It’s post-election holiday season which means family gatherings have a special glow this year. Possibly the glow of rage and disappointment, or the glow of triumph and excitement. Either way, family members intermingling with contrasting glows can feel like potential for a major clash. Here are some pointers based on psychological theories about how to navigate spending time with family members with differing points of view, without giving up your agency.

Engagement vs Cutting Off

There has been a lot of talk about this year’s holiday season being, if any, the one where it’s OK to disconnect from family who did not vote to your liking. Family Systems Theory states that establishing clear and consistent boundaries are important in any healthy family. However, it also says that a emotionally strong boundary enables a person to maintain engagement in a way that feels safe. But how do we do that when strong emotions are at play so soon after a divisive presidential election? Here are some tips.

It’s okay to not like what loved ones do & say

We all have friends and loved ones that make choices we find questionable. Even people we feel politically aligned with can act in ways that hurt or offend us. You can love someone even if you don’t like their behaviors and choices. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is based on the theory that we can separate negative behavior from a person’s core identity and still maintain positive feelings towards them. With this in mind during the post-election holidays, remind yourself that it is not one or two choices that make up a whole person. There are aspects of almost every human we can find something to appreciate, at the very least our common humanity.

Showing up during the holidays means something

Never underestimate the power of being in the room. There are times to talk and there are times to be present, and being present says a lot! The Psychoanalytic Theory of Object Relations posits that it is possible for people to experience conflicting emotions towards a situation without dismissing or denying the experience that does not match their own. If you are having a hard time post-election, show up with your vulnerability. If you are hopeful post-election, show up with your eagerness. Don’t wield you truth, rather hold it with compassion and honesty. If two people in the same family come together with their real sadness and hope, comfort can be found by holding that both experiences are possible without cancelling each other out.

Focus on the long view

While it may feel difficult right now to imagine being comfortable sitting with family members who have differing political points of view, Narrative Therapy asks you to consider taking a broad perspective, or counter-narrative, that emphasizes strength in shared experiences. The discomfort you feel may be more tolerable when you imagine re-writing the story of this year’s holiday dinner as a testament to your strength and resistance to dominant narratives. Remind yourself of your collective history as a family and your ability to create change.

Let’s talk more about preparing emotionally for the holidays. Contact Arianne for a counseling session.