If you’re feeling lonely and disconnected from others in your life, you’re not alone. The U.S. surgeon general recently declared loneliness and isolation an epidemic affecting people of every age, background, and experience.¹ Whether you have struggled with loneliness for as long as you can remember or have recently become disconnected from important people in your life, there are many ways to improve your connection and enjoyment in relationships.

Social support comes from strong relationships

To improve your sense of connection to others it helps to understand what relationships provide. One of the key ways that relationships benefit us is through social support, or “the degree to which people are accepted by, cared for, and attended to by important others.”² Connection with many people in our lives, from friends and family, to romantic partners, colleagues, and those we worship or live with, promotes our mental and physical wellbeing. 

If you are experiencing isolation and loneliness, it is likely that you are also feeling impacts on your emotional and physical health like increased stress, stronger unpleasant emotions, poor sleep and fatigue. As you might guess, reduced social support also makes it harder to pursue important life goals like doing your best in school and growing in your career.

Social support gives a sense of meaning

Relationships, and the essential social support they provide, ultimately shape our sense of meaning and purpose in life. Beyond our daily needs for survival, humans are creatures who desire meaning and significance in life. Studies have found strong relationships between one’s quality of relationships and this overall sense of life satisfaction and meaning. This includes people in many different life seasons and professions. For example, those with high-stress careers like healthcare providers as well as teenagers beginning to explore life both have been found to describe their lives as more satisfying when they have supportive relationships.^3,4 

How does social support work?

The science of social support reveals fascinating insights that help us heal isolation and loneliness. Research shows that two related but distinct aspects of relationships shape our sense of social support. First there is the actual support we receive from others, known as received support. Then there is our perception or awareness of that care and acceptance, often called perceived support.

Research has found that while both aspects of support are essential, our perception of relationships may play a larger role in the mental health benefits of social support.⁵ This makes sense because no matter how amazing our friends and family are, if we are not able to receive and appreciate their love and support, we will lose out on the benefits of such support.

Three ways to overcome isolation by strengthening your relationships

While many of us intuitively know that relationships are essential to building a healthy and meaningful life, we may still struggle to improve relationships and overcome isolation. Here are three common causes of isolation that close us off from social support and three practices that can help us to move closer to our most cherished relationships:

1. We’re distracted and busy 

Even though we know relationships are important, the pressures of deadlines and schedules may crowd out time with important others, leaving us alone and disconnected. 

Practice slowing down with others. Remember that social support plays an important role in your resilience and ability to do your best in endeavors like work and school. Setting aside time for your relationships is an investment in your long-term wellbeing and reaching your goals. When do you schedule time with family and friends, commit to putting away personal devices. Remember, support means being attended to, cared for, and accepted. It’s hard to give and receive that genuine support from behind a screen. 

2. Relationships are complex

No relationship is perfectly satisfying. At times, our most supportive relationships will also be marked by conflict and stress. If we disengage at that point, we will intensify isolation, not overcome it. 

Practice gratitude for the complex relationships in your life. By journaling or remembering meaningful experiences with important others, gratitude can deepen our awareness of all the social support that we actually are receiving. While not denying what is challenging about a relationship, try to pay attention to the emotional experience of this gratitude for the relationship. If your friend is too busy to connect this week, can you remember the feeling when they dropped everything to support you? If your partner is stressed out with work, can you remember what it felt like when they encouraged you through a hard time? Because each relationship is complex, made up of satisfying and frustrating aspects, try to lean into gratitude for the gifts of that important person. That gratitude may resource you for the vital work of supporting and investing in that relationship as well.

3. We don’t want to burden people

Despite having loved ones who care for us, we may still hesitate to reach out when we are in need of acceptance, care, and support. We may fear that our needs are unimportant or simply too much. In some sense, we may even believe that we are not worthy of support and love, and actually deserve our loneliness and disconnection. 

Practice honesty with the important others in your life. Communicating your needs to loved ones invites them to join with you and provide support in the moment. Because relationships among peers (think friends, partners, siblings, and colleagues) are mutual, it won’t be long before you may be invited to support them too! If you notice yourself stuck in downplaying your own needs, consider how you would respond if a trusted person approached you with fears of being a burden. Can you imagine responding with compassion and understanding? Perhaps that is the very response you will receive as well. 

Relationships can also hurt and lead to isolation

While supportive relationships protect our health and enrich our lives, relationships can also be marked by profound pain. Close relationships can even expose us to betrayal, loss, or abuse. In these cases, isolation and loneliness may result from difficult relational experiences. If you are struggling to be present, enjoy, and give yourself in important relationships, it may be that some hurt or relational challenge is blocking the way to healthy and meaningful relationships.

How therapy can help you overcome isolation and strengthen relationships

If you feel stuck in isolation this may be a  sign that you would benefit from a supportive therapeutic relationship. Therapy is a space to help you understand what contributes to this pattern of disconnection in your life and relationships. Therapy also provides expert guidance for overcoming these patterns to live a more meaningful life with those you love. 

The relationship with a therapist is also a space to experience care, attention, and support while you navigate and strengthen other relationships in your life. This is why it is so important to work with a therapist that you trust and feel comfortable with. It is important to know that therapy was never meant to replace the vital and supportive relationships of your life. Instead, therapy can serve as a secure and safe home base where you explore your story and experience. Meaningful therapeutic relationships resource you to grow into a better relator, someone who both gives and receives care, acceptance, and support. 

You can have closeness and connection

Imagine your life beyond isolation and loneliness. If you built and sustained supportive and loving relationships, how would your life look different? If you are ready to overcome the epidemic of loneliness in your life, strengthening your relationships and ability to be a supportive person to others, contact me today. 

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