“Have you eaten?” As an Asian American, I was more likely to hear those words in place of “I love you”, and a plate of cut-up fruit replaced their way of expressing support and care for what I did.

Now that I am an adult, I’ve come to interpret the indirect ways that my parents express love, but as a child, it was nearly impossible to see any sort of warmth in their harsh, “tiger” parenting.

As therapists, we often work with adults who are only now beginning to understand the emotional toll of growing up with strict, achievement-focused parenting. Many carry invisible wounds: shame, perfectionism, emotional disconnection — even if they “turned out okay.”

You might love your parents deeply. You might even admire their sacrifices. But you also might feel exhausted, anxious, or unsure of who you are when you’re not performing. If that sounds like you, this article is for you.

What Is Tiger Parenting?

The term “tiger parenting” became popular after Amy Chua’s memoir Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, where she described a strict, success-driven parenting style common in many immigrant families, especially among East Asian cultures.

Tiger parenting isn’t just about setting high standards. It often involves:

• Emphasis on academic excellence and career success
• Harsh consequences for failure or “falling behind”
• Emotional withholding (love as a reward, not a constant)

A belief that discipline = love

In many families, this parenting style was rooted in survival. Immigrant parents, shaped by scarcity and sacrifice, believed success was the only path to safety. They passed down this drive, often without realizing the emotional cost.

TIGER PARENTING HAS CONSEQUENCES YOU FEEL EVERY DAY

Immigrant children often are overwhelmed with high parental expectations and suffer from its consequences, such as developing habits of self-criticism, maladaptive perfectionism, having low self-esteem, and at times even eating disorders. Needless to say, there are detrimental consequences of parenting styles that are so harsh and lack warmth. 

If you’ve experienced this type of “Tiger” parenting from your immigrant parents, then there are two things that you need to know from research:

• Cultural and familial context matters
• We can feel more equipped for life’s struggles because of our parents

How It Affects You as an Adult

Maybe you still hear your parents’ voice in your head — the one that says, You should be doing more. Or maybe you find yourself constantly striving, but never feeling like it’s enough. You may struggle to rest, to say no, or to feel proud of yourself without external validation.

Many adult children of tiger parents experience:

• Chronic anxiety or burnout
• A harsh inner critic
• Difficulty expressing emotions or needs
• Shame around failure or “letting people down”
• Struggles with identity or decision-making

Even when you intellectually understand your parents were doing their best, that doesn’t erase the emotional pain. It’s okay to name both truths: welove my parents. I’m still hurting.

DESPITE HOW BAD TIGER PARENTING SOUNDS IN OUR WESTERN SOCIETY, CULTURAL CONTEXT MATTERS!

Psychologists have found that indigenous parenting and family climate variables are culturally relevant (Fung & Lau, 2009). In other words, despite Western psychology telling us that harsh parenting leads to negative outcomes for children, that’s not always the case for other ethnic minority children, such as Asian American immigrant children. This is because there is a cultural explanation for our parents’ behaviors. For instance, in East Asian families, parents have to teach their children to maintain harmony within society, even if that requires the parent to be harsh and punitive. Parents who fail to do so would be considered irresponsible and incompetent.

Research has also found that Latino teens consider parents’ punitive parenting to be an expression of care in comparison to White American teens. Punitive parenting has been found to reduce delinquent behavior in Latino children, but not in White American children. As such, our cultural understanding for parenting goals, expression of care and love, social roles, and normative behaviors affect the way that we make sense of our parents’ behaviors. 

TIGER PARENTING TAUGHT US TO BE STRONG IN OUR PERSONHOOD

In addition, harsh parenting creates a growth mindset in children that buffers the negative consequences of stress on a child (Joo et al., 2020). For example, children whose parents were harsh are more likely to believe that their intelligence and personality is flexible and can change with growth. The counterpart children believe their intelligence is fixed, and that they are born with a certain level of intelligence that can’t be changed. Having a growth mindset has the ability to make us more reluctant to stress. Instead of finding joy in only the things we succeed in, kids who have a growth mindset learn to enjoy facing challenges and overcoming them. This type of personality, as you can imagine, can be a powerful tool as we navigate our lives and grow our minds. 

