Conflict can be overwhelming. Often the threat of hurting someone else’s feelings or finding ourselves in a heated argument cause us to avoid rather than addressing the person directly. This keeps us from talking about things that need attention with those we love or care about. That’s why many couples struggle with avoiding conflict. Our fear of how our concerns or request may come across or how our opinion might be received can keep us tucking away our feelings – until we find that we can no longer avoid the situation.
Avoiding conflict causes problems
Avoiding conflict causes us to react in the following ways:
- being highly defensive or angry
- say things we later wish we hadn’t
- try to just avoid the person altogether
Yet, these reactions aren’t the only the way to resolve moments of stress in our relationships.
There is a way to face conflict with greater confidence. Being able to face conflict in a way that is expectant of a positive outcome for both people is a good indicator that you are approaching differences in a healthy way.
It can feel impossible to be able to find a way to be honest with others. Whether it be our boss, our spouse or a close friend. But there are some things that you can do to help yourself to be able to talk about concerns that may arise in a way that isn’t avoidant or overly demanding.
3 Ways to approach conflict
Using these three tips can help you to approach conflict with greater confidence for being able to address the concern in a way that is both caring and clear.
1. Consider the root of your fear
Maybe it was that your partner didn’t check in before booking the flight to Tahiti. It likely wasn’t the fact that they booked an amazing vacation for you both, but instead, the concerns that you had were more directly related to the fact that you felt overlooked or not important when they made a decision without your full input. Being able to notice and consider this for yourself can then help you to move through the conflict in a way that can help you in seek a resolution that helps meet the deeper concern you may have.
2. Take ownership for your own contribution to the conflict
It can be easy to see how the other person has wronged you or caused you to be seething with anger. But it is also important to allow yourself to recognize how your reaction may have to do with things that are greater than this moment. Maybe it’s a history within your relationship of giving more than you would like and now you are feeling overwhelmed that things feel imbalanced. It could be an even greater sense of your own difficulties in expressing your needs or wants in a way that your friend or colleague could truly know how to show up in a situation. Whatever the case, being able to take responsibility for how your own expectations or desires may contribute to the issues in the relationship.
3. Be clear without blaming others
Most conflict arises because one or both parties feel that they are being blamed unfairly. Or at least in a way that feels they aren’t able to find space to be able to be heard. It can be helpful to name your feelings and experience in a way that minimizes statements or words that place blame on yourself or the other person.
Stating the facts about a situation and how this impacted you can be a more clear and confident way to address conflict in a way that allows space to seek resolution.
Sharing your own emotional experience about how the situation has impacted you can keep things in a more neutral space for both parties. Shifting away from a more blaming statement like “you’ve been so busy that we never get time to hang out anymore” toward a more factual and neutral statement of “since your hours at work have increased, I have noticed myself feeling less connected without the more consistent time we had to spend time together.” This can allow space for each party to consider the situation and be able to come together to discuss a workable solution that could have in valuing each person’s experience in the matter, instead of avoiding conflict.
Seeking to overcome conflict is never easy but it doesn’t have to be overwhelming or impossible. If you notice that you are finding yourself feeling stuck or lacking the needed support to move through conflict at home or work, it may be helpful to seek out support in a safe and caring context. Therapy can be a helpful space to explore what is happening and seek to find new ways to address the concerns you are noticing. Conflict can be stressful but it can often deepen our own sense of self-awareness and if addressed well, can deepen the trust and value in relationships.
