Trust is the foundation of all relationships. When partners trust each other, it builds safety in the relationship. Safety allows partners to express their emotions freely and allows each partner to know that they are not alone. When trust issues arise, they affect intimacy and closeness.
Trust issues can stem from past experiences with previous relationships, attachment styles developed in childhood, and communication issues from one or both partners. After exploring how trust issues could show up in your relationships, we will discuss some ways you can grow trust in your relationship.
Past betrayal impacts trust
Our painful past experiences in relationships can affect our current trust in the person with which we now find ourselves in a relationship. Take, for example, infidelity in the relationship. If you have been a victim of infidelity, it can be extremely difficult to turn off the “infidelity radar.” You may feel as though you are constantly on the verge of catching your new partner cheating.
Our brains hold onto harmful experiences as a means of self-preservation. Our body remembers experiences–especially painful ones–and sets up safety measures to keep things secure and prevent future hurt. While our brain can protect us from people with red flags, it can also foster a fear of rejection, making it difficult to be vulnerable and connect in a new relationship. In trying to protect us, our brain can sometimes create the very cycle we fear the most in our relationships, one that starts exciting but is superficial, and ultimately lonely.
Trust and Attachment Styles
Our childhood impacts the way we show up in our current relationships. How we relate to others in relationship is often referred to as an attachment style. There are four types of attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized (anxious/avoidant). In a relationship, both partner’s attachment styles affect the other. Knowing your attachment style can help you understand how you relate to others in relationship.
Attachment Styles
- Secure attachment – If you have a secure attachment, you find a lot of safety in comfort in your relationships. You seek out help and share feelings with those you have a close bond with. We all can securely relate to our partners. However, we also -even those who are securely attached- can relate insecurely with our partners in moments of stress.
- Anxious attachment – Most people with an anxious attachment relate to others with a fear of abandonment from those close to them. With an anxious attachment, you might feel the need to get assurance from them regularly that you are safe in the relationship. It can be hard for you to trust that you will not be rejected by them.
- Avoidant attachment – it can be hard for a person with an avoidant attachment style to trust in the intimacy and closeness of others. Naturally, people with this type of attachment may distance themselves when someone draws near to them. It is not uncommon for an anxious person to find and relate to someone who has an avoidant attachment. This creates a cycle of pursuing and avoiding that can feel stressful for both partners and affect their trust.
- Anxious/avoidant (Disorganized) People with anxious-avoidant or disorganized attachment can have multiple, usually inconsistent patterns of attaining love from others. People with this type of attachment are usually craving intimacy. Interestingly, they can be fearful of rejection, but also fearful of closeness at the same time.
Understanding your partner’s attachment style will lead to greater communication about how each person can have their attachment needs met. Curious exploration of a partner’s attachment style can help prevent miscommunication and frustration between partners.
5 Signs of Trust Issues
At this time, If you are still unsure about whether you or your partner have trust issues, here are some examples of how trust issues show up in the relationship:
- Constant need for reassurance: Feeling the need to constantly seek reassurance from your partner about their feelings or intentions.
- Possessiveness and jealousy: Feeling excessively possessive of your partner or experiencing intense jealousy.
- Difficulty forgiving: Holding grudges and finding it difficult to forgive your partner for past mistakes.
- Secrecy and lack of transparency: Keeping secrets from your partner or feeling hesitant to share personal information.
- Constant monitoring: Feeling the need to constantly monitor your partner’s whereabouts or activities.
How to remedy trust with your partner after betrayal
One of the most powerful techniques to build trust with your partner is to practice emotional honesty. Nevertheless, honest communication about your feelings can feel uncomfortable at first, almost like you are swimming upstream or opening up your heart for attack. This practice, however, in a safe emotional space with our partners, can lead to a boost in empathy and appreciation. Start by practicing using “I feel” statements with your partner. Let your partner that you do not need them to change or fix your feelings. Some examples of “I feel” statements are:
- “I feel insecure when you don’t respond to my texts right away.”
- “I feel the need for more reassurance that our relationship is okay and that you want to be with me.”
- “I feel hurt when you make plans with friends without inviting me.”
In Addition, the other side of this is to validate your partner’s feelings when they come to you with their emotional honesty. Acknowledge your partner’s emotions, and voice your appreciation that they shared something vulnerable with you. This can be especially difficult when you don’t agree with your partner, but creating a safe space for them to share their feelings, no matter how painful, is crucial for trust to be built.
Building trust is difficult, but worth it
It is important to know that the first few attempts of emotional honesty will feel clunky. It is difficult to make statements about our feelings without blaming our partners. Sometimes this practice needs the additional support of a trained couples therapist. If you are interested in learning more about how to rebuild trust and intimacy in your relationship, schedule an appointment with me today.
