your energy.
Put Yourself Where Connection Can Happen
Friendships often grow from shared context. You might explore interest-based spaces such as fitness groups, creative workshops, volunteer teams, community classes, spiritual communities, or neighborhood gatherings. In Los Angeles, where neighborhoods have their own cultures, new opportunities often emerge through local events or shared creative interests.
Let Conversations Unfold Naturally
Connection doesn’t require being impressive. Ask simple, curious questions. Share small pieces of yourself. Compliment something genuine. The goal isn’t to perform—it’s to relate.
Follow Up Gently
If you meet someone you enjoy, send a quick message saying you liked talking with them. Suggest coffee or invite them to something low-pressure. Many friendships deepen because someone made a small gesture of warmth.
Build Trust Through Consistency
You don’t need dramatic vulnerability. You simply need regular, meaningful touch points—checking in after a hard day, sharing something funny, remembering something they told you last time.
Allow Imperfection
You will feel awkward sometimes. You may say something you regret, or feel unsure of what the other person thinks. That’s normal. Friendship is built through real moments, not flawless ones.
These steps can feel intimidating, especially if you carry anxiety or past relational wounds—but they become easier with support and practice.
Nurturing, Repairing, and Rebalancing Friendships Over Time
Healthy friendships are not static. They change as people change. As life shifts—jobs, relationships, health, capacity—friendships require flexibility, communication, and care.
Checking in, reaching out during busy periods, and integrating friendship into daily life (like walking together, sharing meals, or running errands side by side) helps keep connection alive.
And when conflict or distance arises, friendships can often be repaired through honest conversations, accountability, and mutual willingness to understand each other. Repair doesn’t mean ignoring pain—it means approaching it with respect and compassion.
Not every friendship will be close or lifelong. Some friendships become seasonal or more peripheral, and that’s completely okay. What matters is that your friendships feel emotionally aligned and supportive of your wellbeing.
When a Friendship Begins to Hurt
Sometimes, despite your efforts, a friendship becomes draining, disrespectful, or emotionally unsafe. It may leave you feeling depleted, anxious, diminished, or consistently hurt.
Recognizing this is not a failure—it’s an act of clarity. You deserve relationships that nourish you.
Therapy can help you understand whether a friendship can be repaired or whether it’s time to create distance or end the relationship with care. Grieving a friendship can be painful, but sometimes it opens space for healthier, more aligned connections.
How Therapy Can Support You in Building Healthy Friendships
Friendship isn’t just social—it’s deeply emotional and often tied to early experiences. Because of this, therapy can be a transformative space for healing and learning new ways of relating.
At Here Counseling, we help you understand the relational patterns you’ve carried into adulthood. You might explore:
- Why you’re drawn to certain kinds of friendships
- Why you feel anxious, disconnected, or overly responsible around others
- How past trauma, childhood experiences, or attachment wounds shape your relationships
- How to set boundaries without guilt or fear
- How to communicate authentically
- How to allow yourself to be seen and supported
Our therapists use approaches like EMDR, Somatic Therapy, and relational psychodynamic therapy to help you heal the deeper emotional layers that affect your friendships.
We also support you in practicing new patterns—assertiveness, vulnerability, boundary-setting, emotional safety—in a therapeutic relationship first, so it feels easier to bring into your friendships later.
If loneliness, disconnection, or friendship struggles feel heavy, therapy can give you a safe place to begin shifting these patterns toward the connection you desire.
A Gentle Closing: You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
If building or maintaining friendships feels overwhelming, complicated, or painful, there is nothing wrong with you. Many adults quietly struggle with connection. You deserve relationships where you feel respected, understood, and genuinely valued.
You don’t have to keep navigating this alone.
Here Counseling offers in-person therapy in Los Angeles and online therapy throughout California, and we can match you with a therapist who understands the emotional complexity of friendships, attachment, connection, and loneliness.
If you’re ready to begin building healthier, more fulfilling friendships—from the inside out—we’re here to support you.
Schedule a call with our Care Coordinator today, and we’ll match you with a therapist within a week. Connection is possible. Healing is possible. You deserve friendships that feel like home.
FAQs
Why is it so hard to make friends as an adult?
Adulthood reduces built-in social structures and adds stress, mobility, and busyness. Past hurts, social anxiety, or attachment patterns can also make connection feel risky.
What does a healthy friendship look like?
It feels emotionally safe, mutual, respectful, and consistent. You can be yourself without fear, and both people show care and effort.
How many friends do I need to feel fulfilled?
Quality matters more than quantity. Research shows that even one or two emotionally close friends can significantly improve wellbeing.
What if I’m introverted or socially anxious?
You can absolutely build friendships at your own pace. Therapy can help you develop confidence, communication skills, and tools for managing anxiety.
Is it okay to end a friendship that’s hurting me?
Yes. If a relationship consistently leaves you feeling drained, unsafe, or unseen, it may be healthier to step back. Therapy can help you navigate this process.
Can therapy help me build healthier friendships?
Yes. Therapy provides emotional insight, healing from past wounds, and practical relational skills that make healthy connection easier and safer.