It’s easy for us to blame our parents and to lose hope in ourselves to become better in our ability to express ourselves, manage our emotions, and grow a healthy, adaptive way of thinking. However, there is hope that it is through our upbringing that we are strong in more than one way, and that we were equipped to overcome our struggles. 

TIGER PARENTS HAVE BEEN HURTFUL, BUT THEY ALSO PREPPED US TO HEAL 

Through gaining a better understanding of our upbringing and how it has affected us, we can rewrite our narrative and start working towards breaking the cycle of intergenerational trauma to make the best out of our own experience of being influenced by more than one culture.

We can learn to parent ourselves in the ways that we wished our parents would have parented us, and we can learn to fully appreciate and accept the ways that our parents chose to love and care for us.

The first step to rewriting our narrative is to have the space that will validate the emotions you experienced throughout your life. Therapy space can be a place where you learn to accept the parts of you that needed more care and discover the parts of you with resilience that can help you heal and grow.

Signs You Might Still Be Affected Today

You may not always connect your stress or perfectionism to your upbringing. But if you were raised by a tiger parent, those patterns often follow you into adulthood in subtle, exhausting ways.

You might:

• Struggle with rest or feel guilty when not being productive
• Have a hard time making decisions unless they’re “impressive”
• Feel disconnected from your emotions, or fear expressing them
• Avoid disappointing others at all costs
• Carry a deep sense of “not enoughness” no matter what you achieve

These aren’t just personality quirks. They’re protective strategies you learned early — ones that helped you survive, but may be keeping you stuck now.

How Therapy Helps You Heal from Tiger Parenting

You don’t need to figure this out alone. In therapy, we create a space where you’re not judged, rushed, or told how to feel. Instead, we explore your experience with compassion — and without blame.

Together, we can:

• Untangle your childhood story and how it still shapes your beliefs
• Soften the inner critic and begin practicing self-compassion
• Explore what you actually want, not what you were told to want
• Develop emotional language and the safety to express it
• Learn how to set boundaries without shame
• Reconnect with a sense of self beyond performance

In trauma-informed therapy, we move at your pace. That might mean starting with somatic work to help you feel safe in your body, or using tools like CBT or parts work to understand the roles you’ve taken on to survive.

Healing doesn’t mean blaming. It means recognizing what happened and giving yourself the care you may have never received.

Why It Feels So Hard to Talk About This

So many adult children of tiger parents suffer in silence. There’s often no clear “abuse” to point to — just a thousand moments where you didn’t feel seen, where your tears were dismissed, or where rest felt dangerous.

And culturally, this can be taboo. Many of us are taught not to question our parents. But therapy isn’t about blaming them. It’s about making space for you. For the parts of you that learned to be quiet, perfect, and small in order to be loved.

You can start healing without betraying your culture, your family, or your love.

Not Ready for Therapy Yet? That’s Okay. Start Here.

If you’re not quite ready to begin therapy, there are still gentle ways to begin healing:

• Practice noticing your inner voice. Is it kind or critical? Where did it come from?
• Start journaling about what you feel, not what’s expected of you.
• Give yourself permission to rest without “earning” it.
• Listen to meditations or podcasts about inner child work or emotional unlearning.

Every small act of self-kindness is a step toward healing.

Working with a Therapist at Here Counseling

At Here Counseling, we understand the complexity of tiger parenting, especially for those navigating immigrant identities, cultural expectations, and family loyalty.

We don’t pathologize you. We work with you. We meet you where you are, whether you’re untangling perfectionism, exploring your identity, or simply trying to feel less overwhelmed.

You deserve to feel safe in your own skin, not just successful on paper.