Certain relationships feel like a rerun of old wounds.

Maybe it’s a partner whose constant criticism makes you feel small, just like a judgmental parent did in childhood. Or perhaps their helplessness leaves you frustrated and overburdened, echoing the abandonment from an unreliable caregiver.

These “toxic” relationships aren’t accidents—they’re born from pains being desperately avoided. In fact, they come from specific emotions that you’ve tried to avoid, like anger, sexuality, anxiety, or sadness.

These avoided emotions tend to reemerge in close relationships, acting like a nagging splinter you can’t get out. Why does this happen? In this article you’ll learn the two ways your mind recreates the emotional you’re trying to avoid in your closest relationships and in your mind, and how confronting the pain actually leads to freedom from the cycle.

The Vicious Cycle: Why Avoided Pain Keeps Coming Back

A lot of energy goes into dodging painful experiences. Whether it’s vowing never to explode in anger like a volatile parent or swearing off any hint of dependency after feeling let down as a kid, the goal is clear: avoid that hurt at all costs. But here’s the irony—the more something is run from, the more it shows up, often in the closest relationships. This isn’t just bad luck; it’s rooted in how the mind and emotions work.

Humans are wired to feel the full range of emotions: anger, affection, sadness, confidence, helplessness, and more. Self-regulation—the ability to handle these without getting overwhelmed—depends on integrating them all. Picture the mind as a spacious house. If one room represents a scary emotion, like anxiety or erotic feelings, and it’s boarded up, that room doesn’t shrink away. It expands, demanding attention until the door is opened.

Childhood often sets this up. For instance, an angry parent might lead you to disown anger entirely: “If I express it, I’ll hurt people and get rejected.” Sexuality could feel taboo, especially if it was shamed. Or helplessness might be rejected, particularly for those socialized to always appear strong, like many men. These disowned parts don’t disappear—they get recreated either inside the mind or in external relationships through two mechanisms: introjection and projection.

Introjection: When the Pain Becomes Your Own Inner Voice

Introjection is one way avoided pain loops back internally. It’s like taking a painful dynamic from someone else and making it part of the self, often as a way to cope or stay connected to that person, even if it’s harmful. Psychoanalyst Nancy McWilliams describes this as evolving from early “incorporation,” where children essentially swallow aspects of others whole, to more mature forms of identification. In essence, it’s an unconscious defense that internalizes attitudes or behaviors to manage anxiety, but it can turn self-destructive.

Think of it this way: repeated exposures in childhood carve deep tracks in the mind. These become inherited ways of handling emotions, even if they’re unhelpful. Heinz Kohut, a key figure in self psychology, linked such internalizations to building a sense of self, where external supports (like a parent’s validation) get taken in to form inner resilience. But when the internalized part is critical or punishing, it creates an ongoing internal struggle.

The Critical Parent Inside: A Real-Life Example

Take the example of a critical dad who always found fault—naysaying ideas, never fully satisfied, unable to share in happiness. As a child, this might make you feel small, embarrassed, or insignificant. The response? “I’m never going to be like that. I don’t want to experience that pain again, and I won’t inflict it on others.” So, as an adult, distance is created: avoiding that parent, steering clear of critical friends, protecting peace by limiting exposure.

But here’s where introjection kicks in. Even after cutting ties, a template forms in the mind from those years of interaction. While working on a project, applying for a job, or planning something special, an inner voice pipes up: “Why do you have to do that? You can’t get it right. That’s not good enough.” It’s the same criticism, now self-directed. This isn’t random—it’s because those well-worn childhood paths become part of self-regulation, a way to navigate emotions.

Worse, there’s often an attachment to this voice. Deep down, it feels like without that self-criticism, things would fall apart—you’d be a mess, an embarrassment, unworthy. It’s a twisted way of staying connected to the parent, believing their harshness somehow kept you in line. Acknowledging this is hard: realizing that no matter how many people are cut off, the voice remains, and that there’s even some affection for it, like a keepsake. But until it’s faced—as a defense against deeper shame or smallness—the pain recreates itself, turning the inner world into a “bad relationship” with the self.

Projection: Pushing Pain Onto Partners and Friends

Projection takes the disowned emotion and attributes it to someone else, outsourcing the feeling while still engaging with it indirectly. It’s a defense that keeps the self unaware of its own role, as McWilliams notes: “Projection is the process whereby what is inside is misunderstood as coming from outside.” In healthy forms, it’s the root of empathy—projecting personal experiences to understand others. But when it involves intolerable parts, like hidden hostility or dependency, it breeds misunderstandings and damage.

Melanie Klein, an object relations theorist, saw projection as part of a cycle with introjection, where “good” and “bad” mental representations (objects) get split, pushed out, and pulled back in to ease anxieties. Otto Kernberg built on this, describing how these processes organize early internalizations, often fusing feared elements into ongoing relational patterns.

The Helpless Savior Dynamic: How Projection Builds Toxicity

Let’s use helplessness as an illustration. Suppose a parent was perpetually overwhelmed—throwing up hands, unable to handle responsibilities, leaving you to pick up the slack. As a kid, this feels shameful and abandoning: “I never want to be that way; if I am, no one will care for me.” So, vulnerability gets disowned.

In adulthood, helpless moments still arise—we’re human, needing support sometimes. But owning that feels too risky. Instead, projection happens: attributing helplessness to others. Relationships form where you play the savior—doing things unasked, assuming they can’t manage, dismissing their input or wisdom. Suddenly, the partner resembles that unreliable parent, and annoyance builds. You’ve recreated the very dynamic avoided, now externalized.

This extends to other emotions. With anger from a raging parent, tension rises, and it’s assumed the other is furious: “What are you so angry about?” This gaslighting or denial can provoke real anger in them, making you the “calm” one while they embody the disowned part. There’s even subtle attraction—getting close to an angry person lets you vicariously touch that energy without owning it.

Sexuality follows suit: disowned erotic feelings get pinned on a partner—”They’re always coming on to me”—allowing denial while invading their space. Sadness might mean surrounding yourself with melancholic people, avoiding your own grief but feeling burdened by theirs.

In all cases, projection finds “containers” for the forbidden—people who might naturally lean that way, amplified by your behavior. It’s not just selection; it’s creation, turning relationships toxic until the projection is recognized.

The Path to Freedom: Returning to the Pain with Responsibility

This recreation can feel profoundly unfair, like an endless hell of repeated suffering. But there’s hope in viewing it existentially: it’s the psyche saying, “Return to the scene of the accident.” These patterns—internal critics or projected dynamics—are invitations to confront what’s avoided, to own the anger, sexuality, anxiety, or helplessness as valid parts of the self that need to be recognized and cared for.

The pain from childhood isn’t your fault—abuse, neglect, or criticism wasn’t chosen. But as adults, it’s a responsibility to address how it lingers, affecting ourselves and others. Disowning keeps the cycle spinning; acknowledging and feeling it fully brings catharsis, a release that’s been needed. Psychotherapy offers a space for this, helping integrate disconnected parts into a coherent whole, fostering relationships that bring life instead of torment.

If a “toxic” relationship feels like a echo of old pain, start by identifying the avoided experience. What emotion represents the deepest hurt? Confront it compassionately, take responsibility for its impact, and watch freedom unfold.

You can confront the pain and experience enormous relief. That’s what our therapists are trained to do. We can help you grow your awareness so you can resolve the pain you’ve experienced, so it stops being recreated in your life. Reach out to us today and schedule a consultation:

FAQ: Toxic Relationships and Avoided Pain

Why do I keep attracting toxic relationships?

Toxic relationships often stem from unresolved childhood pain, like criticism or abandonment, leading to patterns of introjection (internalizing hurts) or projection (attributing them to others). These recreate familiar dynamics until you confront and own the emotions, breaking the cycle through self-awareness and therapy.

What causes repeated patterns in bad relationships?

Patterns arise from disowned emotions—anger, helplessness, or shame—pushed away in childhood. Avoidance recreates them via defense mechanisms like introjection (echoing inner critics) or projection (outsourcing to partners), acting as a call to integrate these parts for healthier bonds.

How do I stop attracting toxic partners?

Start by identifying avoided pains and owning them—acknowledge anger or vulnerability without shame. Set boundaries, seek therapy to process childhood wounds, and surround yourself with supportive people. This shifts your energy, drawing in nourishing relationships instead of toxic ones.

What is introjection in psychology?

Introjection is internalizing others’ traits or dynamics, like adopting a critical parent’s voice as your inner critic. It helps cope with vulnerability but recreates pain internally, turning self-talk toxic until faced and reframed for better self-regulation.

What is projection in relationships?

Projection attributes disowned feelings to others, like seeing helplessness in a partner while denying your own. It builds toxic dynamics by provoking or amplifying the avoided emotion, often subconsciously recreating childhood hurts until owned through reflection and responsibility.